


Pink Sweater

by putputpotato



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Depression, Drug Use, Fights, First Love, Fluff, Gay Character, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, big brother taeyong uwu, lucas is an asshole I´m sorry, not a lot but wanted to warn u!, weeeeeed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 79,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26105125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putputpotato/pseuds/putputpotato
Summary: Growing up is hard.Can you love a person so much, your heart begins to burn? Can you avoid breaking apart from the people closest to you, as you try to find yourself in this big world? How much can you change, before you stop being yourself entirely? Where will the emptiness end and the euphoria begin? And how many mistakes can fit in a lifetime?Mark doesn't know.Growing up is hard, but at least he has Donghyuck.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Taeyong/Moon Taeil, Mark Lee (NCT)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [The official Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4MhJuvMWntrCH5UreQRmYv?si=KeLEqFebQ-K6PHYUvayXkQ)
> 
> [ The official Art ](https://twitter.com/putputpotato/status/1325033144312074245?s=20)
> 
> Welcome everyone! Here is a new adventure for you. All of it is based on my own experiences, so if you find something that doesn´t really connect with you, please go easy on me :'D 
> 
> I´ve been working on Pink Sweater for a good six months and it´s finally finished. Please enjoy it a lot! See u <3

He's been staring at the same spot for more than two hours now, yet there is no end in sight. Mark knows that he should get up and do something productive. Something, that is not trying to count the cracks in his wallpaper, or finding faces in the shadows of his uneven ceiling. His friends are probably outside right now, or at least doing something along the lines of homework or even playing video games. Maybe, he should do something of the kind as well, but the energy required for such a task has left him the moment he got up today. Through the wall, he can hear his brother practising for his play. They're all off doing what they do and Mark Lee lies on his bed, waiting until he hast a good excuse to go back to sleep.

Is that normal? Shouldn't he get bored? Isn't being exhausted by every step he takes a little over the top? Sure, the prospect of writing his assignment isn't the most exciting thing of all time, but it beats listening to his clock tick. At least, it should.

He heaves a deep sigh and the silence returns. Usually, there is always music playing in his room. Right now though, he's not even able to get up and play one of his EXO albums. It's not that he is lazy. At least, he likes to think that. No, it's more like he is genuinely exhausted. Like there's a heaviness on his mind and body that keeps him from moving or speaking. Right now, it even stops him from thinking. He doesn't recall if it has ever been this bad, but then again, he's not sure how it got this far either.

A knock sounds from his door, "Mark, sweetie", his mother's voice is muffled through the door, "The new neighbours are here, we want to go greet them. Will you join us?"

For a second, he contemplates not answering. Maybe, his mother would think he is asleep and stop bothering, to let him resume his important task of staring holes into the ceiling. He should agree. Going out could get his mind to clear up. Besides, he would be lying if he said he isn't curious about the new neighbours.

"I'll be downstairs in a minute, just need to put on clothes." He answers then and his mother walks away with a delighted hum.

It takes way too much strength to sit up and even more to move onto his feet. As he puts on a hoodie and his trainers, Mark throws a glance out of the window. There is a huge pantechnicon, parked in the street. Some people heave all kinds of furniture through the front door, all guided by a friendly looking woman, who Mark guesses to be the owner. He musters the house, lets his gaze drift over the creamy exterior, until it catches another movement. Through the window of the upper floor, Mark can see another figure.

A boy, probably around his age, with curly, silver hair and a small physique. He's not wearing a shirt, Mark realizes, but in the progress of pulling a pink sweater over his head. Mark's eyes catch on a smooth chest for a moment and seem to stay glued there for too long. He's too dazed to notice that he has been caught staring by the very object of his attention. Once the pink fabric is in place, he manages to look up at the boy's face. Only to be greeted with a deep frown. The boy's hands lift in a 'what the hell' manner and before Mark can properly react, there's a bold middle finger pointed his way. Then, the white curtain is drawn with vigour and the boy disappears.

Still stunned, Mark shakes his head. What the hell was that? Well, he supposes the reaction was pretty appropriate, considering he just watched that boy change through his window. He huffs and hammers a gentle fist against his head, "what the hell, Lee."

When he finally makes it downstairs, his brother has already joined the family circle. Taeyong has his leather jacket pulled on and hair styled in that typical 'I just woke up but I look perfect'-way. It's enough for Mark to know that as soon as they had the bare minimum of conversation with the neighbours, Taeyong would be off. Probably hanging around with his muckers. Lately, Mark sees less and less of him. Admittedly, it hurts a little because, as much as Taeyong can be a pain in the ass, the house is a lot quieter without him.

"You good to go sonny?" He asks with a warm smile.

Mark nods his head in silence. Like a war-hero, their mom leads the way, head held high and the brightest smile on her face. Taeyong's attitude gives off the same shine of confidence and Mark just knows he must look pitiful at the end of the row. He's trying, honestly. It's just hard to be properly confident, if you have nothing to show off. All he can do is play guitar and he can hardly walk out here with his acoustic and serenade the new neighbours, right?

As his mom rings the doorbell, a few shouts echo on the other side of the door, a little muffled. Just a few seconds in, the same woman he had seen, overlooking the place opens the door. Mark fuzzily realizes his mom is introducing herself and her two sons. Taeyong reaches out a hand to shake and Mark can tell the woman is immediately charmed. Taeyong has that kind of effect on people. Mark is still working on it.

"So, I heard you haven't been moving from far, is that true?" Taeyong immediately builds a conversation.

The young woman nods with a smile, "We lived closer to the city before, but my husband and I felt like we needed a change of scenery. He sometimes stays at the office in the city, but only on long days. It doesn't take that long to get to the city from here."

"Yes the transports are surprisingly convenient around here."

"Amen." she agrees, "at first we were worried how our son would take the change, but luckily a bunch of his friends live in the area, too, so he didn't mind either. Ah! Speaking of sons;

"Donghyuck!" the woman calls over her shoulder and Mark follows her gaze to the stairwell behind her.

Only, to sink into the floor in pure mortification. Right there, at the top of the steps, Mark recognizes the boy in the pink sweater. It's easy to pinpoint the exact moment, when he notes Mark's presence, too. His nostrils flare and his eyebrows furrow ever so slightly. It's not hard to determine the default emotion he has set for Mark so far; disgust. He can't help but avert his eyes to the ground. Great. Sure, Mark has never been a charmer like his brother, but he never thought, he'd actually sink low enough to be considered a creep.

The boy struts down the rest of the steps, trying not to let his reaction show. He has such a natural softness surrounding him, yet Mark is sure he'd loose more than just an eye in a fight with him. Even as he's trying hard, Mark can't help notice the peek of collarbone beneath the big, pink sweater. It really suits him. Especially, with such a big pair of eyes and his silver hair.

"Donghyuk, this is the Lee family. They live across the street. This is Mrs. Lee, this is Taeyong and this", Donghyuck's mother gestures at Mark and he immediately wants to collapse into a puddle beneath Donghyuck's gaze, "is Mark."

With a smile as bright as the sun, Donghyuck greets Taeyong and their mother, before his attention once more zeroes in on Mark, "Have we met before?"

"Huh?"

"Dunno." Donghyuck's smile stiffens and Mark feels a shiver go up and down his spine, "you seem familiar. Sure, we haven't seen each other before?"

His hands are sweating and as he tries to wipe them on his jeans, Mark feels his throat go dust-dry, "I, uh-"

Before he can make up whatever sad excuse his brain could have produced, Donghyuck beats him to it. He turns to his mom, "Anyways, I was just leaving for studying-circle. I'll meet my friends at the beach. If it gets late, I'll just stay over at Jaemin's."

"You do that honey, I will just- oh! I have a wonderful idea! Why don't you take Mark along?" Mark tries to not let the wave of fear show on his face at Donghyuck's icy expression, "Maybe, you could become friends? Perhaps, he can show you around the area a little, too? So you don't get lost?"

She's looking at Mark now, as if asking him, whether he is okay with the implied plans or not. Mark can hardly say no. Truth be told, he can hardly say anything, with his throat feeling like dusty cotton.

"Y-yeah." he chokes out.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes just right, for only Mark to notice, "Don't you want to spend a day with your lovely family instead?"

"Actually, Mark would have been on his own now." Taeyong chimes in. Damn him, damn him, damn him. "I'm tutoring a friend of mine at campus and Mom is leaving for work any minute. He will usually stay locked up in his room, until you can't even tell if he's still alive anymore."

It's clear that he wants to lighten the mood with a joke. Everyone laughs as well, so it worked out fine, but Mark feels the comment sting in a way that is unusual. It's not a lie, but does Taeyong really have to point it out like this? He is really trying, but somehow change seems too far out of his reach and a reason to try harder is vacant just as well. Taeyong throws him a quick glance and upon noticing that his brother doesn't react with his usual hiccup laugh, his eyes become questioning. Mark forces a smile on his face and his brother eases up.

"Fine then", his attention is suddenly drawn back to Donghyuck, who is leaning against the doorway and sizing him up. His gaze is unreadable this time, disgust replaced by something Mark has yet to get to know. Somehow, he wants to get to know it, despite their rough start, Donghyuck seems like a unique personality. Maybe, Mark could redeem himself, by not being a creep for the rest of the day. Just be cool. Easy.

He hasn't even used a deodorant. 

"Can I take the car?" Donghyuck asks his mother. She shrugs and tosses him a bundle of keys, "Thank you. Now, come on Matt."

"It's Mark-"

"Studying circle might take a while, but you can get to know my friends." He wears a bright beam to show off to his mother and Mark's family. Without much resistance, Mark lets himself be pulled along by a sleeve, the others waving at them with happy faces.

As soon as they are out of sight, Donghyuck drops his arm and his smile. It's awkward beyond anything Mark has ever felt before, but if Donghyuck feels the same, he doesn't let it show. They walk down the street for a bit, until they reach an old, rusty impala with a faded baby blue colour. Donghyuck slips into the driver's seat easily and Mark hurries to do the same, but the door doesn't budge under his pulling. He keeps trying, finally pulling with both his hands and even putting his whole body weight into it. Nothing. The familiar warmth of embarrassment floods his cheeks and he watches Donghyuck roll his eyes to the back of his head and climb back out of the car.

"You gotta lift the door up a little, when you open it." he explains, the door easily giving in with just a mere creak.

"Ah. Thanks."

Without answering, Donghyuck climbs back into the Impala and this time around, Mark follows him. It's warm and stuffy inside, not a lot of leg room but it smells like old leather and something like pineneedles. Donghyuck starts the car easily, pulling out of the driveway. One of his hands is on the steering wheel, the other fidgeting with a box of tapes that is squeezed between their seats. In favour of not having his gaze catch on the other boy's collarbone again, Mark eyes the box a little closer.

There are audio tapes. Around 20 or 30 of them and Donghyuck's hand flips through them in a familiar fashion. Finally finding something that fits his mood, Donghyuck clicks the tape-box open with his teeth and pushes the tape in the car's player, all the while driving them down their street. The tape reads 'The offspring' in sloppy marker-writing of a similar fashion as the other tapes.

When a group of rough voices shout a barely decipherable melody through the car, Mark actually jumps in his seat. Donghyuck laughs in a sinister fashion. He doesn't say anything though, just focuses on getting them out of their little patch of the village and onto the main road. Somewhere along the way, he rolls down a window and lets the wild wind thread through his hair.

Mark can't stop stealing glances at him every now and then. It's like Donghyuck is a magnet for his attention and his eyes. The soft curves of his features and the perfect way that pink sweater wraps around his honey-tinted shoulders. He hadn't noticed before, but there is a delicate piece of jewellery hanging around his neck too. A simple, silver pendant of a sunflower. It glints in the sunlight and Mark feels himself smile gently. He wants to say something – clear this awkward situation – maybe even erase the short but impactful history they have so far.

"So, what are you and your friends studying for? Interesting subject?"

Donghyuck throws him a surprised frown, as if contemplating if he even wants to answer. He obviously didn't expect Mark to manage a straight sentence and the fact that he did makes him just a little proud.

Then, suddenly he laughs – a lazy and bright sound, fitting his posture perfectly, "My god, you really think I'm going to a study circle?"

"Y-you're not?"

"No." Donghyuck says, rummaging for something in his jeans pocket, "I'm meeting my boyfriend and a couple of friends at the beach."

A lot of things are surprising about this, but only one thing really sticks with Mark: "You're gay?"

Donghyuck freezes in his rummaging and they stop at a redlight. His eyes turn into slits and he gives Mark a deadly side-eye, "Yeah. Problem?"

There is absolutely no problem, but Mark hurries to answer, because he doesn't doubt that Donghyuck would just shove him out of the car, onto the ground of god knows where, "N-no! No problem at all! I was just- Didn't expect it."

"Whatever." Donghyuck says and finally produces something from his pant pocket. A packet of Marlboro cigarettes, he realizes with a start. Donghyuck can't be much older than him, but he smokes? Is that even legal? Either way the boy lifts an old-fashioned zippo and lights it, taking a deep breath. He dips the ashes out of the open window, before stepping on the gas again, "Just don't mention it."

Mark shocks out of his daze from watching the cigarette between Donghyuck's plump lips, "Huh?"

"The boyfriend thing." Donghyuck says. His voice is suddenly a lot smaller and Mark can barely hear it over the wind, "I love my friends, but it's not really their business."

Mark is tempted to ask why Donghyuck would tell him in the first place. Maybe, he knows that Mark is just so intimidated by him that he would never disobey any order given. Or, maybe he knows he has him in the palm of his hand, because of the window-incident. Sort of like a blackmailing strategy. Either way, Mark doesn't think he would ever expose Donghyuck like this. He remembers one of the girls in his old school had admitted to being bisexuall. People were nasty. After just two weeks, she was forced to switch schools, because of all the bullying. There had been cruel words scribbled on her locker, people had cut off her hair, tripped her and done all sorts of terrible things. He admits, he can't relate to either side of the medal, but he knows that Donghyuck doesn't deserve this kind of pain. No one does.

"I promise." he nods, as serious as he can.

Donghyuck glances at him once more, kneading the steering wheel in thought. After a few moments, he nods and takes another drag of his cigarette. "Want one, too?"

Mark follows the jerk of Donghyuck's hand at the pack of Marlboros and there is a buzzing in his fingertips. He had never smoked before, naturally. After all, he is still 3 years too young to even be allowed to smoke. Then again, so is Donghyuck and he seems fine. He knows for a fact that Taeyong smokes sometimes, when he is with his friends and his mother as well, reaches for a 'Camel' every now and then. If everyone does it, there must be something to it, right?

"Sure. Thank you."

Donghyuck's eyebrow twitches upwards, before he smirks and hands Mark the box, "Honestly, I would have expected you to refuse."

"Why?" Mark pouts.

"I don't know. You seem like a nerdy good-boy." Donghyuck laughs to himself, as he pulls off the main street.

Somehow the surprise in Donghyuck's voice has Mark even more determined to prove him wrong. With a slightly shaky hand he manages to pull one cigarette from the carton, before putting it back into the box with the audiotapes. For a moment he is lost, with the thin cylinder in his hands, rough paper and a promise of the unknown. He is looking forward to this, oddly enough.

"Lighter is in my pocket." Donghyuck says.

Mark's cheeks warm up, as his eyes zero in on Donghyuck's tight jeans. Gulping down the doubt, he reaches out and digs with his fingers for the zippo he had seen before. The car jerks over a stone on the rough street and Mark is catapulted forward, as he still leans across the space. All he can do to not land with his face in Donghyuck's lap is find leverage on his thigh, with one of his hands. As if he were searing, Mark pulls his hand away so fast, he almost wacks himself in the face. Donghyuck doesn't say anything, only watches the road, to not cause an accident.

After a good, steadying breath, he makes another attempt at pulling out the zippo and this time comes back from a won war. As he puts the cigarette between his lips, copying Donghyuck as best as he can, a bold engraving in the zippo's surface catches his attention. 'Lucas' it reads and Mark frowns in confusion.

When Donghyuck spots his furrowed brows, he says: "From my boyfriend. Don't get ashes on the seats, or I'll pay with my head, you hear me?"

Mark only nods and hurriedly flicks the zippo open. The cigarette catches a glimmer after a while and Mark sucks in a breath of relieved air. Then, he almost coughs out the entire cigarette. Luckily he manages to pull the cigarette free, before he can risk Donghyuck's head. Coughing and coughing, Mark holds onto the cardoor, as Donghyuck just laughs at him. How the hell had he managed to take all those drags without dying? This is definitely not what Mark had imagined.

"I knew you never smoked before." Donghyuck comments, with a knowing grin, "Don't worry, it gets easier with every drag and you get used to it."

Mark coughs once more and stares at the cigarette, "Why would you want to get used to that?"

"Because everyone does." It doesn't seem like Donghyuck actually cares, he just shrugs along to his answer and holds his hand out for the zippo.

Mark hands it back, but not without eyeing the name in the metal once more. Lucas. Donghyuck's boyfriend. To be honest, Mark never really thought much about relationships. He knows that Taeyong had girlfriends, or at least flings, because their walls are ridiculously thin. Their parents had gotten a divorce when Mark was very young, so there was never a lot of romantic inspiration on their part. Not even his friends Renjun, Jisung and Chenle had ever mentioned being interested in anyone, since all of them were mostly occupied with playing video games and getting through high school. No time for high school sweethearts and while Mark knows most guys and girls in his year are busy and eager to loose their V-card, he had never put a lot of value on that idea.

Now though, with Donghyuck talking about his boyfriend and carrying a token from him around, Mark's thoughts start to wander. Would any girl even ever be interested in him? Taeyong said that girls like guys that can play instruments or are good at sports, so he should be good with his guitar, right? He wonders what this guy Lucas's charm might be. A jock maybe? What is it that Donghyuck likes about him enough to keep his zippo and call him his boyfriend and meet him at the beach? Something Taeyong once said to his friends, when he didn't know Mark was in the kitchen, comes back to his mind: 'She might be a prick Johnny, but at least, she is good in bed.'

Could that be why Donghyuck likes Lucas? Because, he is 'good in bed?' Mark feels his cheeks flush at the thought. Well, he is definitely not on the best path of redeeming himself from this morning.

"How old are you actually?" he manages to ask through his unapparent embarrassment.

"17." Donghyuck says easily.

So, he is even younger than Mark. And entirely too young for both cigarettes and sex. Then again, Taeyong lost his virginity at sixteen. Mark doesn't really know where to draw the line anymore. He doesn't even know if Donghyuck does in fact have sex with his boyfriend and the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he shouldn't actually think about it anyways.

Donghyuck pulls the car down another street then and Mark can already see the ocean sparkling in the sun beyon the dashboard of the car. Considering he lives so close to the sea, he really doesn't go there often. His friendgroup is not the type to leave the basement and ever since this constant exhaustion has reached a new high, Mark never even came up with the idea to go there again. Now that he is here though and Donghyuck stops the car in a broad parking space, he is actually glad to be there. Even if they're not actually going to a studying circle.

The loud engine of the car shuts off and Donghyuck slides out of the car. Mark scrambles after him, watching as Donghyuck grabs a backpack from the backseat and locks the car door. The sun glows on his skin, as does his peace-filled smile as he hurries towards the shore. They take their shoes off, once stone turns to sand and trudge along the beach. A lot of people flood the place, since friday and saturday are the busiest days for the area. All the college and high school students: finally free of their educational duties, just using their chance to enjoy the nice weather with a beer and a group of friends. Even though Mark wouldn't trade his friends for the world, he wishes they would be up for this type of activity once in a while as well.

Donghyuck's friendgroup sticks out from the rest of the visitors from a mile away. They are around seven people; four boys and three girls, all sitting in a circle with bottles and boxes of food around them. Donghyuck speeds towards them with a happy smile and Mark can only try to keep up with an awkward wave. He watches the silver haired boy slam into one of the girls with a loud giggle. She winces when her long, brown hair gets caught under his body but she holds him close anyways.

Mark finally gathers the courage to approach them then, feeling it would be even more awkward if he just stood there and looked at them from a couple of metres of distance. At first he is pointedly ignored by Donghyuck and only curiously looked at, by the other people in the circle. That is, until one of the boys, a fairly handsome young guy with unruly hazelnut hair nudges Donghyuck and jabs a thumb at Mark.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"Jaemin, don't be mean." One of the girls says, "Look at him, he obviously isn't used to socializing."

Mark grimaces. Sure, he knows that she is right, but a) does it really show that much and b) did she have to point it out like that? Donghyuck has very little sympathy as it seems, because he only reaches for one of the bottles that is still in a cooling box. However, to his surprise he comes back with two bottles and hands one to Mark. He doesn't even think of reading the label, or find out what it is he is drinking; too surprised and taken aback by the gesture. Like Donghyuck, he cracks the bottle open and takes a gulp.

Oh god. It's a thing of a hair's breadth but he manages not to gag too obviously. What the hell kind of piss-water is this? Only then, Mark casts a look at the bottle. 'Heineken beer'. That explains. He has never had beer before, or any other kind of alcohol. How can Donghyuck look like this is actually the most delicious drink he has ever consumed?

"Guys, this is my new neighbour, Mark." Donghyuck half-heartedly introduces him.

He manages to paste a half-convincing smile on his face, as each of them greet him. Some with more enthusiasm than others. The boys, Jaemin, Jeno, Xiaojun and YangYang all shake his hand or raise their beers at him in greeting. The girls; Claire, Gaon and Jinseon greet him with dazzling smiles. Claire, the one that had defended Mark against Jaemin before, shuffles to his side with glowing self-confidence. She is pretty, in a natural way with pouty lips and ginger-coloured hair. In a way, her raised chin and wicked grin remind him a little of Donghyuck.

"You're cute, you know that? I'm happy Donghyuck brought you along." She smiles.

Mark's eyes widen and he almost knocks his beer over. It's hard not to stare at the curves of her body, when she decided to only throw a big shirt on her shoulders, over a bikini-top and he can feel his cheeks start to heat up, "Uhm- thank you. I- You... You, uh- seem very nice."

At that, Claire throws her head back and laughs, her shoulder shaking against Mark's. He is hyperaware of her proximity, fidgeting, because he has exactly no idea what to do. When was the last time a girl had been this close to him? Ah yeah, never. She makes it easy to be around her though, even with Mark's awkward advances, she still seems to think of him as good company.

"Careful." YangYang grins, with an arm wrapped around Gaon's shoulders, "She likes nerds, that one. The more you stutter the more she is gonna wanna go down on you."

"Oh shut it, YangYang, you're so nasty." Jinseon interjects, throwing a handful of sand at him. Most of it hits Gaon in the face and she screeches, before attacking her friend into the sand.

Mark is still a little too caught up in everything that is happening and very focused on willing his blush back into his body. His eyes flicker over to Donghyuck, who is in the middle of taking another sip of his beer. A single droplet escapes and runs down his neck. Suddenly, all Mark's eyes seem to be able to do is follow that very droplet, until it disappears under the neckline of that pretty, pink sweater. When Donghyuck puts the beer back down and meets his eye, Mark can't look away. A lazy grin spreads over Donghyuck's lips and he sways a little. He casts a wink at Mark and looks away as if nothing ever happened.

Mark clears his throat, pulling at his shirt to fan out the sudden heat beneath the fabric. Just for the sake of cooling down, he takes another gulp of his own beer. This time, the bitter taste is just the slightest bit less shitty. Claire grins and clinks her bottle with him, before sinking against his shoulder. A little unprepared, he clears his throat and makes as much space for her as she needs. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, doing it like YangYang and putting his hand on her waist seems a little disrespectful to him, so instead, he settles for placing his palm on her shoulder. Beneath his hand, she vibrates with laughter.

It's a lot less awkward than Mark had expected; Just sitting here with Donghyuck and his friends. The sun is moving above their heads, towards the sea, closer and closer. Everyone is getting more funny with the amounts of beers they drink and Mark can feel a slight headiness, too. A comfortable cloud around his mind that drowns out the silent darkness, a nice warmth that relaxes his shoulders. His laughter rings with the others and he can feel that emptiness he had felt for so long retreat for a while.

Admittedly, not feeling like he can't lift a foot for the life of him is addicting. All of a sudden, the darkness has taken a step back and for just a few moments, Mark is out of its reach. With every dumb joke YangYang cracks, with every touch Claire places on his shoulders, neck or face.

With every bright laughter from Donghyuck.

"Oh my god finally!" Xiaojun suddenly shouts out, his beer raised at something behind Mark.

He turns his head and a tall, muscular figure looms above him. The boy is probably around his age, with a sharp, handsome jaw and a pair of full lips. His broad chest is showcased in a white tanktop and a thick chain hangs from his neck. On his hand, he has a tall, blonde girl with a perfectly white smile.

The boy sits down between Mark and Donghyuck, pulling the girl, so that she sits next to Mark, "I really hope there is still some of that beer left, how many did you guys have already?"

"Not our fault you decide to show up two hours later." Jaemin sasses.

"Mina and I still had some... business to tend to."

The dirty grin on his face makes Mark grimace into his beer. Wow, whoever this guy is, he doesn't really like him already.

"Mark", Donghyuck slurs, his arm going around the guy's waist in a half-hug, "This is Lucas."

Mark almost spits out his beer. His eyes travel between Donghyuck and Mina for a confused second. Sticks to Lucas' and Mina's intertwined hands and Donghyuck's nose that rubs against his jaw. This is Lucas? The dazzling zippo-boyfriend? Suddenly, Mark understands why Donghyuck didn't want him to mention it; They don't want anyone to know.

Lucas nods at him, before throwing Donghyuck a curious look. His brow is raised and his nose brushes against Donghyuck's hairline every now and then, almost looking like a drunk accident. After a while, his hand comes up to tug at Donghyuck's pink sweater, "What the heck are you wearing?"

"I bought it the other day", Donghyuck looks down at himself with a pout, "I thought it looked cute. You don't like it?"

Lucas hums, "I don't know Hyuck, it's really pretty, but wouldn't that be something a girl would wear?"

"Yeah, you don't want anyone thinking you're a fag, do you?" Mina laughs into her hand.

Mark forces a stiff laugh, when, to his surprise, everyone in the round laughs along. Donghyuck seems unaffected by her words, but his eyes are still pinned on Lucas. He seems to wait for something – hope even. Maybe, for Lucas to speak up and defend him. But the tall boy keeps silent and only shrugs, taking Donghyuck's beer from his hand before downing it in one go.

"Hey Mark, you good?" He looks down at Claire, who has her head perched on his lap by now. She gives him a kind and worried gaze, so he gathers all his courage and smiles at her, "You looked kinda off for a second."

"Nah, I'm good." he holds up his empty bottle, "Just feeling the beers kick in."

She giggles and suddenly, her hand comes up to rub at his nape, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

He wants to concentrate on her only, her warmth and security, but something in him pulls his eyes up again. Donghyuck's head is perched on Lucas' shoulder, his eyes distant on the ocean. A gentle wind ruffles his hair and in that moment he looks way more delicate than Mark has seen him all day. It's such a stark contrast to the boy in the Impala, the boy in the window who had given him the finger. Such a stark contrast that Mark honest to god feels worried. But, before he can speak up, Lucas' hand travels to Donghyuck's thigh, settling there and charming a smile back onto his face.

It shouldn't be that easy for Lucas. Mark sighs.

But it is.

"Let's play truth, dare or drink." Jaemin suggests suddenly.

"No", Jeno whines and falls back into the sand, "I'm already drunk enough."

"Guess that means you have to take dare or truth." Jinseon laughs at him.

Jaemin lifts his hands, "Alright alright, to make it easier for all of you pussies, I'll go first. Give me a dare."

"I got one", Jinseon says, "Take your shirt off and run into the sea."

Jaemin rolls his eyes, but complies without hesitation, "Admit it, you just want to see me naked."

Shrugging, Jinseon leans back on her hands, to watch the boy trudge to the shore, "So what if I do?"

The circle of people does a collective 'ooh'-sound and Mark has to hold back his laughter. Jaemin is a little wonky and as he goes for the water, he doesn't do it in a straight line. It must be cold, because the screech he lets out is audible along the whole beach. Everyone crumbles down in wild laughter. Claire laughs right into his stomach in a cute fashion. Maybe it's the alcohol, but he dares to thread his finger into her hair. She looks at him with a pleased and definitely drunk grin.

Dripping wet, Jaemin comes back to them and wastes no time in attacking Jinseon and getting her soaked in sea-water as well. She screeches, but the fight she puts up is weak and they just end up tangled in each other.

"Alright", Jaemin slurs, "My first victim... Claire!"

"I'm too comfy to get up, so truth!" She says, her eyes heavy-lidded.

"Who is the cutest person here?"

She pouts in thought, "As in handsome slash pretty, or as in precious?"

Jaemin shrugs, "Precious."

"Definitely Donghyuck." She points her finger at the giggly boy, "I know no one who is as sweet and selfless as he is."

Donghyuck leans over to give her a high-five, "I love you best-friend."

"I love you moooore!"

Mark watches the exchange with a warm feeling in his chest. Donghyuck looks beyond happy with the words, spoken to him. He is glowing, even under the darkening sky, brighter than anyone else in the group. It's not hard to imagine that what Claire said is true. Sure, Mark had gotten to know Donghyuck as sassy and pert, but considering Mark's ridiculous behaviour, he can't really hold it against him. Somehow, that just makes him want to get to know Donghyuck even more.

"Okay Mark, brace yourself." she says, her hands coming together. He straightens up, heartbeat picking up. God, what if he embarrasses himself? Taking the deepest breath possible, he puts his beer down and shuts off his brain.

"Uh... Truth."

Rubbing her hands together, Claire says: "I know you've only gotten to know us today, but have you thought about smashing any of us already?"

Mark feels his brain short-wire, only coming up with one answer. He is reminded of that moment, back in the car, when he had thought about Donghyuck and Lucas' relationship. When he had asked himself if they had sex yet, despite Donghyuck's age. Does that count? He hadn't pictured himself above Donghyuck, but... but what if he does? That's something he doesn't know how to feel about, because that's the first time he ever even thought about himself in a place like that. Especially the first time... with a boy.

He gulps, rips his eyes away to look down at Claire. Forcefully, his mind produces images of her soft curves, creating vivid pictures that he knows should make him feel some type of way. He ends up feeling nasty for doing that to her, nothing else. Coughing, he nods his head. It's not a lie and he hopes they can't see the betraying struggle in his eyes, as he cracks open another beer.

"Oh my god who!" She squeals.

Mark is just about ready to have a panic attack, but Jeno speaks up for the first time in a while, saving his ass: "Now, now Claire! Only one question, forgot?"

"Oh you killjoys." She pouts, then when her eyes come back to Mark, she plays with the neckline of his shirt, "Nevermind, I'll find it out one way or another."

He only laughs nervously. Not having the guts to look at her any longer, he looks into the round, his eyes getting caught on Donghyuck's warm gaze. He is definitely drunk, if the glassiness in his eyes has anything to say, but that only makes him softer around the edges. Mark finds he really, really likes that pink sweater on him. How can Lucas say something so mean, when Donghyuck looks so dazzling? He should feel so lucky.

"So, Donghyuck." he manages to squeeze out. The boy perks up, shuffling a little against Lucas, "Truth or dare?"

"Hmm, Truth."

Jaemin rolls his eyes, "Wow, y'all are mad boring."

Mark ignores him. There are a million questions he wants to ask Donghyuck, really, but none seem appropriate for the situation. They seem too deep, too serious. If Donghyuck asks him to keep a secret, he is not going to go around and expose him. He rakes his brain for something interesting – something funny – but nothing comes along.

"What's your favourite song?"

Silence. Everyone is gaping at him, as if he had just said the dumbest thing in the universe – which he probably did, thinking about it now. Then, in a sudden, collective outburst, everyone starts laughing. Gaon actually looses her grip on YangYang and falls right into his chest, Jaemin laughs so hard, there are tears gathering in his eyes and Claire fists his shirt, to hold on as she looses it. Donghyuck is the only one who isn't laughing. He isn't mad though, there is just that barely there, soft curve on his lips.

"Holy shit that was adorable!" Claire hollers.

Xiaojun slaps his shoulder, "You've got to be kidding me."

It takes an eternity until all the laughter finally dies down. Mark hopes Donghyuck might still answer, but he doesn't. Instead, Lucas leans over to mumble something in his ear. Donghyuck starts to grin so wide, Mark can't help but wonder what he said. Whatever it was, it must have worked in Lucas' favour, because a moment later, they rise from their spot and Lucas leads them over to what looks like a public beach-bar.

They don't return for a long time. The sun sets beyond the ocean's top and one after another, their circle becomes smaller. YangYang, Xiaojun and Gaon leave first. Then, Jaemin and Jinseon say their goodbyes with intertwined hands. Jeno, obviously the most sober of them all, takes all the empty bottles along as he, too walks off. Mina joins him spontaneously and if she is put off by Lucas having disappeared, she doesn't show it.

At one point, it's just Claire and him and he feels strangely nervous. She sits up, stretches her beautiful body and grins at him. Mark smiles back at her, the waves rushing next to them. As her hand wanders through his hair, he doesn't stop her, but somehow the sensation doesn't do to him what he would have expected. He wonders why. Claire looks dazzling, with the silver of the moon reflecting on her cheekbones and hair, like liquid silver.

"You going home too?" She asks.

Actually, he has no way to do so, except wait for Donghyuck, so he can drive them, "Uh, yeah. Yeah, probably."

"You're pretty cool Mark." She says, as she stumbles back on her feet, "We should hang out sometime. Here." She pulls an eyeliner pencil from her bag and scribbles a phone number on his wrist, "Promise you'll call?"

Mark stares at the black smudges, wondering if he will even be able to make sense of them once he sobered up, "Definitely."

"Amazing." Every part of his body tenses, when she presses a kiss to his cheek.

But she doesn't seem to mind, only laughs – a cute and pure sound. As she walks into the distance, Mark watches her go, before falling on his back. He doesn't think he will be able to get up just yet. Above him, the stars glimmer and around him, he can still hear some of the older kids scream and shout. The waves lull him into an almost sleep.

When he can't keep his eyes open anymore, he decides it's time to move. Donghyuck still isn't back, but, just in case, he should wait at the car. Wouldn't want Donghyuck to forget about taking him home too, if he has too much fun. Somehow the thought makes him a little sick. He might be inexperienced, but he isn't dense. There is no doubt about why Lucas and Donghyuck suddenly disappeared from the group.

The emptiness returns without him being prepared. It's worse now, than it had been before. Something makes trouble inside of him; maybe the alcohol, maybe all the sensations he had experienced today, maybe the imagination of Donghyuck pressed up against a wall and being kissed breathless by Lucas. Whatever the source, it has him numb all over. Somehow, it's scary. He wishes Renjun or Chenle or Jisung were here. Hell, even Taeyong would be wonderful company right now. Instead, he is all on his own in the night, standing in front of a car that he can't get into, because Donghyuck took the keys with him.

Heaving a sigh, Mark sits down on the hood and leans back, until his back collides with metal. The world is a little wonky and his chest empty. Of course, it was naive to hope that the emptiness wouldn't come back, but this is not what he had expected. He can't explain it, especially when he is barely able to form a straight sentence in his head right now.

He has to stop thinking about it. If he ignores that dull nothingness inside of him, he can pretend it never even existed. In search for something else to think about, he comes up with Claire first. Her friendly smile, her beautiful eyes... it doesn't quite work. Then, his memories return in the form of Donghyuck frowning at him through his window, laughing at him when he had coughed his heart out in the car, when Donghyuck had given him this gentle smile at his truth or dare question. It works well enough to have a light sleep cover him.

"Oh my god Mark." he opens one eye and Donghyuck looms over him.

Mark sits up so fast, his head spins for a moment. Shit, he is cold. He looks around the beach. It has cleared out; most people have gone home and left the beach an empty and peaceful patch. Shaking off the dizziness, Mark looks at Donghyuck.

Something is wrong. He immediately notices it, in the way Donghyuck's brows are furrowed and his shoulders are pulled up. There is a smile on his lips, but it's empty of what it should portray. It's dark, so Mark can't see his face properly, but he doesn't need to, to know Donghyuck is upset.

"Come on, get in the damn car, before you catch pneumonia." He orders and jerks the passanger door open for Mark.

He slides off the car hood and drags himself inside the car. It's a little warmer inside and he sighs in relief. There is barely any feeling left in his finger tips and his face hurts from the cold. But all of that disappears, when Donghyuck slips into the driver's seat and the overhead lamp shuts on. Mark feels his chest tighten all of a sudden, the emptiness broken by real pain. He can't decide what is worse.

There are hickeys all over Donghyuck's neck and his hair is dishevelled so bad that it looks like he went through a tornado. But there are other marks, too. Teartracks, so broad, they travel all over Donghyuck's cheeks. And then there is also... oh god. Despite the shadow, cast from Donghyuck's hair, Mark sees the edges of the bruise on his jaw. Not a mark of desire, but instead the signature of anger, too wild to be controlled.

Donghyuck starts the car without another word, silent sniffles following him.

"Donghyuck, you-"

"Don't." The boy shakes his head, collecting another small smile, "Don't say anything, please."

He falls silent, but his eyes are still fixed on Donghyuck's broken gaze. He seems completely sobered up, all that clouds his vision is sorrow. Mark feels the urge to hold him even stronger than before. How does one give a helping hand, when they don't even know how to feel around a person?

His gaze slips down, over the soft, pink fabric on Donghyuck's shoulders and he can't help but smile. Perhaps, the only right decision here, is to switch the topic: "You know, I actually really like your sweater." he slurs.

Donghyuck laughs, a tiny and wonderful sound, "Yeah?"

"Yup. Screw what your friends think about it." Mark gestures with his hand incorrehently, "If you like wearing it, do it. They're just jealous, because they don't look that cute."

God, what is he saying? At this point, he truly has no idea where he is going with this conversation anymore. Donghyuck doesn't answer, but he doesn't really need to either. Mark is content with just listening to the wind that blows through Donghyuck's open window and the soft surring of the impala's engine. Outside, stray houses pass them by in tiny, coloured specks and the main street below turns into a single, grey river. The sky above them is the only thing that doesn't move, a constant anchor for his turning vision.

Suddenly, the emptiness withdraws again. This time though, it doesn't give way to excitement, nerves and drunken euphoria. No, it morphs into a deep, satisfying peace. To his surprise, he wants to tell Donghyuck about it.

"You know, you did pretty well for a random creep. Usually, my friends take a little to warm up to newbies, but they seem to like you." Donghyuck says after a while, breaking his train of thoughts.

A gentle laughter makes his way from Mark's lungs, "Thank you." his mouth falls open, more words coming out than he had anticipated. It's like the alcohol takes the reigns from his self-control, "It was very nice of you to take me along. I had fun."

"It was nothing."

"No, really – I'm thankful." Mark leans his head back against the seat, "I didn't feel the emptiness for the first time in a long while."

He doesn't see the shocked look Donghyuck gives him at that. He doesn't know about the way his chest springs open for him. All he sees are the stars above, as they drive along the main street, back home.

"Mark..." Donghyuck whispers, a choked little whisper. He doesn't answer, instead just waits for Donghyuck to continue. It takes a long time, until he finally says something. Mark feels like it's not what he actually wanted to say, but he smiles anyways, when he hears the words: "My favourite song is Karma Police by Radiohead."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! Hope everyone´s holding up alright! I´ll chat with you guys in the end notes, for now I won´t keep you from reading on anymore! <3

When Mark wakes up the next morning, it's to the sun burning up his face, through a gap in the curtains. He whines and buries his head under his pillow, unwilling to accept what he knows are the beginnings of the biggest headache in this life. His eyes scrunch open and he casts a quick glance at his alarm. 11:26. Not a surprise really. On the weekends, usually he sleeps until noon either way, or he just lays in bed, because he is too exhausted to get up. Now though, he doesn't feel quite as heavy as usual. He really needs to do something about that headache though.

A thousand needles pinch his temples, as he pushes into a sitting position and draws the curtains. It feels strange, but his eyes are automatically drawn to Donghyuck's window. The curtains are drawn back, but the room is empty. Mark abandons his window, before he can risk being spotted like a creep again. Now, that Donghyuck has (hopefully) warmed up to him, he doesn't particularly feel like testing his luck. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, he finally makes it out of his room.

On the corridor, he bumps right into his brother. Taeyong is fresh out of the shower and looks a lot more awake than he feels. Toweling his black hair, he grins at Mark with a knowing look.

"Looks like someone had too much fun last night."

Mark yawns and as his jaw stretches, his head just starts to ache stronger, "I don't know what you mean."

"Mhm. Study-circle, huh?" Taeyong slaps him with his towel.

Making a weak attempt at dodging the attack, Mark bumps into the edge of his doorway, "I didn't know it would end like this."

"If it comforts you, before my first hangover I did know what was coming and I still went for it." he dramatically rolls his eyes, "The things you do to impress a girl." Mark can only give him a weak laugh, unable to produce anything more enthusiastic. He lets his brother pat his shoulder, as he retreats into his own room, "Eat some eggs, drink some coffee. You'll feel better soon."

Nodding, Mark trudges downstairs, to follow Taeyong's suggestion. Honestly, a plate of something very greasy does sound alluring right now. When he enters the kitchen, his mother is already at the counter, reading the newspaper. Her eyebrows are furrowed in concentration and she only hums, when he greets her good morning. Their kitchen is a bit of a mess, way too many things crammed into a too tight space, but Mark makes enough room for a toaster and a pan. As his eggs peacefully sizzle in their oliveoil, he pours himself a cup of coffee. Which is what finally rips his mother from her concentration, because he never drinks coffee. If someone knows something is out of the ordinary, it's always one's mother.

"You came home pretty late yesterday. Way past your curfew." Her tone isn't accusing, but Mark knows better than to think she isn't disappointed.

"I know, I... Uh- Everything was very spontaneous, I'm sorry."

She looks at him in thought for a moment, before shaking her head, "No... It's okay. I mean, you're almost 19 now, aren't you? Might even be too old for a curfew. Taeyong didn't have a curfew since he was 17. I just get worried, you know?"

He smiles gently and places a hand on hers, "I know Mom. Really, I'm sorry. I'll text you next time, it was dumb of me to worry you."

"You just don't usually stay out long." At that comment, Mark rolls his eyes and goes back to his eggs. His mother only laughs at him, "Don't get me wrong, I think it's great you're getting out. Maybe next time, you can take the boys with you, hm? They're all so pale, I don't think they ever leave the basement."

"They do, sometimes we go play basketball." Mark defends.

"Either way, Aspirin is in the cupboard above the sink." Turning to his mom, Mark gives her wide eyes, "Don't look at me like that, ever since Taeyong was your age, I could see a hangover from a mile away."

With his cheeks warm, Mark rummages through the cupboard and pulls the box of Aspirins free. As he stirs it into a glass of water and shoves his eggs onto a plate, footsteps echo from the staircase. A few seconds later, Taeyong slips into the kitchen. His hair is styled and his outfit picked out carefully, obviously putting in a little too much effort for a Sunday afternoon. He ignores Mark, sets his bag down at the counter and grabs himself a Yoghurt from the fridge.

"So, Donghyuck took good care of you?" Mark's mom asks, once he is seated at the counter as well.

"Yeah, he was the one that drove me home, actually."

Taeyong shoves a spoon of Yoghurt in his mouth, "And he was sober?"

Mark tries to rake his brain for the memories of last night. It's all a little blurry, hard to decipher and put in the right order, but he does remember Donghyuck's gaze, as he drove them home. Completely sober, but also... so crushed. Mark still wonders what had happened. Of course, it must have involved Lucas somehow, because he was the only one around Donghyuck at that time. Yet, he never really got to know anything else, after Donghyuck brushed him off, before he could even ask.

"Yeah." He answers easily, "He... He was very responsible."

"Good." Taeyong nods.

"And where are you off to?" Mark asks. He needs something to get the attention away from Donghyuck and last night, "Got a date? You're so dolled up."

Taeyong stops in his motions for a moment, thoughtful eyes pinned to the bottom of his Yoghurt-cup, "Actually, I'm going to practice for the school play. An upperclassman agreed on giving me vocal-lessons and running through the lines with me."

"That's so nice!" Their mom chimes, "What's their name?"

"Uh, his name is Taeil. He is a very talented singer, so I'm confident, he'll be able to help me." 

"You're already so good at singing though." Mark says, taking a sip from his coffee. His face scrunches up. Yeah, he remembers why he doesn't drink it that often.

Taeyong smiles at him, a slight tint to his cheeks, "Everything can be improved." Then, he suddenly gets up and discards his empty Yoghurt-cup and shoulders his bag, "I'll be off then. Take care guys."

"You too." He presses a kiss to his mother's cheek and ruffles Mark's hair with affection, before disappearing out the door.

Once his eggs are eaten and his coffee has run out, Mark moves to follow his brother's example. His mind is clear enough to tell him that he should go outside, before the emptiness sets in again. Maybe, Chenle would be up for hanging out. He gives his mom a kiss as well and slips out the door, texting Chenle that he is coming over. A few seconds later, his phone rings with a message.

Chenle: Jisung is here already, I'll ask Renjun if he wants to come, too.

You: Sounds good, I'll be there in ten.

At the bottom of the house's staircase, a rusty, red bike has been parked. Mark doesn't even bother locking it to the fence, since no one is going to steal it anyways. It's a miracle it still works, with how completely broken down it looks. Whenever Mark pushes his right foot down, there is a loud creak sounding in his wake. His mom had offered to buy a new one, but honestly; If he can still get from point A to point B, he would rather invest the money in a guitar that doesn't sound like a piece of plastic.

It's a little windy, but the sun is out, so his hoodie and shirt keep him warm enough. Just as he is in the middle of mounting his bike, something catches his attention: A silver mob of hair, crossing the street and hurrying towards him.

"Morning, creep." Donghyuck grins around a cigarette.

Mark can't help but smile. It's nice to know Donghyuck doesn't ignore him, when it's just the two of them. He had honestly expected to continue his life without Donghyuck's snarky comments and wonderful laughter left and right. Even though that would have been a great loss. Now though, Donghyuck walks over to him, hips swaying in a long, loose pair of ripped jeans. A black sweatshirt is stuffed into them and it looks a little too big to be Donghyuck's. The bruise on his cheek is gone – how, Mark isn't sure. He looks pretty; once more, a word Mark never thought he would choose to describe another boy. Girls are pretty, boys can be handsome. But somehow Donghyuck manages to be both.

"Hey Donghyuck."

"Whatcha up to?" Donghyuck asks, leaning against Mark's fence.

Mark eyes the light shimmer on Donghyuck's eyelid. Is he... wearing makeup? That must be how he managed to cover up the bruise. "Nothing, really. I was just going to meet my friends and hang out."

"Cool. Can I come with you?" Mark feels his eyebrows jump in surprise. Donghyuck only pouts, "My mom is still super stressed about moving everything and the ceiling is just really starting to fall on my head. I was planning to meet Lucas, but he's busy. I mean, can you believe he is studying on a sunday? Dedication."

Something in Mark's chest rattles. Donghyuck seems to have a lot of faith in Lucas' words, but to an outsider like him that sounds oddly unlikely. He is not going to be the one to say anything about it though. Mark barely knows Donghyuck as it is and he doesn't know Lucas at all. What business is their relationship to him?

"Sure. Although I don't know if playing video games in a basement is a big upgrade."

"You underestimate me." Donghyuck grins and tosses the glimmering bud of his cigarette to the ground, before stomping on it, "I actually like playing sometimes. Besides; anything would be an improvement to the jungle in there, trust me."

Laughing, Mark shrugs, "Alright then."

He is about to step down from his bike again, in favour of walking with Donghyuck, when the boy suddenly moves behind him. A thigh presses against him and then another one. Arms wrap around his waist comfortably and Mark can feel Donghyuck's smoky breath warm against his cheek. His palms start to sweat immediately. Of course, him and his friends often ride their bikes like this, since Chenle doesn't know how to ride and Renjun can't afford a bike. However, this is completely new. Mark blames it on the fact that he is usually familiar with his friends, but doesn't have a tight bond with Donghyuck yet.

Yeah, he is just shy. It has nothing to do with that sweet lavender scent under the smoke that he associates with Donghyuck by now. His eyes travel to the spots of Donghyuck's naked thighs, pressing against his clothed ones and his throat goes a little dry. Yeah, just shy.

"I... Uh- don't know if my bike can, uhm, carry both of us."

Donghyuck hooks his chin over his shoulder and pouts at him, "Are you calling me fat?"

"No! No, oh god, I was just-" 

"Relax, I'm fucking with you." Donghyuck laughs and his hands fist a little tighter in Mark's hoodie, "It'll be fine. If we fall, I'll buy you a new one."

Despite the fact that he would never outright ask Donghyuck to buy him a new bike, Mark clears his throat and kicks the pedals. The bike creaks even louder than usual, causing his cheeks to go warm, but once they have gathered a bit of speed, the creaking becomes less and less. He doesn't let Donghyuck's proximity distract him, doesn't allow the gentle stroke of his hair against his cheek to be the cause of an accident. It takes a lot at the beginning, but a few minutes in, Mark finally feels himself relax.

As they roll down the streets of the small town, past several row houses, trees and playgrounds, Mark can't help but smile. When was the last time he had made a new friend? Him, Renjun, Chenle and Jisung had always been attached at the hip, not leaving a lot of room for new entrants. He loves them, knows them inside out as they know him, but still, the prospect of having someone new in his life that he could get to know from the beginning is like standing in line for a rollercoaster. On top of it all, Donghyuck isn't just anyone. He is fun and interesting, if still sassy and snarky.

"What are you smiling at?" Mark starts. He hadn't even noticed that he was smiling. A quick look back at Donghyuck's raised brow only has his smile grow wider.

Gathering his courage, he says: "I'm just happy you're here." He is met with silence, but Donghyuck's arms tighten a little around him, so he supposes he hasn't said anything too dramatic.

After ten minutes, they finally come to a halt in front of a huge house with blue roofs and big windows. Chenle's family had always had a lot of money and since their basement was by far the nicest, Mark and his friends had agreed to always meet there by default. Another bike is already parked there; a sleek black model in a way better condition than Mark's. Chenle had mentioned that Jisung would already be there. 

Mark leans his bike against Jisung's and rounds the house to get to the back door. Donghyuck follows him with wide eyes that look around the place. No one could really blame him for that. If Mark hadn't practically grown up here, he thinks he would be just as amazed. By now though, he is already used to the perfectly mowed lawn, the white, spotless walls and the tiny spring-fountain in the backyard. Even the squeaky clean sportscar in the front doesn't throw him off anymore.

They slip through the open back door, greeted by the familiar, air-conditioned atmosphere of the Zhong-manor. There is some noise coming from the living room, so Mark goes to greet Chenle's mother. She is in the middle of her workout, running on one of three different treadmills.

"Hello Mrs. Zhong." Mark waves at her.

She beams, "Hey Mark! Oh, you brought a friend."

"Nice to meet you." Donghyuck bows a little. It might be the first time Mark has seen him just a little shy.

"I hope you'll have it nice. Mark – Try to go outside for once, it's so nice today, but I can't seem to convince the boys to leave the basement."

Mark laughs gently, "You know how it is Mrs. Zhong. If you can't convince them, I doubt I can."

She only waves him off and Mark motions Donghyuck forward to follow him further into the house. They climb down a wooden staircase into the basement and even without looking at Donghyuck, Mark can feel his eyes go even wider. The basement is in polished condition and filled with all kinds of different things; A pool-table in one corner, several flippers in the other. There is also a long row of electrical guitars hung along one wall, which Mark had been allowed to try in the past. Vinyl records cover the other walls in a decorative fashion and the floor is covered in a fluffy, black carpet. It's so soft, Mark had had no problem sleeping on it several times in his life.

Then, there are the two huge monitors in the last corner. They are probably worth a whole car, but Chenle doesn't like to talk about money to them. There are three different kinds of consoles and two huge sofas that face the set. Three different voices are already talking to each other in animated voices.

"I'm telling you, my druid is basically unbeatable by now, I've got the perfect fighting-strategy down." Jisung squeals in excitement.

"Druids are lame." Chenle says, "I like my Paladin. I can heal myself AND mete out some mean punches."

Mark jumps over the backrest of the sofa, causing all of his friends to jump, "Not to start that conversation, but you all know that my hunter is the coolest."

"Just because you have that stupid bear as a companion." Renjun hisses. He is probably still butthurt about that one time Mark beat him in a duel.

"Baloo is NOT stupid, Renjun. Don't hurt his feelings."

Donghyuck follows Mark across the backrest easily. He never shrinks in his confidence, even as three teenagers look at him, like he is an alien. "You're playing warcraft?"

"Uh, yeah." Jisung says, his eyes wide and fixated on Donghyuck, "D-do you want to play, too? You can have my controller."

Donghyuck beams at him, "Aw, that's so sweet thank you!"

Jisung nods like an over-eager puppy, handing Donghyuck his controller as if in a trance. Mark almost wants to laugh. He thought Donghyuck had an effect on him, but their youngest is another level. Chenle and Renjun just look confused, their glances moving from Donghyuck to Mark in a silent question.

"Guys, this is Donghyuck. My new neighbour." He says, "Donghyuck, those are Renjun, Chenle and Jisung."

"New neighbour?" Renjun asks with a raised brow, "Since when?"

"Yesterday." Donghyuck says, while clicking on Jisung's controller. With a stunned expression, Mark watches him slay a level 67 elite with a few spells, "Man, I love druids."

As if he hadn't been excited before, Jisung's eyes widen with happiness, "I know right? Everyone always makes fun of me for choosing one, but I like them so much."

"They just have so many possibilities, with how you can transform into other creatures." Donghyuck nods, "Keeps things interesting." 

"I didn't know you do stuff like that." Mark comments, plugging his controller into the box as well.

"What, you thought all I do with my time is go to the beach and get stared at by random creeps through my window?"

Renjun lifts a brow, while Mark tries his best not to sink completely into the sofa, "That happened to you? Is that why you moved away?"

"Oh yeah, it did." Donghyuck chuckles, barely paying Mark any attention, "But don't worry, I think the guy got the message that day."

Jisung's face becomes a few shades redder, "It was a guy?"

"Honestly, it surprised me too." Donghyuck smirks and shrugs, as another enemy perishes under his buttons, "Guess I'm just that irresistible."

Chenle laughs, "You're cool."

Mark can't help but smile too. Honestly, maybe he had doubted that Donghyuck would really get along with his friends. With how different their worlds seemed to be in the beginning, he had feared they would discern him as a kind of intruder. However, Donghyuck seems to have a lot more facettes to himself than he had thought. He shouldn't underestimate the guy so much, after all he had even managed to include an awkward clutz like Mark into a new friendgroup. Donghyuck just has a hand for people.

"I sometimes play with Jeno." Donghyuck finally explains, "He's the only one of my friends who agreed to playing with me. In the end he got more hooked on it than me. We're not on the same level you guys are though. How long did it even take you to level that high?"

"Chenle broke his foot last summer." Renjun says, accompanying Donghyuck in slaying a gigantic tree-spirit, "As his guild, of course it was our responsibility to provide him company."

Donghyuck hums with an endeared smile, "What, your girlfriends aren't mad about you spending so much time here?"

Everyone splutters, as Donghyuck lets out a victorious yelp, at beating the tree-spirit. Renjun clears his throat, "Actually, none of us have... girlfriends."

"For real?" Donghyuck looks at him with wide eyes, then musters the other boys, too, "But you're all so cute! Aren't the girls at school going crazy over you?"

Jisung runs a hand through his hair, "No. They're going crazy over the basketball team and the drama club-members."

Pouting, Donghyuck looks at Mark with a pleading frown, "Not even you, Mark?"

With an embarrassed cough, Mark shakes his head, "Nope. No girlfriend."

"I need to get you guys connected then." Donghyuck decides, "The world can't miss out on such fine men."

"Isn't it weird if you say that?" Chenle asks with big eyes.

"Huh?" Donghyuck's mouth forms a tiny 'o', before he laughs to himself, "Well, I might not be a girl, but I'm not blind either, right? I can tell when a man is handsome, without wanting to be in his bed."

There is a long stunned silence, in which Donghyuck starts to travel the realm on a hyppogryph. Mark can't help but look at him in admiration for a moment. The way Donghyuck had said this was so unapologetic, Mark actually wishes he had that kind of confidence. Even though he isn't sure why he didn't just admit that he liked men. He had told Mark as much, so there should not be a problem with telling his friends. Then again, he probably has his reasons.

At that thought though, he stops short. If Donghyuck thinks of them as handsome men, isn't that like being called handsome by a girl? Suddenly, he feels very stupid and confused. It shouldn't matter really, if Donghyuck says he is handsome, that's just that. He has a boyfriend after all, so this doesn't count as flirting, right? It's not the same as it had been with Claire on the beach, right? God, he is so confused. Something like this had never been a topic and he has no idea where to start right now. Donghyuck is just all kinds of enthicing and confusing at the same time.

"You guys have been to a party, though, right?" Donghyuck finally breaks the silence again.

Mark laughs to himself, "Uh... no, we usually don't really get invited to those."

"This is truly a mystery. How can anyone resist those puppy-eyes?" He reaches out and squishes Jisung's cheeks. The boy's eyes light up and even as he shyly backs away, Mark sees the happiness on his face. "Either way, it's Jeno's birthday soon and my friends Jaemin and Claire have arranged a surprise party for him. They told me I could invite whoever I want, so you lot are officially on the list."

"Woah, Hyung that sounds really cool." Jisung says, shuffling closer to Donghyuck, "Do you go to parties often?"

Donghyuck gives him a wide grin, "I don't go to parties Sungie, I bring the party."

Renjun snorts from his spot, but Mark can tell that he is trying his best not to look affected. It's clear as crystal that his friends are just as enraptured by Donghyuck as he had been from the first moment. Donghyuck is a phenomenon – something their friendgroup had never had the chance to interact with.

"So, Donghyuck." Renjun says, his eyes hushing between the screen and the silver-haired boy, "Now that you have moved here, will you attend the local high school too?"

"Jup, starting tomorrow, actually." Donghyuck says, "I'm glad to be honest, because I always went to a different school than most of my friends and now I get a chance to see them more often."

"Will we get to see you too?" Jisung asks quickly.

Turning his head to Jisung with a pleased expression, he throws the youngest a wink, "You bet."

Squealing like a kid, Jisung hides his face in Donghyuck's shoulder, causing the older to laugh. Mark watches the exchange with the biggest fascination. Wow, Donghyuck really has Jisung wrapped around his fingers. All in the span of thirty minutes. Judging from the fact that Renjun doesn't seem able to keep his eyes off Donghyuck for longer than five minutes, Jisung doesn't seem to be the only one either. Chenle is the only one who is completely engrossed in the game. Then again, Chenle had never been too invested in other people except for his family and close friends.

At some point, Donghyuck gives Jisung his controller back, insisting that he deserved to play a little as well. Nudging Mark's arm, he mumbles 'make some space'. Confused, Mark lets his arm be lifted up, so Donghyuck can slide beneath it and lay his head on Mark's chest. For a moment, he can't help but hold his breath, as Donghyuck adjusts on top of him. He shouldn't be so nervous, honestly, it's just Donghyuck. No way in hell would he react like that if Jisung or Renjun did something similar. Not even Claire had made him this nervous. What the hell is going on with him?

Willing himself to relax, he lowers his arm on Donghyuck's chest, using his controller above his shoulder. The boy sighs in contentment and sinks deeper into his hold. Somehow, this makes him happy. Just the fact that Donghyuck seems to be comfortable around him already. It's a sort of accomplishment and Mark feels a smile creep up his face.

"Do any of you use those?" Donghyuck points at the guitars on the wall.

"My dad likes collecting them, because they look cool, but he only really plays two of them." Chenle explains, "I can only play piano, but Mark is really good."

Donghyuck's head shifts and Mark feels his nose bump against his chin, "You play guitar? How boyfriend-material."

Mark laughs and coughs at the same time, before regaining his calmness, "Uh, yeah... haven't played a lot lately."

At first, he doesn't really expect Donghyuck to answer anything, but then there are a few whispered words. He says them so softly, the others don't even hear it over the sounds of the game, but Mark's heart seems to freeze for a moment.

"Is it because of the emptiness?"

Biting his lip hard, Mark pauses his character, "I need to use the restroom."

Careful not to knock Donghyuck up the head with his knee, he climbs over the backrest and hurries out of the room. He isn't sure why the urge to escape had overwhelmed him so suddenly. Maybe, because this is the first time that someone actually spoke about this. Of course, he had told Donghyuck. Despite the definite blackout, there is a dark memory that convinces him of that. Yet, he had honest to god expected Donghyuck to ignore those words – to maybe not take them seriously, even if Mark meant them with all his chest.

But hearing someone else talk about it out loud makes it scary. It makes it more real, more selected, in a way that puts pressure on him. Suddenly, he knows it's there and he can't tell himself it's just something that will pass anymore. Donghyuck sounded worried. Mark never wanted to worry anyone, especially not himself. But now there is something to worry about – something that almost physically stands in the room with them. Shit, why did he ever tell Donghyuck about it, he shouldn't have. This is just going to make it harder for him.

As he runs into the bathroom upstairs and locks the door behind himself, he feels his heart thump in his head. The emptiness bites at him, sharp teeth tearing at his being and he is so fucking scared all of a sudden. So scared of something he had always been able to negate.

The truth is he doesn't want to feel like this. Because, especially since yesterday, he remembers what it felt like for everything to be different. What it felt like to not be in this numb hole, with walls that seem too high to climb. He is afraid that this is what he has to feel for the rest of his life now. Who would want to live and entire lifetime with no strength to do anything but let the clock tick by and watch the sun disappear behind the horizon? Who would want to spend every day, feeling like they never woke up and are still asleep? What is he supposed to do? He doesn't know what this is, only that it's scary and he doesn't know where it came from.

His body curls in the corner of the tiny room, head disappearing between his knees, if only not to see the shadows around him. Donghyuck was right. The reason he had stopped playing guitar – the one thing that had always managed to bring him joy – had been the emptiness. It had taken every bit of energy he had had to spare and used it up, leaving nothing for music, nothing for passion. How could he have let everything slip out of control so bad?

A sudden knock on the bathroom door rips him out of his thoughts, "Yo Mark, we're ordering Pizza, do you want yours with pepperoni?" Renjun shouts.

Mark sniffs, brushing the tears he hadn't even noticed he had shed, from his face, "Uh, yeah! That'd be nice."

"You got it." Renjun says, but his footsteps don't trail away, "Hey, you okay in there?"

"Y-yeah. I'm... I'm fine." He knows he doesn't sound very convincing, but he hopes Renjun would leave it alone anyways.

The shadow of Renjun's socked feet still remains frozen at the door, "You sure? You sound a little..."

Furiously brushing more tears that sting at his eyes away, Mark inhales sharply, to steady his voice, "I'm serious Renjun, I'll be right outside, honestly."

Another couple of seconds tick by, but finally, Renjun says 'okay' and Mark hears his steps gradually fade in the distance. Exhaling a quiet, relieved sigh, he closes his eyes. God, he has to collect himself and get a grip. If he doesn't want to worry the others too and Donghyuck even more, he can't go out there, looking like someone had just torn his soul out and put a stone back in.

Staring into the tiny bathroom-mirror, Mark sees a hollow boy look back at him. His eyes are glassy and red-rimmed and there are deep shadows along the lines. He doesn't recognize much of the Mark Lee he had believed to be, but if he lets himself hope, there is still a glimmer of him shining through. Okay. He'll figure this out. He has to.

\--*--

Their afternoon becomes more and more relaxed, the longer Donghyuck is around. Once their Pizza arrives, they turn off the game and talk about Donghyuck's old home. Mark finds out that he in fact had lived in an apartment, instead of a house before and that he feels a little overwhelmed with the size. Mark can't imagine living anywhere else, to be honest, since he had always lived in the same place, ever since he was born.

"When my parents fought and my mom banned my dad from the bedroom, he would always sleep in my room on a comforter." Donghyuck laughs to himself, "It was great. My dad is a chill dude and we had really great conversations."

Jisung's eyes are all droopy, when he looks at Donghyuck, "Do your parents fight often?"

"What? No." quickly assuring Jisung, Donghyuck bites a piece off his pizza, "And when they do, it's always very childish and not serious at all. He would usually just go back to their bedroom after a night or two. Sometimes, I feel like he just wanted to hang out with me, the crackhead."

"They sound like awesome people." Chenle remarks.

"They are." Donghyuck agrees. For a moment, his smile falters a little, eyes pinned to his fingers, "I struggled a little at my old school, but they were always there to support me. Like my friends, you know?"

Renjun frowns with sympathy, "You struggled?"

"Ah yeah, well", suddenly Donghyuck's wide smile is back and he gives a nonchalant shrug, "You know, people were just mean. There are bullies everywhere."

Chenle's eyes widen, "No way you got bullied! But you're so kind. What would they find to use against you?"

As if on instinct, Donghyuck's eyes hush to meet Mark's. Just that is enough to tell him what the source of the struggle had been. This must be why Donghyuck doesn't like telling people about having a boyfriend. Not even his friends. Yet again, Mark wonders why Donghyuck decided to tell him of all people. His friends don't know, Mark's friends won't know and he isn't even sure if Donghyuck's parents know. He gets it though. Which is why he is even more determined to keep this secret, until either Donghyuck decides to uncover it or he breathes his last breath.

"You know, they always find something."

Jisung crosses his arms in front of his chest, a determined frown on his face, "Well, if anyone comes to mess with you again, you tell us and we'll show them the ropes!"

Donghyuck looks at Jisung for a moment and breaks out into a happy squeal, "How the fuck are you so adorable?!" He jumps on top of Jisung and cuddles him into the fluffy carpet.

Across Donghyuck's shoulder, Mark can see Jisung's cheeks flush a deep red. He isn't used to a proximity like this, since none of them are usually very touchy. There is a distinct happiness on his face though, so Mark doesn't think he minds at all. Laughter bubbles in his chest, tuning out the heaviness he still feels from the sudden wave of anxiety before. When Donghyuck climbs off of Jisung after all, he makes sure to sit next to Mark.

Softly, he nudges Mark's arm with his elbow. When Mark looks at him, there is a nervous half-smile on his lips and he understands what this is: A silent apology. There is no way he could ever blame this on Donghyuck though, so he smiles and shakes his head. It's absolutely sincere, which is why he isn't worried that Donghyuck might not believe him.

When the clock finally hits six and the sun starts to set, Chenle's mom comes down the remind them that they should go home. "You have school tomorrow after all." She says.

They all go on their own ways then, Renjun on the back of Jisung's bike and Donghyuck on the back of Mark's. The setting sun paints the sky a pretty forget-me-not blue and the single, tiny clouds look like fluffy sheep against the colour. Donghyuck's cheek is pressed against Mark's shoulder as they ride through the empty streets, back to their houses.

He almost thinks Donghyuck might have dozed off, when he suddenly speaks up: "I like your friends, they're really kind."

"They like you, too." Mark can say that with certainty, "To be honest, I think Jisung might have a bit of a bro-crush on you."

Donghyuck giggles for a moment, then his arms tighten around Mark. He feels small against him all of a sudden, his grip is desperate, "I thought about telling them for a moment. But, I couldn't do it."

Donghyuck doesn't have to explain to him what he means. Again, Mark is tempted to ask him why he had told him at all, but he also knows that's not what Donghyuck needs to hear right now. So, instead he says: "You don't have to tell anyone, if you're not comfortable with it." Then, because he genuinely means it, he adds: "Although there is really nothing to be ashamed of."

He doesn't know if this is the right thing to say in a situation like this. No one in his friend circle had ever outed themselves as anything but straight, so the concept is still foreign to him. All he can do is say what is on his mind. Because, despite not feeling the same way, he doesn't want Donghyuck to feel like there might be something wrong with him. In his mind, Donghyuck just feels the same things Mark feels for girls, but instead he feels them for boys. Who can blame him for that? He really doesn't understand why people get so riled up about it and there is a thick wave of sympathy, with the knowledge that Donghyuck has to deal with this. Despite being so kind, despite not juding anyone else.

Donghyuck sighs and squeezes him for a moment, "Even if I wanted to, I don't think it would be a good idea."

"Because of your old school?"

Mark is honestly surprised how open Donghyuck suddenly is towards him. Again, he wonders why. Why he had told him about having a boyfriend, why he tells him his worries. Yet, he actually cherishes the trust. He has never had anyone to share a deep secret with, so instead of questioning it further, Mark lets it in.

"Because, Lucas would kill me."

That has him think about the bruise, covered under layers of makeup, which blooms on Donghyuck's cheek. For a moment he feels like he has to throw up across his bike, but he catches himself. His eyes sting all of a sudden, with the pain in his chest and he can't quite explain it. What is he supposed to say to that? Should he just be honest and tell Donghyuck that he doesn't feel like Lucas is good for him? Should he ask why Donghyuck likes him in the first place? This is all completely new territory. So far, the biggest drama outside of his own head had been that one time Renjun had lost Chenle's pet rat and they hadn't talked for a week.

He is just about to say something, when Donghyuck beats him to it: "You should play for me someday. On your guitar. I bet you're really good. Would you?"

"Yeah", Mark says without hesitation, "Yeah, definitely." As they turn into their street, he adds: "I could learn Karma police."

Donghyuck hums happily, "If you play that at a party, you have a ninety-nine per cent chance of getting laid. Just for your information."

Laughing softly, Mark pulls the brakes on his bike and brings them to a stop. To be honest, he doesn't really feel like playing in front of an entire crowd. He just really wants to play in front of Donghyuck. The picture of the silver-haired boy sitting on his bed, as Mark sits on his desk-chair and plays for him makes him fill up with a happy kind of excitement. Donghyuck being Donghyuck would probably give him the biggest reaction, no matter if he liked the way Mark played or not.

Shaking his head, Mark bans the picture from his head and watches Donghyuck climb off the bike, "Thanks for the tip, I'll keep it in mind." 

"Although I'm pretty sure once it comes to Claire you just have to ask." Donghyuck chuckles, as Mark flushes, "Seriously though, thanks for letting me tag along. You didn't have to, but you did anyways."

"Believe it or not, but it's hard to say 'no' to you." Mark mumbles.

Grinning like the sun, Donghyuck nods, "Yeah, I hear that often."

Then, he does something Mark hadn't expected: He pulls him into a very warm and tight hug. The smell of cigarettes has worn off during the day, so Donghyuck's lavender scent is a bit stronger now. Combined with the evening-air and the unmistakable smell of spring, Mark finds himself filled with a peaceful prickling. Donghyuck's breath fans against his neck, and even though he pulls away quickly again, Mark feels like the moment had stretched for hours. Donghyuck backs away slowly, his eyes trained on Mark in thought.

"Night, creep."

"Night Donghyuck." Mark answers and, once Donghyuck has reached his own door, Mark climbs the steps to get inside his house.

The TV is on in the living room and he can see Taeyong and his mom lounging on the couch, limbs tangled and watching '17 again'. Mark smiles when he sees Taeyong's cheek squished so comfortably against their mom's shoulder. She smiles at him, with that brilliant, curled smile Taeyong has inherited more than anyone else in the family.

As Mark spots the empty popcorn bowl on the coffee table, he holds it up to them, "You want a re-fill?"

"The best brother award goes to...!" Taeyong lazily shakes his hands and their mom laughs heartily.

"Thanks, sweetheart."

Nodding, Mark carries the bowl into the kitchen and pulls out a fresh package. As he waits for the microwave to do its job, he thinks back on the day. He hadn't been lying when he said his friends like Donghyuck and he is honestly relieved about it. It might be a bold claim, but Mark feels like him and his friends are able to show Donghyuck a kind of affection he doesn't know yet. If that is the case, he wants to do his best to make Donghyuck comfortable. Who knows, maybe someday he will gather the courage to reveal his secret to them after all. Until then, all Mark has to do is assure him of his support one way or another. He hasn't quite figured out how to do that, without intruding Donghyuck's personal space, but he thinks with the time an answer will come.

With a light feeling in his chest, he pours the popcorn into a bowl and goes to dump the empty packaging. A glimpse into the paper-bin makes him freeze. Frowning at a piece of paper, he leans down and reaches out to pull it free. Usually, he doesn't pay any mind to what people throw in there, of course, but he recognized the label of their local bank in an instant. He feels a little guilty, as his eyes rake over the printed lines, but with every word that guilt makes way to the bitter taste of anger in his mouth.

There are a lot of words he doesn't understand, but his brain still manages to piece what he has together, into a coherent message: They are dunning letters. Several sums come together for all kinds of things; Gas, water, insurance. As he reads further, he comes across warning paragraph. Only a few words stick out to him, when his mind starts to turn; 'delay', 'debt', 'governmental policy breaching', 'dispossession of estate property'. And above all of it, a sum, longer than Mark has ever seen one, printed in thick, black font that seems to mock him.

As if it were on fire, Mark throws the papers back into the trash, burrying it under the empty popcorn package. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. His eyes travel back to the sofa, where he can only see his mom's and Taeyong's heads shake softly, as they laugh at the movie. She can't have told Taeyong. And she didn't tell Mark either. Why? How can she just keep this a secret? Isn't it their right to know about it? This is, after all, something that is going to affect all of them, if it gets out of hand.

He knows his mom can't work more. She's already doing two jobs and there is just no time for a third one. Ever since their dad left, all the responsibility had been on her. Two sons, that need their education paid and a huge house that needs more reparing than it cost them when they bought it a long time ago. She has to deal with all of it on her own. Why would she be so selfish to not tell Taeyong and him? They could get jobs too, over the weekends and help her out! Why would she-?

Unable to stand in that silent kitchen any longer, he grabs the popcorn bowl and practically throws it in Taeyong's lap. He sees both of them cast him a worried look for a moment, but he is already turning away.

"Sweetheart, everything alright?" His mom calls.

He has to do everything in his power not to yell at her. Instead, he says: "Yeah. Just tired, I'm going to bed."

Maybe, they still want to say something to him, but he doesn't stop to wait. Instead, he runs right upstairs and towards his room. At Taeyong's door, he stops momentarily. Then, he slips inside quickly, rummaging through his desk drawer. He finds what he had hoped and pulls two cigarettes from his package. It kind of happens on autopilot, since it's not something he ever saw himself doing. But he has no capacity to pay it any mind. All he remembers from smoking his first cigarette yesterday, had been the burning heat in his throat and the calm it had let in alongside the smoke.

He leaves Taeyong's room and slips into his own, ripping a window open. Like so many times before, he climbs onto his window sill and sits there. Below him, the roof above the entrance door is almost flat, so even if he falls from the sill, he won't fall all the way down to the ground. Grabbing a box of matches, he lights one of the cigarettes and takes a drag.

Of course, he coughs again, but it's weaker than last time. The tears that spring to his eyes conceal the ones he would have shed because of his mom. Never before had she lied to them, especially not about something important. He is so confused, doesn't know what to think anymore, doesn't know what to do. If his friends were here, would they be able to tell him what to do? Or would they be just as lost as he feels right now; stranded on an abandoned island in the middle of an endless sea?

A flickering light across the street draws his attention. Donghyuck's window is illuminated and Mark can see his silhouette even through his drawn curtains. At first, he seems to move erratically and Mark almost thinks he's having a stroke, until he understands with a soft chuckle. He is dancing. To a tune Mark can't hear. Maybe, he is listening to 'Karma Police'.

Suddenly, he takes another drag from his cigarette and gets up to collect his guitar. On his phone, he looks up the chords for the song and listens to it intently. He understands why Donghyuck likes it. It fits with his personality; centered and melancholic, but also a little snarky. He finds himself fall back into a familiar rhythm of strumming and reading, humming and feeling the music coarse through his system. Sometime around midnight someone knocks at his door, but he ignores it and puts his guitar aside, stubs his second cigarette out on the window sill and goes to bed.

There are still a lot of things on his mind, but he distracts himself with the conception of playing Donghyuck his favourite song. Maybe, he will gift Mark one of those wide smiles. It would be the first time he would smile just for him. With that in mind, he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I officially started working the other day and on the 7th I´ll also start going to uni! I won´t guarantee that I´ll be able to work much on stories in that time, since it´s going to be _a lot,_ but Pink Sweater is a finished draft, so don´t worry about being left in the air, I´d never do that to you guys!   
> (*nervously glances at We eat our demons for breakfast*) 
> 
> Meanwhile Philocalist is coming along pretty nicely and my Horror novel is going well too! I feel like I´m writing all the time, maybe I should take a break… XD Who am I kidding? 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this new chapter and are starting to get familiar with Mark by now! Off set Donghyuck and him are always playing UNO, it´s very wholesome. (Yes I like to pretend this is a movie, don´t @me OTL) 
> 
> How have you been? What are you hoping to see in this story? How do you feel about the way it´s going? <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome back to the mess :'D I´m really happy you´re still around. Hopefully you´ll enjoy this chapter and stick around even longer hehe! More stuffs for me to talk about are in the end notes, have fun! <3

The next day, Mark leaves home without a word to either his mother or Taeyong. As he makes his way to school the sky above him is painted in a dull grey, fitting his mood. Even after sleeping on everything and stealing just one more cigarette from Taeyong's drawer, he hadn't been able to shake the nagging heaviness in his chest. Somehow, his mom's betrayal just seems to amplify the emptiness that usually keeps to a managable amount. The only other time it had ever been this bad, was when he had waited for Donghyuck at the beach. He doesn't find a pattern in that and he honest to god doesn't have enough energy to analyse it anymore.

It's somehow difficult enough to just heave himself out of bed and make it to school. He didn't even have breakfast, apart from an apple he had snatched from their fruit bowl. Luckily for him, school has always had a comforting rhythm to it that kept his mind off things. Class after class, always the same, never something unexpected. It's dull, but at least it can't throw him off.

Now though, there is an added bonus to his school time, which he had almost forgotten about. Donghyuck is accompanied by Claire, YangYang and Jaemin, as he slides into the seat next to Mark at lunch. Jisung and Chenle still have a class to finish, but Renjun is there and Mark sees him shrink in the presence of all those strangers. Mark tries to throw him a comforting smile, but he simply doesn't have the same calming effect on people as Donghyuck does.

"I swear, your school is fucking gigantic." Donghyuck remarks, taking a spoonful of his veggie-rice.

"It's your school now, too." Claire says. When she meets Mark's gaze, her grin widens and she winks at him. Since his nerves are still going crazy, he doesn't manage more than a shy smile, but as always, she doesn't seem to mind at all.

"Hey Renjun, you haven't met my friends yet, right?" Donghyuck gently says in Renjun's direction, "Those are Claire and Jaemin."

YangYang pouts, "And what about me?"

Donghyuck grimaces, "I don't want to introduce you to him, you'll spoil his beautiful soul."

Despite himself, Renjun laughs and nods his head at the newcomers. Honestly, how in the heavens does Donghyuck do that? He must be some kind of wizard.

Absentmindedly, he listens to them all talk about different things. They include Renjun, as they had included Mark at the beach and easily make him feel comfortable. Mark finds he is unable to concentrate on their conversation though. Everything in his mind seems to stand upside-down right now and it's seriously exhausting. He feels like there are too many things to figure out and he doesn't know how to start. Should he maybe talk to Taeyong about it? His big brother had always been the more responsible and adult one of them, with being years older than Mark himself. Then again, he also knows that Taeyong is busy with his own things right now. Would it be wise to put even more stress on his shoulders? The drama club at his school means everything to him, Mark wouldn't forgive himself, if he were to take that away from him.

A gentle nudge against his arm rips him from his thoughts.

"You okay?" Donghyuck asks gently.

Mark takes a deep breath, realizing that he had completely drifted off, "Yeah just... thinking."

Once he sends Donghyuck a tight smile, the boy leaves it be. Not without a sad glance though, which Mark pointedly ignores. Even if he does feel like sharing his worries with Donghyuck, the rest of the table doesn't have to be in on it, too.

"Maybe we should get some cotton candy after school." Donghyuck suddenly proposes.

Mark looks at him with his eyebrows high, "Cotton candy?"

"I know from personal experience that it's the perfect solution for everything." He shrugs, obviously pleased with his own idea, "And I also happen to know a very nice place for it. So, what do you say?"

There is a smile tugging at his lips again, which he can't really explain to himself, "Yeah, okay."

"Yes!" Throwing his hands in the air Donghyuck cheers happily.

Mark thinks he should be the happier one of the two. Yet, Donghyuck seems so relieved, so happy that he agreed. Somehow, he is reminded of that hug they shared the day before and strangely enough he feels like holding Donghyuck again. Shield him from everything that could hurt him and Mark, create them a safe bubble that no one can break through.

His hand is nudged on the table and he looks up at Claire. She gives him a gentle pout, "You never called."

For a moment that lasts a little too long, Mark's mind is blank. He has no idea what she is talking about. Then, as if through the projection of a broken beamer, the image of a smudged phone number on his wrist comes back to live. His eyes flit down to his clean hand. Honestly, he had completely forgotten about it throughout yesterday and before he could remember, it had washed off.

"I'm so sorry. I wanted to." He says, sincerely, "I totally smudged it into my pillow."

That seems to give her enough comfort to smile again, "Well, if you're still up for it, I'll give you another chance. Give me your phone." She holds her hand out and Mark hurries to place it in her palm. After a bit of concentrated typing, Claire hands it back to him with a satisfied kitten-smirk. He feels his heart jump at the confidence in her gaze. It suits her – like the crop top and jeans she is wearing. Man, he should have written that number down in his phone the moment he got it. Everything had just been so distracting, he had been drunk and Donghyuck-...

"Honestly, if I don't call you this time, I will ask Renjun to kick my ass." He says. When she laughs he feels a satisfying warmth in his chest. Good, so she isn't mad. He would have sincerely been upset if the possibility of getting to know her would have disappeared, just thanks to his chaotic mind, "I'll call for sure."

She tilts her head and smiles, "Don't wait too long."

The bell suddenly rings through the hallways and she gets up from her spot, to hurry to class. Taking a deep breath Mark collects his bag and stands up, too. As he checks his contacts, he finds a new entry saying 'Claire <3'. Biting his lip, Mark is too occupied with the giddiness in his limbs, to notice the shadow looming over his shoulder.

"Oh, you're in for it dude." Jaemin gives him a shit-eating grin, before he points at Mark's phone, "She wants you and what Claire wants, she gets."

"Thanks for the input Jaemin." Donghyuck pushes his friend away with a roll of his eyes, "Try not to make Mark more nervous than he is already, okay? He might accidentally fall over."

"I'mnotnervous." Mark splutters.

Donghyuck looks at him and starts giggling, before patting his cheek gently, "Yeah, you tell yourself that."

They say goodbye to Renjun, Yangyang and Jaemin, before trudging down the hall to their only shared class of the day. Honestly, Mark had hoped to share more than two subjects with Donghyuck, but since the other is on a much higher level in most subjects, that didn't happen. He shares English with him and Renjun on Fridays and biology, with only Donghyuck, on Mondays. As they make their way through the school, Mark can feel Donghyuck's curious eyes on him.

Finally, the younger cracks with the question on his mind: "Have you ever even been with a girl?"

At first, Mark contemplates lying, but this is Donghyuck. Neither would he judge him, nor would he believe him if he lied, "Nope. Haven't even kissed anyone."

Donghyuck's eyes widen, "You never kissed anyone?!"

A few curious eyes fix on them and Mark lowers his head, pulling Donghyuck along, "Can you keep it down?"

"But Mark, how can that be?" To Mark's astonishment, Donghyuck seems genuinely surprised, "I mean, you're handsome and you're kind. A bit awkward, yeah, but that can be charming too."

There it is again. Donghyuck called him handsome. What does it mean, coming from him? God, Mark should just stop being stupid. Donghyuck can tell him he looks good, without wanting anything beyond friendship from him, he had said the exact same thing himself. Plus, it doesn't make him gay, to admit that Donghyuck is pretty either. Even though, he doesn't think he would ever have the courage to outright say it like that.

Trying not to let his inner struggle show, Mark shrugs, "It just hasn't happened yet."

"But you'd like it to?"

"I mean, sure." He doesn't even know what the conversation is about anymore, "With the right person."

Donghyuck stares at him in amazement, before breathing out: "With the right person." Then, with a dramatic cry he adds: "Mark Lee, you angel!"

He can't help but laugh at that. Isn't that a normal thing to wish for though? Having their first time, their first kiss, with someone you like? Maybe, Mark is old-fashioned. Taeyong didn't even have his first time with a girlfriend, just some random chick he knew. What if Donghyuck...

"Did you not have it with a person you liked?" he asks.

Donghyuck's eyes dim for a moment, but the light returns faster than a heartbeat, "I had my first kiss with some dude who was drunk. Fun story, actually he thought I was a girl at first." He cackles and Mark tries to smile along, "My first time... well, that's another story."

"Oh." That's all Mark's mind can come up with.

Donghyuck really doesn't seem to put a lot of weight on a first time and he wonders whether he maybe shouldn't either. Suddenly, he contemplates asking Taeyong about it. Taeyong is an expert on a lot of things and had always been helpful to Mark. He knows that Taeyong isn't the prime example of a romantic though and that makes him hesitate. Mark doesn't know if he counts as a romantic, with his experience equalling zero, but he would like to be one. The type that holds his girlfriend tight when she needs it and gifts her little things that remind him of her. Would Claire like something like that? Or would she think he is being stupid, if he tried?

"Either way, if you really plan to go to the next base with Claire, you got my support." Donghyuck nods to himself, "I mean I love that girl – no hetero – she deserves a sweet boy like you."

Scratching the back of his neck, Mark says: "Thank you."

Somehow it's a bit awkward to talk about this to Donghyuck. Especially, when he hadn't even thought about Claire that far. All he planned was hanging out with her sometime and getting to know her. God, if he says he wants to hang out, would she think he just wants to... have sex? Is that the code, he had never been introduced to? Why does everything have to be so complicated?

They go through class smoothly, passing tiny notes that comment on the teacher's funny accent. Donghyuck is a chill seat-neighbour and he actually pays more attention than Mark would have expected. Not that he thinks Donghyuck is dumb. He just never came off as the type of person who would care much about school and grades. Then again, he also hadn't seemed like the kind to be into Warcraft and Radiohead. Mark might have to stop trying to fit Donghyuck into a box; he is obviously too versatile for that.

Somewhere along the line yesterday evening comes back to him. He still wants to tell Donghyuck about his mom's secrets. Just to get it off his chest. It feels safe with Donghyuck, since he had put trust in him, by telling him about Lucas, he feels like he can do the same. Not now though, not in the middle of class. In his mind, he resolves to telling him once they are outside and on their own. This is not something he wants to travel around the student body after all. He finds there is no hurry though. As long as Donghyuck is there, with his silly jokes and bright smiles, Mark feels neither the emptiness nor his worries come too close. They are still very much there, but with Donghyuck close, they stay at bay.

Once their last class finally ends, Donghyuck stretches his whole body with a loud groan, "Freedom is calling. I can't believe it's just Monday. Can't the world turn a little faster?"

"Maybe, if we're convincing enough, the government will agree to counting friday as a free day as well. Then Thursday would be the new Friday."

Donghyuck nods, putting a finger to his chin, "I like the idea, but we need stricking arguments."

"How about the exponentially worsening mental state of the student body?" Mark suggests.

Snorting, Donghyuck throws an arm around his shoulders, "I'll take that."

They make their way out of the school building, Donghyuck's arm around Mark's shoulders and his hand ghosting along Donghyuck's waist. Honestly, he is looking forward to their cotton candy trip. He hasn't had any since he was a child, but he remembers it being one of the best things in the world. In addition to that, he wouldn't mind seeing Donghyuck burry his face in a pink cloud of sugar and get a sugar rush out of it.

As the two step through the entrance of the school, Donghyuck suddenly pulls away. Mark would be lying if he said he doesn't miss the proximity, but he is not going to comment on it. What confuses him though, is Donghyuck suddenly treating him like he was on fire. The boy has taken a distance of an arm length to him, something Mark realizes he usually never does. It doesn't take long for him to figure out why, though.

In the parking lot of their school, a sleek black car is parked. Donghyuck's nervous gaze is pinned right to the person leaning against it. Lucas is smoking a cigarette, with one of his hands in his leather jacket pocket. His eyes pick Donghyuck from the crowd, like he was calling him and he smirks when he sees the boy. Mark doesn't like that expression. It looks entirely too smug, too superior and the way it makes Donghyuck shrink in on himself is just disgusting.

"Hey Hyuck." Lucas says, pushing himself off his car. He doesn't even spare Mark a glance, "Come on, hop in. I got the afternoon free and I thought we could spend it together."

Donghyuck throws Mark a quick glance, before straightening a little, "Actually, Mark and I were going to-"

"Can't you do that tomorrow?" It's the first time Lucas is looking at him and Mark honest to god shivers under his gaze. He understands then, a fraction of what Donghyuck feels when Lucas looks at him. Obviously, this is not a question, but a demand. But the guy is a giant – all muscles and arrogance – if Mark were to step up, there is no doubt he could punch him into the parking lot-asphalt within a second.

"I-" When Donghyuck meets Mark's eye again, he sees the conflict in his eyes. Then, when it resolves, there is just remorse, "I guess. See you tomorrow Mark, I promise we'll catch up."

There are a million things he wants to say to Donghyuck then and a couple more that he wants to scream at Lucas, but he doesn't. He doesn't because he is scared. If he causes a scene now, someone is going to get hurt someway and it won't be Lucas. Funny enough, the only thing that scares Mark more than himself getting hurt, is Donghyuck suffering his consequences. So, he steps back and nods, watches Donghyuck slip into the passenger seat of the car. As Lucas drives them off, Donghyuck's gaze lingers on him, frightened, small and so guilty. Mark wants to tell him that he doesn't have to feel bad, that he understands, but the car is already out of the parking lot and so is Donghyuck.

Sighing deeply, Mark sits down on the pavement that surrounds the parking lot. Almost on auto-pilot, he pushes his hand into his coat pocket and pulls out the cigarette box he had stolen from Taeyong in the morning. He will buy him a new pack sometime, if he really wants it, but right now, Mark needs them more.

Letting the smoke drown out all his thoughts, he briefly closes his eyes. It's difficult not to worry about Donghyuck now, especially after what Mark knows is concealed under his makeup. How can Donghyuck look at Lucas like he hung the stars into the sky, after what he did? Just like on the beach... as soon as Lucas' eyes had been on him, his world had seemed free of darkness. Is that what it's like to be in love? Does Donghyuck love Lucas? Mark can't really think of any other reason to stay with an asshole like that.

What is he supposed to do now? With the prospect of hanging out with Donghyuck, he had hoped not to go home too soon again. Now, that plan is rained off, but he still doesn't want to go home yet. Just to avoid looking at his mom, with the knowledge that she still won't tell him the truth. 

Someone slumps down next to him and he almost drops his cigarette in his lap. Instead, the ashes that fall burn a small hole in his jeans. He is ready to curse at the person, when he sees Renjun's worried frown staring back at him.

"Does Taeyong know you're smoking?"

Clearing his throat, Mark looks away, "No."

"I'm just asking, because he was always the one who gave each of us a lecture about peer pressure." Renjun laughs softly.

Mark clenches his jaw. The last thing he needs right now is getting guilt-tripped about the only thing that calms him down nowadays, "Well he's not exactly a fucking role model either, is he?"

The silence that meets him then, is tense and he feels Renjun still looking at him. After some time, he finally speaks up again: "What's going on with you lately?"

Rolling his eyes, Mark takes another drag from his cigarette, "Nothing, Renjun."

"It's just..." he hears a soft exhale past the white noise of students around them, "You know you can always talk to us, right? To Chenle, Jisung and me. Whatever is on your mind, we'll listen. We're your friends, after all."

Suddenly, Mark feels his anger ebb away. Trust in Renjun to be empathetic to the bone. It's funny how someone, who seems to distant on the outside, can feel so deeply for others. He is being selfish and unreasonable and his friends don't deserve that. Should he tell Renjun? About everything? His mom, the emptiness, Donghyuck... he might be able to understand. His eyes finally travel to his friend, looking into his big, youthful eyes. Somehow, Mark can't shake the feeling that there is a wall between them. Renjun is so pure, so unspoiled, so complete, still. He doesn't want to destroy that, just because of his worries.

"Thanks, man." he says softly, hoping that Renjun hears the sincerity in his voice, "I appreciate it, really. There's just... been a lot on my mind."

He fears Renjun might talk back, try to dig deeper until he looses his cool again, but his friend only musters him in silence. Then, a gentle smile curls his lips and he rubs Mark's shoulder. It's a little awkward, but he knows it's the best he could ever wish for from Renjun.

"Weren't you going to go get cotton candy with Donghyuck?" he asks.

Mark feels his heart sink again and gnaws on the cigarette, "Yeah, didn't work out, he got caught up in something."

"That's too bad", Renjun mumbles, watching a couple of students pass by with shared laughter, "I bet it would have helped."

"What do you mean?"

Softly smiling to himself, Renjun says: "Well, whatever has been going on with you lately, it's getting better, when Donghyuck's around."

The words set off another wave of thoughts in Mark's mind. He doesn't really want to think about a single one of them, so he pinches his wrist slightly, to concentrate on something else. It works well enough, for his eyes to travel the parking lot with an empty head. His attention catches onto a long wave of ginger hair and without thinking twice, he stubs his cigarette out on the pavement.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Renjun."

With confused eyes, Renjun watches him jump to his feet and gives a meek: "Okay, sure."

He doesn't spare Renjun another glance and instead breaks into a hurried jog, until he finally manages to catch up, "Claire!"

She turns her head in surprise and breaks out into a wild smile, as she spots Mark. Next to her, he also sees Gaon and YangYang, the boy's arm loose around her waist. Once he finally catches up to her, he manages a panting smile.

"I thought calling is lame and... well, uh- What are you up to?"

Laughing, Claire covers her mouth with a palm, "We were just going to take the bus home, why?"

"Do you, I mean, maybe want to hang out? Like, now?" He knows he is definitely not the smoothest, just judging from how YangYang and Gaon barely seem able to contain their laughter. But he is proud he even got out that whole sentence, with the message it was meant to have. So, with a hand scratching at his neck, he waits.

"You guys go ahead, I just got busy." Claire suddenly says to the other two. They laugh at her and even though she joins in, there is a bit more colour to her cheeks than before. Waving YangYang and Gaon goodbye, Claire turns back to him, "Sounds great. What did you have in mind?"

Oh, crap, "Uhm, actually, I didn't even think I'd get this far."

"You don't give yourself enough credit, sweetheart." Her hand slips into his, warm and simple, pulling him along, "Good for you I'm always entertaining."

They end up taking the bus anyways, Claire telling him about how cute she finds YangYang and Gaon together. Mark hadn't really paid much attention to them, but the more he thinks about it, the more obvious it becomes that there is something between them. He agrees with her, despite not knowing what it would look like if they didn't fit together. Maybe, it's less about what they look like, than their chemistry. In that case, he can confidently say that he doesn't think Lucas and Donghyuck fit well together. Of course, he doesn't say that out loud.

After three stops, they exit the bus and walk a little. There are still clouds above and it doesn't take long, until Mark feels the first, lonely raindrop hit his nose. Claire's eyes go wide and she stretches her hand out to check, more and more drops of water coming to land on her palm. Within seconds, the singular drops have brought an army of their own, turning the world into a blur of rain. Instinctively, Mark brushes off his jacket and throws it over Claire's head, in an attempt to shield her. She giggles and holds onto him, as they hurry through the rain.

Finally, they stop in front of a single family house with a red roof and butter-yellow walls. Claire fumbles for her keys quickly and lets them inside. Huffing, Mark shakes his head to get the water out of his hair, but it doesn't do much more than get everything else wet. His jacket, still on Claire's shoulders is soaked as well, but he happily notices that her hair and face seem to still be relatively dry.

"Damn, that was something." She chuckles, clinging onto the jacket, "Thanks for lending me your jacket, that was very cute. You get boyfriend-points for that."

Mark coughs, when he chokes on his spit, "I get what?"

"You know, when someone is 'boyfriend-material'?" When she says that, Claire makes a pair of quotation marks with her fingers, "Basically, when they radiate the kind of energy, you'd want in a boyfriend. And you just got points for that."

He hopes Claire can't see the flush he feels in his cheeks then, "Oh. I see."

They toe off their shoes and Claire shows him around her house. It's smaller than Mark's, but cozy nonetheless. There is only one floor and Claire's room is all the way in the back of a small corridor. Kitchen and living room are in one room, then there is a bedroom for Claire's parents and a bathroom with extra toilet.

"My dad doesn't come home until late, since he works pretty far out of town. He's a doctor." She explains, while leading Mark into her room.

"What about your mom?"

With a meek smile Claire shrugs, "She died when I was really young."

He feels very stupid, then, "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't be. It's been a long time and my dad and I get along really well." She grins, "Although it's awfully nice to have some company in the afternoon for once."

Smiling shyly, Mark scratches the back of his neck and allows his gaze to wander around Claire's room. It has the same cozy energy as the rest of the house. There is one big bed that takes up most of the space, covered in plushies and hundreds of blankets and pillows. In the corner, a slim desk has been fitted, exactly beside the window, everything on top of it neat and organized. Along the walls, barely any of the paint still peaks through all the things she had hung up. Photographs and polaroids of her friends and family, posters of bands Mark hasn't heard about and cut-outs of fashion magazines. The ceiling is almost covered entirely in fluorescent stars.

Closest to her bed, Mark finds a couple of familiar faces in the frames of the photographs. One shows Jaemin, obviously hungover, drinking from a baby bottle that seems to be filled with orange juice. Another has Jinseon pose coyly on top of a tree trunk, in the middle of a forrest. Then, there is one of Claire, smiling like she had never experienced a better moment in her life and wrapped around her waist, the arms of an equally bright Donghyuck. Mark doesn't want to admit it to himself, but his eyes catch on the boy's smile for a moment longer than anything else. He seems so carefree – none of the heaviness or dark memories Mark occasionally sees in his eyes reflecting in the photograph.

"That was on New Year's." Claire remarks, having noticed Mark's stare linger, "I felt like shit, because it was my mom's death day just a week prior and my boyfriend broke up with me that night." She takes a deep breath, eyes going soft and the memory, "But Donghyuck made it all better. He promised me to always be there and that I was never on my own. God, he made me laugh my heart out. On top of that, he also had my dumb ex covered in cold leftover grease from the Hot-dog stand Jaemin works at part-time."

"Sounds like he deserved it." Mark raises a brow at her, finally managing to rip his eyes away from the picture.

Claire hums, then she laughs and nods to herself, "He definitely did. Didn't have as many boyfriend points as you do, by far."

"I better keep up the good streak, then." he manages to say, only wavering slightly in his words. When Claire pulls at his sleeve, he ignores his nerves and sits down on the bed, next to her, "I'm glad Donghyuck was there with you. You deserve someone to support you."

She smiles, eyes falling down to her hands. When she takes Mark's in his, the sensation is warm and comfortable, "I'm happy you think that. I just... wish he wouldn't wear himself out like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Donghyuck is a kind person." Claire mumbles, her eyes travelling back to the photograph, "Too kind, sometimes. He always wants to make everyone happy, I think he forgets about himself a lot."

Mark doesn't find that hard to believe, if he thinks about it. Just from how secure Donghyuck makes everyone feel and how he looks at his friends. If Donghyuck doesn't look out for himself, someone else will have to and Mark knows it's not going to be Lucas. Taking a deep breath, he makes himself a promise, but he doesn't think about the nature of that promise too long.

"Anyways, now that you're here, I finally have an excuse to unpack this." Claire grins like cheshire cat and reaches for a box near her bedside. Mark frowns at the box in question, when she opens it and inside, he finds a bundle of what looks like dried moss, "It's a waste if I smoke it on my own, but together, it could be more fun."

Mark tilts his head, "You... want to smoke a cigarette?"

She looks at him, first in surprise and then in amusement, "No, silly. I wanted to share a joint."

"Oh." Mark says, "Yeah, sure. Knew that."

"Mhm." Claire hums and laughs, before collecting a loose pape.

Feeling a nervous tingle in his fingertips, Mark watches her roll the joint together with expert fingers. She stuffs it with a fair amount of the dried moss and some tabacco. When her tongue darts out, to lick the edge of the paper, he feels his throat go a little dry. For the first time, he really realizes that it's no one but them. No one is around, they're on their own in this tiny room, somewhere Mark didn't bother to remember. He doesn't know how to feel about that, only feels how he grows steadily more nervous. Is this excitement or fear? Can it be a mixture of both?

"You ever done this before?" She asks.

Should he lie? How lame would it be to say no? On the other hand, what if he says yes and something bad happens, because he doesn't know better... "N-no."

"That's okay, I'll make it a little easier for you." With a lighter from her pocket, Claire lights the joint, as she sucks at it, "The first breaths are always tough, you gotta figure out how it works first. But there's something else we can do, so you don't have to take a drag."

Eyeing the wicked, smoking thing, Mark says: "Okay?"

"Come on, let's get more comfortable." Pushing the plushies and blankets out of the way, she sits in the middle of the bed. While the joint smokes into the room, spreading a recognisable smell, Claire tugs at him, until he sits opposite from her, "Now, don't get scared, okay?"

Before Mark can question what he is supposed to not get scared of, Claire is suddenly incredibly close. Her breath hits his cheek and as she breathes out, he automatically sucks in a breath of his own. The soft sting of smoke makes it past his throat and his vision goes a little blurry. It's slightly more intense than the smoke of a cigarette, but somehow the sudden lightness in his head has something to it. Humming, he watches Claire take a drag from the joint without any struggle at all.

"That's called shot-gunning. When I had my first joint, Donghyuck did it for me, I remember it helped." She explains.

Mark tries to imagine the two of them at the same distance he had been with Claire just seconds ago. It doesn't quite work out. Instead of Claire's long, ginger hair, he can only concentrate on Donghyuck, leaning in close and breathing out a hot load of smoke.

Shaking his head rapidly, Mark fixes Claire with a gaze. He has to stop thinking like this. It's not normal, the way his thoughts seem tangled in Donghyuck, whatever comes to his mind. The amount he thinks about him is not normal either. Whatever that means, Mark doesn't want it. He doesn't need it, he can't allow it to himself. Mark isn't Donghyuck, he isn't Lucas, he isn't the girl in his old school that got bullied. No, Mark is not supposed to be any of that. He is normal, like YangYang and Gaon, like Jaemin and Taeyong. Like Claire.

So, he takes a deep breath and says: "Let's do it again."

She laughs at him, but complies, filling her mouth with smoke, before she shuffles to get closer. His mind is fuzzy around the edges, shuffling his thoughts into an order he can't make sense of. As soon as her hair strokes his forearms, he brings a hand up to cup her neck. It seems to take her aback, as she exhales too early, but Mark ignores the thudding of his heart and connects their gazes, with more confidence than he ever thought he could have. When he is sure she won't pull away, he leans in and kisses her.

From the instant pressure against his lips, he can tell Claire had anticipated this. It fuels him with more fire, to self-destruct, to light up his desire, to make a bigger mess of the feelings in his chest. Threading his fingers into her hair, he kisses her like he has seen the guys do in the movies. Like he has seen Taeyong do to his girlfriends. If Claire notices that he has no idea what he is doing, she doesn't comment on it, only kisses back eagerly.

Once their air runs out, Mark pulls away, chest rising and falling rapidly. Claire doesn't give him a break, she climbs in his lap and pushes the joint to his lips this time. He doesn't cough when he takes a drag, inhales it deeply and keeps it there until his chest starts to sting. While Claire takes her own drag, his eyes make the mistake on catching on that damn photograph again. It seems to mock him, to remind him that 'you're wrong, you're wrong'. Without Claire noticing, Mark shoves a big, round plushie in front of the photograph, covering those bright eyes from his vision.

He doesn't accept the fact that he is scared – denies it even. The emptiness inside of him clings to every part of his body and makes him feel dirty, wrong and cold. So, he smokes it away, he kisses it away, he does everything to drown it all out. The emptiness, the worries and the absolutely disgusting way, his heart clings to Donghyuck's memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god u guysss!! I started going to university since yesterday and I´m already so pumped to be there! Everyone seems very friendly and enthusiastic, so I´m really looking forward to it hehe :') Drawing has never been as much fun as it is at the moment! 
> 
> Also, how did you like Tiger inside?? I thought it was super amazing TUT Baekyong killed me as per usual, but Mark´s mullet gave me a wild time, too haha! 
> 
> How do you like the story so far? I know everything is very angsty and Mark is an idiot, but that´s how I was at that age ceurfhieurh Philocalist is coming along nicely, even though I´ve been facing a bit of a writer´s block :'( 
> 
> I´ve also bought the good omens book, finally!! I really wanted to read it, before I watch the series (the soundtrack is incredible, you should check it out!!), but first I have to finish reading 'Red Queen',hehe! What are you currently reading? (ff/book/graphic novel/comic/manga, don´t matter!) :3 
> 
> I love u guys so much, please take care! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! It´s been way too long, I completely forgot to update :'D So here is a slightly longer chapter than usual!

It goes like this every day for the following week. Donghyuck barely shows up to school, so they never catch up on their cotton candy plans and Mark instead, spends his time with Claire. He has learned to recognize and hate those worried looks Renjun still keeps sending him. Even after Mark had assured nothing was wrong, he still doubts. Can't he just believe him? Whatever, he doesn't need this.

It's nice with Claire. They don't do a lot, sometimes they watch a movie, or smoke again, or just talk in between kissing some more. Claire has a lot to talk about and Mark is trying his best to always listen carefully, even though his mind trails off more often than not. Whenever he tries to say something, she will listen for a second and then drown him out with more talking again. He has learned to accept that and spends hours listening to topics, he never even thought about.

On friday, he still hasn't told anyone about his mom. Neither has he talked TO his mom; always coming home and going straight upstairs, after spending his day with Claire. Taeyong seems to have picked up on his behaviour as well, because every evening, there is that same, gentle knock on his door, which he ignores. Today marks the first day since Monday, which he doesn't spend with Claire. She mentioned something about her Dad being home and them wanting to spend some time together. Mark of course, had wished her a lot of fun and left, after giving her a strictly demanded kiss.

He has no idea what they are at this point and he doesn't really care to ask either. All he has to know is that he likes Claire – she is sweet, a very talented fashion designer, as he learns and she likes him, too. Being with her makes him feel less weird, less abnormal. That's more than enough reason to stay, isn't it?

The weather has been bad all week but now, the clouds seem to finally break and let a bit of sunshine pass. In front of his house, Mark stops and stares at their front door. He should have asked if he could hang out with Renjun or Chenle or Jisung. Even if they end up having more unwanted discussions, it beats going in there, to his traitor mom. Maybe, he sounds childish, but this intense anger still hasn't loosened the fingers around his heart.

A movement out of the corner of his sight catches his attention. There is a big pantechnicon parked in front of the neighbour's house again. Between parked cars, Mrs. Lee is in the middle of hoisting a big box out of the back of the vehicle. It looks way too heavy for her tiny frame and she shakes a little, to keep her balance.

"Let me help you!" he shouts across the street and runs over, to take the box from her.

She gives him a blinding smile, shaped the same way as Donghyuck's, "Mark! Thank you dear, so nice of you. Would you mind just taking that into the kitchen?"

Nodding eagerly, Mark carries the box inside, happy to have found something to occupy himself with. It's the first time he actually walks into Donghyuck's home. He had seen it last saturday, when they had met for the first time, but only a glimpse of the entrance. Inside, it's absolutely beautiful. Mrs. Lee has managed to decorate everything in a united mood and still make it look like someone actually lived in the place. There are framed photos all over the place and Mark finds more than one of a toddler that looks exactly like Donghyuck. As he sets the box on the kitchen counter, another figure emerges from another room.

Donghyuck's dad looks a lot less like him, than his mother does, but they do have a very similar pair of eyes and the same round jaw. Seeing Mark, he seems a little taken aback and Mark realizes, it's because they haven't met yet. In theory, there is a random stranger standing in Mr. Lee's kitchen, with one of their boxes in his arms.

He hurries to stretch a hand out to him, "Hello, sir. I'm Mark. Your neighbour and Donghyuck's, uh- friend."

Mr. Lee's face lights up with understanding and he shakes Mark's hand with a smile, "Ah, good to finally meet you, son. Donghyuck's told us a lot about you."

He has? Mark bites on his cheek, to ignore the excited flutter in his chest, "He talks about you too, it's really nice to finally meet you." 

Somewhere in the distance, Mark hears a yelled version of his name and Donghyuck's dad says: "Better go catch up, that woman has one hell of a tempo."

Laughing, Mark nods his head and hurries to go get another box. For the better part of the afternoon, he helps his neighbours with moving and unpacking the boxes, sorting and arranging the contents. By half past five, Mrs. Lee finally calls it a day and hands him an ice-cold glass of orange juice and a box of convenience-store cookies. He is exhausted and sweaty, but at least it feels like he has done something productive with his day.

"Donghyuck texted he'd be home in a couple of minutes." Mrs. Lee suddenly remarks across the kitchen counter, "If you want, you can wait upstairs, in his room. I bet it would be a fun surprise."

"I don't think–..." But why not? Mark is with Claire now, there is no reason for him to hold himself back from seeing Donghyuck. He just had to make sure his heart wouldn't do anything stupid first, but now he is safe, right? "That sounds like a nice idea. Thanks a lot for the cookies, Mrs. Lee."

She smiles and winks at him, as he ascends up the narrow spiral staircase that leads upstairs. It takes him a couple of tries to find Donghyuck's room, but after opening doors on an empty office, the parent's bedroom and a bathroom, he finally hits the jackpot. 

If he hadn't seen Donghyuck's room through his window before, he wouldn't quite believe it's his. Everything is so... soft. The walls are painted a gentle pastel yellow and there are more pink items in the room than Mark can count. Pillows, plushies, messily strewn clothing, decorative statues. Even Donghyuck's desk is pastel pink. It's not a very large room, but a miraculous one. Where the bed is to one side and the desk to the other, two walls of the room consist of white-framed windows and their sills stretch far enough into the room to work as a long bench. They almost build a sort of pavilion, with a nice view out onto their street. The sun streams in and Mark can definitely see his own room from here.

Then, there are the bookshelves. In his life, Mark thinks he has only ever seen that many books in the local library or the school library. There must be well over a hundred books, neatly organised on simple plank-shelves. Books on feminism, racism and media, science fiction, fantasy, slice of life and then, a whole shelf with books about the LGBTQ community. Mark is not completely dense, of course he knows the term, he just hadn't ever engaged in it or done research. He had no idea that there were so many books on the topic, but there they are: Fiction, non-fiction even biographies. The first thought that comes to his mind is that Donghyuck must be very smart, if he reads that much.

His fingers trail over the worn volumes, catching onto a rather slim one that almost disappears between the others. 'What belongs to you' sticks out in gentle letters from the shadow in its gap. He pulls at it on autopilot and reads the back of it, feeling his chest clench. Shame... Longing... A love that blooms despite all possibilities.

He's just about to put it back with a tornado in his ribcage, when a voice makes him jump: "That one's one of my favourites, actually." Mark's wide eyes trail over to Donghyuck, who stands, leaning against his doorway. His legs are clad in pants, which have been cut off, just above the knee and a big, white shirt with a fried egg print wraps around his torso. It's so huge, it almost falls off his shoulder. "My mom gave it to me for my 17th birthday." he says, "It helped me... figure things out, I guess. I think she knew before I did." softly, he laughs to himself.

Mark musters the book once more. Suddenly, he feels a little less repulsed about it, so he pushes it back in place a lot more gentle than he initially would have. Meanwhile Donghyuck closes the door behind himself and walks into the room, plopping down on a windowsill. Mark stands there awkwardly, until Donghyuck pats the space next to him. As if on autopilot, he takes the offered seat, his shoulder brushing Donghyuck's like a ghost.

"I'm sorry I ditched you." Donghyuck mutters, his gaze downcast on the hands in his lap, "I felt like crap about it all week."

"It's okay."

"Just, whenever Lucas is there and he..."

Mark knows that Donghyuck won't be able to finish the sentence, before Donghyuck does, so he says: "It's honestly fine. I get it, I really do. I'm not mad, I never was."

Donghyuck's eyes grow soft, as he looks at Mark. He feels like he knows those eyes by now, yet they always take him aback when he sees them. A photograph can't compare to the warmth inside of them or the brilliant brown colour they have under something so trivial as a bedroom lamp. Just then, he is too distracted to hate himself a little more for his feelings.

Inhaling deeply, Donghyuck charms a smile back on his face, "So how do you like my kingdom?" His arms gesture around the room.

"It's not quite what I had expected, but", Mark can't help the tugging at the corners of his lips, "Everything is very fitting."

"Not what you expected, huh? Yet, you have seen it before." If there wasn't an amused grin on his face, Mark would almost think he's genuinely resentful.

Ignoring the embarrassment that heats up his ears, Mark looks away, "You'll never let me live this down, will you?"

"It was too funny to pass up." Donghyuck giggles, "Especially, considering we're friends now. I mean what an unconventional first meeting."

The knowledge that Donghyuck thinks of them as friends does something to him. It reminds him of that inner peace he had felt that night in Donghyuck's Impala. There had been the sky, the road and them and it had been enough. Right now, it's almost the same, except there is still that nagging disgust lingering in the corner of his mind. Of course, he is happy about a new friend, he barely ever gets those. But, this happy? Sure, Donghyuck is a special person. But, this special? With more force than necessary, he scratches the inside of his arm, stopping himself from spiralling down his train of thoughts.

"I can be completely myself here." Donghyuck muses, reaching for a plushie that sits at the window sill. It's a little duck, with an unamused, but cute face. Mark thinks that Donghyuck would look cute cuddling it to his chest, before he falls asleep and then, he doesn't think anything at all. "Usually, I don't invite friends over, because I'm pretty sure all of this would give me away. If not the plushies or the colour choices, the mountains of queer literature." He laughs softly to himself, picking at the duck's floppy arms.

Finally, Mark sees an opening to ask the very question he had harboured in his mind forever; "Then why me?"

He knows Donghyuck gets it. It's not about letting him off, after Mark peaked into his room that day. Neither, is it really about allowing him in here, because at this point, there is nothing to give away anymore. Mark _knows_ and that's what's bugging him.

Sighing deeply, Donghyuck puts the plushie aside and looks at him, "I don't really know. Back then, when I told you, it wasn't really... planned. You were just there and it felt... so easy, you know?" Mark tilts his head in question, "I knew you were awkward and panicked as hell, so I honestly thought you'd just be too scared to tell anyone. And it felt good – Telling someone that wasn't my parents. I thought I might regret telling you at some point, but I don't."

It's relieving to hear and Mark feels his shoulders relax, "No?"

"No, because it turns out you're actually a decent human being." Donghyuck laughs. The sun outside has started to set some time ago and there is an orange glow around all of his soft edges now, "To know I could tell you and you never hurt me because of it... that gave me strength."

When Donghyuck's shoulder leans more into his, Mark allows himself to stay where he is, just this once, "It doesn't define you, Hyuck. You're an amazing person."

Even as Donghyuck's hand slips into his and squeezes in grattitude, Mark doesn't pull away. If Donghyuck wants to, he can untangle them, but he finds his body won't respond to anything he tells it, "I want to tell my friends, I really do. Trust me, the fact that only my parents knew for the better part of my life isn't a big win. I'm happy beyond words that they're supportive of me, but the only place I can ever be myself is at home or with you."

Mark's heart jumps at that. If he didn't know better, he would think he could levitate away any second. God, how bad he wants Donghyuck to feel comfortable around him, it's almost sad. There is no other person's comfort that he cares about as much. Not even his friends are able to wriggle their hand past his ribcage and hold his heart like this. Ants start to wander around his arms, trailing up and up and up, until they settle in the back of his neck and blow the emptiness back into him. Not even Donghyuck can keep it out, because he is not in here with Mark, inside his mind. When he feels his eyes sting and the first tear spring free, Mark quickly pulls Donghyuck into a hug. He doesn't want him to see the darkness that oozes out of him. He doesn't want anyone to see it.

"You can tell them once you're ready and take all the time you need." He murmurs, as Donghyuck leans into his hug. Finally, he closes his arms around Mark's waist in an equally tight hold, "Meanwhile, your secret is safe with me."

\--*--

"A party, really?" Taeyong leans against his doorway with his arms crossed. Today, he is only clad in joggers and a shirt, his hair falling into his face. The sight is so unusual that Mark doesn't recognize him for a second. He really hasn't spent a lot of time at home lately, has he?

Discarding another shirt he had thought would be cool enough to wear, Mark goes back to digging through his wardrobe, "Can you not sound so surprised, please?"

"Sorry." Taeyong laughs, the familiar kitten smile on his lips, "I forgot you're the wildest party-animal I know."

"Donghyuck invited us, okay? He gets around in a different social circle than us." Mark shrugs, pulling on a red polo, just to pull it off again right after.

His big brother almost doubles over with laughter, "So he invited the rest of the nerd-gang, too?"

"Can you not call them that?" Mark whines, throwing the Polo back into his closet. This is futile.

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're taking this seriously." Taeyong throws his hands up in defense, then rakes his eyes over Mark in thought, "Give me a second."

Mark watches him go, slipping into his own room. With a heavy sigh, he musters the piles of clothing, spread across his bed and floor. Honestly, he had forgotten how many clothes he owns, but suddenly nothing he has seems to be fitting. Of course, that's definitely the result of a combination of never caring much about fashion and having no social life apart from Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. Until now that had never been a problem. But, standing in front of a monotone ray of nothing but black and white shirts and a couple of polos, he realizes his misery for the first time.

Just when he decides to give his black batman T-shirt a chance, Taeyong comes back through the door with a piece of fabric in his hand, "Try that."

After literally throwing the shirt in Mark's face, Taeyong jumps on top of his bed and gets comfortable. He seems to gain an odd amount of satisfaction out of watching his little brother struggle like this. Or maybe, he just feels good about being helpful for once, Mark thinks. There is no mocking in his brother's expression anymore, only amusement and warmth, as is normal for a family-member. Perhaps, he had been a bit strict with Taeyong.

It's just hard sometimes. When they were younger, Mark had been glued to Taeyong's side wherever he went and that was perfectly fine for both of them. Taeyong was his protector and Mark, someone that looked up to him. Then, once Taeyong got into high school, hit puberty and became every girl's wet dream that just stopped. Suddenly, Mark wasn't his little bro anymore, he was just Mark, his exhausting, clingy brother that demanded too much attention and wasn't cool enough to hang around Taeyong's new friends. Of course, he would never say anything of the sort to Taeyong, but that's only because Mark doesn't have the bravery to confront him about it. It will sound whiny and spoiled, as soon as he would voice it, so what's the use?

"Uh-uh that's something that YOU wear." Mark says, eyeing the shirt. It's an old bandshirt, which Taeyong had modified, by ripping some holes into the sleeves and near the collar. The seams are ripped messily as well and there are three rings, pierced through the fabric at the waist. 

"Try not to say that with so much disgust in your voice, hm?" Taeyong gives him a pointed look, "It's one of my favourites. Girls dig it and you have the waist for it. I think it'll work."

Just because he wants to tease his brother some more, he says: "Won't it make me look like a twink?"

With a barely concealed laugh, Taeyong scoffs and throws a pillow at Mark's face, "Just try it on, you asshole."

"Okay, okay."

Quickly, he discards his sleeping shirt and pulls Taeyong's top over his head. It's soft and worn and his brother's cologne still clings to it, but it's comfortable at least. He knows, usually his brother likes to wear clothes so tight, they leave imprints on his skin. But this one is loose and falls of his shoulders in a coaxing manner. As he looks into his mirror, Mark is almost reluctant to admit it. He looks good. Taeyong wasn't wrong when he said he had the waist for it, he doesn't even feel bad about showing it off. The longer he stares at the fit and the way his skin peaks through the holes in the sleeves, the less objected he feels to not wearing a shirt underneath.

"It's not bad, I guess." he mutters, tugging at the shirt.

"Not bad, he says." Taeyong falls on his back with a dramatic whine, "What a brat!"

Laughing to himself, Mark says, "So what else?" Before he can think about it.

Somehow it hurts his heart, how happy Taeyong looks that he asked for his opinion. He had always given Taeyong the fault for them growing apart, but Mark had never considered how much of the pushing he might have done himself. Maybe, his brother misses him as much as he does. The thought is oddly comforting and he can't help but smile, as Taeyong jumps from his bed and digs through Marks closet. Should he maybe tell him about their mom? About the secret he has been carrying around, heavy as a rock?

"Those fit you really well and they'll go with the shirt." Taeyong hands him his worn, grey jeans. Then, he disappears back into his room, rummaging around audibly.

While he is gone, Mark pulls his jeans on and his phone vibrates on his nightstand. As he picks it up, there is a message from Donghyuck and one from Renjun. He opens Renjun's first, his friend telling him that him, Chenle and Jisung will be at his house in fifteen minutes. Mark sends a quick okay, before opening Donghyuck's text:

Hyuck: You coming over before the party? The others can come too.

Almost out of habit, Mark's eyes flitter out of the window to Donghyuck's room. It's empty, so he assumes the boy is somewhere else in the house. He thinks about it carefully, remembers the evening before and what they had talked about.

You: Are you sure you want to let them in your room?

You: Just, because

You: You know

It takes Donghyuck only a few seconds to respond, as if he had known Mark would ask him this:

Hyuck: It's ok. I don't mind them seeing it

Hyuck: I'm not gonna tell them myself, but the world won't end if they figure it out

Hyuck: right?

You: right

When Taeyong comes back into his room, he clicks his phone off again. His brother has a collection of jewellery in his hands, all pieces carefully fitted together. Like a christmas tree, Mark lets him decorate his body with rings, necklaces and even a chain that goes with his pants. He even allows Taeyong to style his hair back, out of his face and once Taeyong steps back to look at his work, he looks deceivingly like a child on his birthday. When Mark looks in the mirror he chokes in surprise.

Truth be told, he had expected to look like a copy of his brother and hadn't known how to feel about that. But this isn't Taeyong, neither is it really Mark. Or well– it is Mark, but an upgraded version. He feels oddly good in these clothes, his self-esteem suddenly going up a notch. Who would have thought his big brother of all people would help him to feel this comfortable in his skin.

"Good, eh?" Taeyong smirks, placing his chin on Mark's shoulder and looking at him through the mirror.

Mark manages a half-smile, too distracted with what he's seeing, "Yeah..."

"Now", Taeyong grabs his shoulders and turns him around, until they're face to face. Like a top-notch stylist, he tugs at Mark's clothes and fusses over his hair as he talks: "Most important rules to first-time partying, which are mainly tips I wish someone had told me: Number one; Eat something before you drink, otherwise you'll get tipsy faster than you want to."

"I wasn't planning on drinking." Mark lies.

Taeyong lifts a brow at him and gives him that 'you think you can lie to a dude that was stuck with you your entire life?'-look, "Anyways, the sweeter it is, the more careful you have to be, or you drink and drink and don't even notice how much alcohol you have in your blood until you try to get up. Second: If you get a stain on my shirt I'm going to murder you."

"Things you wish someone had told you, hm?" Mark huffs.

Taeyong's face morphs into something more gentle, "I'd be lying if I didn't wish sometimes that I was the younger one, you know?" Before Mark can question him about that statement, he's already carrying on: "Third: Keep condoms on you, you can't assume that every girl has one prepared. If you don't know where to get any, I still have some." Mark's face has morphed into a disturbed, wide-eyed expression while Taeyong kept talking, "Don't look at me like that, I'm just looking out for you. Now, fourth and most important..."

He stops for a moment, his eyes trained on the chain around Mark's neck. For the slimmest moment, his expression darkens and the curled smile falters. There is a rawer version of his brother standing in front of him. A version, he is ashamed to admit, he has never seen before. Taeyong seems far off, with his thoughts in a different time and space. Mark takes a hold of one of the hands that have been frozen on his shoulder and Taeyong's sad eyes look up at him.

His shoulders drop with a heavy sigh and he finally sighs: "Promise me, you'll not let yourself be pressured into anything, okay? Whatever it is. If you don't feel like doing it, don't fucking do it, you hear me?"

With how serious he is, Taeyong is almost scary. Mark knows that his big brother is disciplined and strict with himself, but he had never seen that attitude directed towards him. Much less heard him curse.

 _Tips I wish someone had told me..._ How many regrets does Taeyong really have? How many does he hide beneath his perfect styling and charming attitude? 

"I promise." He breathes out, his brows furrowed with worry.

He can see Taeyong's internal fight, as he manages to bring the lightness and warmth back onto his face, "Very good, young student. I have complete faith in you. You're a Lee, after all."

Mark fights his own smile back on his lips, for Taeyong's sake, "Thanks for helping me out."

"Always bro." It's not hard to see that Taeyong keeps himself from ruffling Mark's hair, just to not ruin the styling. However, he does put a hand on Mark's shoulder and squeezes softly, before turning away, to leave.

Mark watches him leave and it just tumbles out of him: "Taeyong?"

His brother turns around again, brows raised, "Hm?"

Tell him. This is your chance, tell him. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay...?" Taeyong's caution is visible in his furrowed brows.

"I think mom is-"

Suddenly, he is interrupted by Jessie J's Masterpiece and Taeyong's hands scramble, to dig his own phone out of his pocket. He glances at the caller ID and Mark sees him bite his lip. Must be one of his girls, if he reacts like this. Mark already knows to loose his hope then, because once Taeyong gets on the phone with his girlfriends, there is no talking anymore. Suddenly, he is back to being the annoying little brother.

"It's Taeil. Uh..." Taeyong shuffles in his spot. It's so odd to see him like this – almost funny actually – the last time Mark had seen him in a similar state was when he had stood on stage after his first ever performance. Flustered, but so, so happy. "I- I'm sorry Mark, can we talk later?"

All of it takes him so aback, Mark doesn't even remember to be angry, "Yeah, no problem. I gotta go anyways."

"Okay thanks." Taeyong is just about to hurry out of the room, when he thinks better of it and looks at Mark once more, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"There is nothing you wouldn't do." Mark reminds him, gathering a jacket from his closet.

"Pretend I'm not me, then." Taeyong laughs to himself and finally disappears into his room. Faintly, Mark hears him mumble a soft 'hey' into the phone. The rest of the conversation happens in hushed voices. 

With a huff, Mark grabs his keys from his desk and shoves them in his jacket, adding his phone as well. Then, he hurries down the stairs. There is the sound of shuffling in the kitchen and he already slows down to be able to sneak past it unseen.

"Mark? Are you leaving?"

Closing his eyes briefly, Mark turns on his heel, "Yep. Got invited to a birthday party."

"Oh, Renjun's?"

"No, Mom." Mark leans against the wall in the entrance hall, as he shoves his feet into his sneakers, "That was in March."

Footsteps cross the kitchen and his mom's face appears in the kitchen-doorway. For a moment, Mark feels lost. He hadn't faced her in so long, the time apart seems to highlight the exhaustion in her eyes and the shadows under her eyes. She must have been working overtime, to keep her secret safe. Little did she know she can't hide everything from her son. Mark averts his eyes down to the ground.

"Chenle, then?"

"Chenle's is in November." Mark says, "You don't know him, we met through Donghyuck."

His mom's eyes soften, "Ah, I see! So sweet of him, to introduce you to his friends."

"Yeah." He clears his throat, trying to work the tension out of his system, "I'll get going then. I'll be home by one."

"Sounds good. Keep an eye on your phone." She says, hesitant, "And don't drink too much."

Instead of answering, Mark gives a featureless hum and shoulders the door open. It's warm again, but the clouds above make the evening sky darker than it should be this early into the evening. With a swift couple of steps, he crosses the road and climbs the steps to Donghyuck's door. There, he rings the doorbell and waits, until Mrs. Lee's friendly smile appears in front of him.

"Hey there, Donghyuck is upstairs. Are you going to Jeno's birthday party as well?" she asks.

Nodding, Mark feels his lips stretch into a genuine smile, "Yeah, I was allowed to join."

"Not surprising." She assures and lets him into the house, "Jeno is a sweetheart. It's a miracle he doesn't have a boy- or girlfriend yet."

His chest becomes warm with happiness at her choice of words. She really seems to be supportive of Donghyuck, to an extend where she gives everyone the chance to be comfortable. There is no assuming, no judging. It's how it should be and Mark finds himself wondering, why it isn't like this outside of this house.

Thanking her quickly, he runs up the stairs to Donghyuck's room, taking two steps at a time. The door is already open, when Mark slips inside, so he doesn't bother knocking. Except, he wishes he had, because Donghyuck is not wearing a shirt. He is looking at a couple of shirts, laid out on his bed with a thoughtful pout on his lips. Mark's eyes linger on his chest for a second too long and he feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Donghyuck's skin is so smooth. Almost like a girl's. Shaking his head, he squeaks out an apology.

Donghyuck's eyes come up to look at him and he snorts, "Calm down Markie, this isn't anything you've never seen before."

"I knew you'd never let me live it down." Mark sighs, still averting his eyes, as he sits down on Donghyuck's desk chair.

"You look like a total snack, by the way." Donghyuck remarks and Mark feels the heat in his face grow worse. He knows Donghyuck only means it as a bro-compliment, but his stupid heart twists and turns it around into something completely different. "Didn't know you own clothes like that."

"It's Taeyong's."

Nodding to himself, Donghyuck lifts a white hoodie with a baby blue bow on the collar, "That makes sense. He always walks around like he came straight from a wet dream."

"Can you not talk about my brother like that?"

"What, you scared I'd seduce him?" Donghyuck laughs to himself, when he sees the other's face and Mark can't help himself but join in, "Just for your information though, he would never be able to resist."

Clearing his throat, Mark finally finds he has calmed down enough to look at Donghyuck, "Last time I checked he is as straight as a ruler."

"Wouldn't be the first time I turned a straight man gay." Donghyuck sasses.

Laughing softly, once more, Mark eyes the choices Donghyuck has laid out for himself. They are all fitting and Mark imagines that Donghyuck would look extremely good in all of them. However, a certain piece of fabric, bundled up in the corner of the room catches his attention. Biting his lip, Mark tries to push away the memories of honey skin against pink, fluffy fabric. Futile, as always, but he is too tired to be angry with himself.

Perhaps that is also the reason, why he picks up the sweater and says: "I think you should wear that one."

Donghyuck glances at the pink sweater and scoffs, "Yeah, not happening."

"I thought you liked wearing it?"

"I do. I love it actually, but..." He sees Donghyuck swallow down whatever had escaped his chest, "You remember how it was received."

Mark traces his fingertips over the soft fabric. He does remember. Considering that, it's not hard to understand why Donghyuck doesn't feel like wearing it again. But, he can't get the picture of his friend, wrapped in this wonderful thing out of his head, even though he knows he should. That first time he had seen Donghyuck, the first time they had talked, the moment Donghyuck had put his trust in Mark. This damn sweater haunts him, in every corner of his most cherished memories.

He fights the urge to hug it to his chest and instead hands it to Donghyuck, "I'm not going to force you to wear it, if you really don't want to. But, if you're only denying it to yourself, because of others, do me a favour and put it on right now. Do it for me. No – scratch that – do it for yourself."

Donghyuck stares at him in hesitation, before reaching for the sweater, "Wow, Mark Lee. So bossy." his eyes rake over the sweater in thought, before he looks back up at Mark, "You seem to really like this piece of plastic."

"I guess I have a bit of an emotional attachment to it." Mark mumbles and finally, finally, Donghyuck pulls it over his head. It still looks as good on him as it did back then, if not even better. Like ripping off a patch, Mark pulls his eyes away from Donghyuck and says: "I'll text the others that they can come here, okay?"

"Mark?" He stops short and takes a deep breath, before looking at Donghyuck. The boy is smiling, his gaze picturing something Mark doesn't think he understands, "Thank you. For having my back like this."

Trying to suppress the smile he feels blooming on his face then is a lost battle, so he gives up, "Don't mention it."

As Mark sits down on Donghyuck's window sill, feeling the glass of the pane cool his back, he feels more content than ever. While the other boy puts on some music and arranges his outfit for the night, Mark is happy, just watching and listening to the boy hum along to the songs that play. It's a soothing kind of voice, he realizes and so nice to listen to. He hadn't even noticed his eyes fall shut, until a finger boops against his nose and he jumps in shock.

"You want one?" Donghyuck holds a cigarette pack into his face.

Nodding, Mark takes the small cylinder Donghyuck places in his palm and lets him light it for him. He feels a sudden wave of something weird wash through him, as he realizes Donghyuck still uses Lucas' zippo. It takes him a couple of moments to recognize said something as venomous jealousy and he wants to whack himself up the head. Jealousy? What a joke. What is there to be jealous of? He should be feeling anger, disgust or even disappointment, but his heart settles on something as childish as jealousy? Pushing the feeling far, far back into the darkest corner of his mind, Mark takes a deep drag from his cigarette.

He feels Donghyuck's eyes on him, widen in surprise, "Well, someone's had a bit of practise. I feel like a bad influence now."

"I stole my brother's cigarettes, so at least you're not alone on the team." Mark says.

"How relieving." Donghyuck says, opening a window, so the smoke doesn't linger in the room, "Can I ask you something?"

Savouring the sharp sting in his lungs, Mark exhales a quiet: "Sure."

Donghyuck settles down next to him, his arm pressed firmly against Mark's, "On Monday, when we wanted to get cheer-up cotton candy", he watches his cigarette get eaten by the air for a moment, "What were you so upset about?"

In that second, Mark is reminded of Renjun's sympathetic eyes, when he had asked him the very same question. Somehow, it had not been an option to confide in his best friend then, but now, all of a sudden, his hesitation seems to have evaporated into a deep, sad exhaution. Maybe, it's because he had been so close to telling Taeyong before, already braced to put a truth he refuses to accept, out in the open. Maybe, it's just because Donghyuck doesn't look at him with sympathy that makes him feel like a liability, but rather with kind curiousity.

Whatever the reason, suddenly speaking up isn't hard anymore: "I think we're in debt – like, a lot – and my mom won't tell us. She's just keeping this from us, like we have no right to know. We're not even getting a chance to help – to do something about it. I mean, can you believe that? She was always the one who told us 'always be honest, then there's nothing I will ever be mad about' and look who's the liar now. I can't believe she would act like this. After Dad left, I thought... I thought we were enough."

"I think you're not seeing the problem for what it is here." Donghyuck says gently. He had been quiet, watching Mark and listening carefully as he ranted, so it's only fair to let him speak now, too, "There is no way you and Taeyong could be 'not enough' in any way. I just have to remember how proud she was to introduce you two last week. Call me crazy, but I think this is less about you, than you think."

Mark watches Donghyuck take another drag from his cigarette, his anger steadily ebbing away, "What do you mean?"

"I mean: so what, if she just doesn't want you to know?" Donghyuck mutters, shrugging, "Maybe, you should trust her. If she didn't ask for your help, she must think she can deal with it on her own."

"But she doesn't have to." Mark insists.

For a moment, Donghyuck only musters him with a warm expression, "And I'm one hundred per cent sure she knows that. But try putting yourself in her shoes for a moment." he straightens up, cigarette between his lips, so he has his hands free to push himself up, "You're a mom of two wonderful boys, who are in the middle of finding themselves – the age that changes your life forever and marks the world that you'll discover, and the path you want to go. Imagine you watch them grow up and all you can feel is pride. Would you really want to tell them about a minor inconvenience like a bit of an income-shortage?"

Scoffing, Mark turns his body towards Donghyuck as well, "It's not a minor inconvenience, though."

"Maybe to her, it is." Donghyuck says, his hand slipping into Mark's. He can't help but watch their fingers dance around and intertwine, "Maybe to her, your happiness just happens to be a bigger priority."

Mark is so taken aback that the words get stuck in his throat. None of the arguments, he knows Donghyuck will be able to deflect, make it out of his throat. All he can do is stare at Donghyuck with his eyes big and his heart heavy. His perspective had been shifted so hard, he feels like he is having whiplash and suddenly, he can't help himself. With a sudden move that even surprises Mark himself, he falls into Donghyuck's arms and hugs him. The action is so sudden that they loose balance right away, falling backwards onto the wide window sill.

Mark doesn't care. He doesn't care that Donghyuck is complaining that he can't breathe, he doesn't care that this is too intimate for two guys, he doesn't care that his heart tries everything in its might to burst through its cage and get to Donghyuck's. Because, the boy beneath him has his arms wrapped around him and squeezes him tight, without conditions. Just like he had listened, Donghyuck is quiet and lets Mark stay there, in the most comforting embrace he has ever felt, for as long as he needs it.

"Don't get ash on my carpet." Donghyuck mumbles into his neck and the words send a soft wave of warm breath against his skin. Without looking, Mark flicks the cigarette out of the window, adding his, now free hand, to the embrace. Donghyuck laughs softly and his arms tighten around Mark's waist. "You're cute, Mark Lee."

A knock on the door finally seperates them. They're not fast enough though. When Jisung's eager face appears in the doorway, closely followed by Renjun and Chenle, the two of them are still half tangled. Jisung stops in surprise, regarding them with a curious look. Clearing his throat, Mark pretends to not notice the awkward stance in which he had found them and decides to snitch himself another one of Donghyuck's cigarettes. The moment of shock is over as fast as it began and Renjun and Chenle enter with excited smiles, pushing Jisung further into the room.

"Your mom said we could just come in?" Renjun says, politely.

"Wow, your room is so fun!" Chenle exclaims, falling on Donghyuck's bed without a lot of reservation, "It's all pink and adorable. I never thought it would look like that."

Jisung pouts, accepting Donghyuck's invitation, to sit down on the window sill as well, "I think it fits. Hyung is also pink and adorable."

Mark sees Donghyuck squeal at the comment and he nudges his friend gently. His eyes say what he doesn't need to voice: _Didn't I tell you?_ Nodding to himself, Donghyuck leans his head against Jisung's shoulder, who seems to light up the room with his beam. 

Meanwhile Renjun sits in Donghyuck's desk chair and musters him and Mark with a fascinated expression, "You two look out of this world. I feel a little underdressed all of a sudden."

"You can borrow something, if you want." Donghyuck shrugs, "But I think you all look fine."

It's evident that they DID try at least. Renjun's hair is styled in a wonky version of Taeyong's usual hairstyle and he threw on one of his few band-shirts. That, combined with a pair of jeans, which he had cut off around the knees, make him look a little like he is slipping into his emo phase. Chenle is dressed like a rich kid; Dark blue polo and slacks, he even dusted off his patent leather shoes. Mark guesses he had hoped to blend in with the crowd, but at this rate, he will draw more attention to himself than even Donghyuck. Jisung downright looks like a skaterboy. His hair is almost completely hidden under a cap and apart from his shoes, everything he wears is baggy, dark and oversized.

He realizes that he loves the way they look. This is who they are and this is why they had been friends for so long. Even though, he feels stupid to even have considered judging them, he is also proud as hell of them. They must be about as nervous as he is – if not even more. A party, may it be oh so general for other people their age, is something for their history books. Whatever happens tonight will shape them, one way or another.

"I think you look great, actually." he says, lighting his cigarette.

He feels Jisung's eyes on him and, before he can question him the younger speaks up: "Can I try that, too?"

Mark looks at him in confusion, until he finds Jisung's gaze pinned to the swirls of smoke that emmit from his cigarette. He is just about to respond, when Donghyuck beats him to it: "That's an absolute 'no', Jisung."

"But Mark-hyung is doing it! And so are you." Jisung pouts.

"Just because our Mark-hyung and I are a bad example, doesn't mean you guys have to follow in our badly-taken footsteps." Donghyuck says, calm as the night, "I want you guys to promise me something. When you're there, don't accept anything from people you don't know, okay? If you want to drink something, ask me or Mark for advice and we'll get you something. If someone gives you anything to smoke or drink, don't accept it."

Renjun's eyes have grown throughout Donghyuck's little speech, "You're starting to give me the creeps."

"There really isn't a lot that can happen." Donghyuck says, but then sighs, "I'd just... I'd like you guys to experience things like that with just us. At least, the first time. In a safe environment, you know? Just, so you can know what expects you and what to prepare for."

Chenle frowns, "Are you talking about drugs?"

"Among other things. I just know that, when you're not braced for what certain things can do to you, they become scary, rather than enjoyable." the boy shrugs, "I've had my fair share of bad trips and so did my friends. I just want to save you guys the trauma."

"Bad trips?" Jisung tilts his head, "Did you get lost in the woods or something?"

For a moment, Donghyuck is so confused, he just looks at the youngest. Then, he bursts out laughing; a sound barely containable in his lithe body. "No, Jisung we didn'get lost. A bad trip is just when the kick hits you the wrong way."

"Oh my god, so you got beaten up?!"

There are tears is Donghyuck's eyes and he holds his stomach, as he gasps: "No sweetie, the kick is just the intoxication."

"Oh." Jisung chuckles, when he makes sense of his mistake.

Donghyuck allows himself to laugh a couple more minutes, before sobering up, "Now, do we have an agreement?"

His eyes go around the group, fixing each of them with a daring stare. Mark is the only one who never gets into that stare's line and he can sit back and enjoy his friend's intimidated expressions. Who is he to blame them, though? If Donghyuck looked at him with this much insistency, he doubts he would be able to disagree. One after another, the boys all confirm and the deal is sealed. Looking beyond satisfied, Donghyuck leans back against the window with a grin.

They talk on, as Mark feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. It's Claire, he realizes, asking him when he will get to Jeno's party. Of course, her and Jaemin are there first, since the two of them have been the ones to organise the whole occasion. She tells him about how fun it will be to kidnap Jeno and lead him all the way to Jaemin's house, with a potato bag on his head. Smiling to himself, he types out a reply:

 **You:** Gonna be there in 30, I'm bringing Donghyuck

 **Claire:** Yaaay! My two favourite boys ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

He can't help but squeal a little at the emoji. However, he still has boyfriend points to earn, so he replies:

 **You:** You mean your favourite boy and favourite MAN?

 **Claire:** You're right, Donghyuck is quite manly

 **You:** Why would you do that to my ego?

 **Claire:** Because you know at the end of the night, I'm all yours ;D

 **You:** (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) <3

He pockets his phone with a curl to his lips. So what, he can allow Claire to collect girlfriend-points as well.

"What are you smiling at so bright?" Donghyuck leans over, nudging him with a cheeky grin of his own.

Mark just shakes his head and the boy shrugs with a pout. Belatedly he wonders why he didn't just tell Donghyuck about Claire. There is nothing to hide about them, right? Maybe, though... Maybe, it's because he had been the initial reason Mark had searched her out. Somehow, it feels a little strange to boast about her to Donghyuck, but Mark is not sure why. All he knows is that he would rather let Claire tell him than speak up himself.

"Alrighty." Donghyuck shoves himself off the window sill and throws an excited beam into the round, "Who's ready for their first party?"

"Not me." Fitting to his words, Renjun looks a little pale.

"Aw come on Junnie!" Donghyuck pokes him in the shoulder, before slipping a hand into the boy's. Mark sees Renjun tense and flush with the attention and he can't help, but smile at the sight, "You wouldn't wanna miss out on my dancing skills, would you? I'm like a whole Frances Houseman, once I've had a few shots."

He giggles and Renjun lets himself be lifted from the bed. Seems like Mark isn't the only one who can't say no to Donghyuck. They filter out of Donghyuck's house together, Mrs. Lee waving them all good bye with a happy grin. Seems like Donghyuck had initiated her into their plans. Outside, they ditch the bikes, since they are too many people and decide to just walk to Jaemin's house on foot, since it apparently isn't that far away.

The music is, as expected, audible from a few blocks away. It must be the thrumming base that shakes through the asphalt of the streets, but Mark can feel himself get a little nervous. He doesn't even want to imagine how his friends feel. At least he has been introduced to Donghyuck's gang already, so he won't feel like a klutz in the crowd. But Renjun, Chenle and Jisung know no one except Donghyuck and him. That means their duty to watch over them is even more important. Mark makes a mental note to check on each of them at least every half hour.

Donghyuck leads them into Jaemin's house with all the practiced confidence of his lifestyle. He never stops to give the boys a second to take everything in and leads them directly towards the kitchen. If Chenle's house is ginourmous, Jaemin's is at least huge. No wonder they decided to host the party here.

Crowds of people have already filled the space, filling the house with noise, chatter and smoke. Mark is pretty sure he recognizes the herbal smell of weed from what looks like the dining room. A couple of boys and girls are in the living room, forming a circle around a bottle on the ground. He thinks he recognizes YangYang's and Gaon's grinning faces in the circle. Xiaojun is nearby, at the dining table, playing cards with a couple of guys. In the kitchen, they find Jaemin, Jeno, Claire and Jinseon crowded together, singing a barely recognizable version of 'happy birthday' for a flushed Jeno, who grins so wide, his face is barely able to contain it.

"You guys sound wonderful", Donghyuck laughs, "If I don't get a musical for my birthday, you'll get eaten by karma."

"Hyuckie!" Claire cheers, stumbling to her best friend and wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

Donghyuck lifts her off the ground, spinning her in a little circle, before he lets her down. She sways for a moment, before giggling, "my, my how many did you have already? Mark, you better take good care of this one today."

At the mention of Mark's name, Claire's face turns with excitement and the next thing he knows he has his arms full of happy, wiggling ginger-girl. He can't help but laugh, fuelled by her excitement to see him. Pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead, he pulls her under his arm and watches Donghyuck introduce his friends to Jeno, Jinseon and Jaemin. They shuffle a little with nerves, but Jaemin, always the social butterfly, manages to ease them with his shenanigans, until they're laughing with a relaxed set of shoulders.

"Well, you could have chosen no better party for your first experience, gentlemen." he declares, "We have the whole high school party experience here, including a filthy game of spin the bottle, cards against humanity and poker, weed-brownies and a dozen vacant bedrooms, filled with condoms."

Mark laughs, when Jisung seems to choke on his spit. Honestly, he has no idea how far Jaemin is kidding, or if he is even kidding at all, but at least his friends seem to get more comfortable. When Claire hands him a glass with orange liquid, he raises a brow at her in question. Once she tells him it's just vodka and orange juice he shrugs and downs it quickly. Oof, okay that's a lot more intense than a beer, but he isn't going to lie – it's pretty damn good.

"Jisungie, you need to come dance with me." Donghyuck whines, pulling on the youngest' sleeve like a child.

The boy seems taken aback, but he gives in anyways. With an amused grin, Mark watches the two boys exit the kitchen and presumably head for the living room. Renjun has already been wrapped into a conversation with Jinseon and Jaemin about something related to art and Renjun doesn't even seem to mind that the other two are drunk off their asses. Chenle looks around with wide, round eyes, but they're not frightened. He seems more excited, especially when his gaze lands on the poker table. The boy really is a sucker for games, no matter what kind.

"I think we should dance, too." Claire says, her arms wrapped around his waist.

He snorts, "And I think I'm not drunk enough for that, yet."

Pouting, she looks at him for a moment, before her gaze lights up with a mischievous grin, "Watch me, then."

And what is Mark supposed to say? No? After getting another refill from Jaemin, his hand is pulled into the living room, where a very excited Donghyuck, a very flushed Jisung and a handful of people have taken to moving to the music in the background. It's some rock song Mark is sure he has heard on the radio before. The kind of song, you can only dance to after a few shots and with enough like-minded fools around you. Claire pushes him into a chair on the sidelines and giggles at his surprised face. Then, she joins the other two boys in the middle of the crowd.

It's quite a sight. Even if Mark didn't know them, he would definitely be able to pick out the ones who do this regularly and the one who has never done it before. Jisung is stiff and nervous, only easing up, when Donghyuck places a hand on his waist in a steading touch. Donghyuck is just grinning and Mark is reminded that he hasn't had a drop of alcohol yet. He is just genuinely enjoying this, unashamed of the way he moves his body in a way so delicate, it would make most men feel stupid about themselves. But with his confidence, with his boldness, it looks good. Belatedly, he realizes that he is actually supposed to watch someone else.

Claire reminds him of it though, approaching him again after a while. Her hips sway wickedly and smooth and Mark feels like this is the moment he is supposed to reach out, so he does. She gives into it and falls into his lap easily, a playful smirk on her lips. When she pulls him into a kiss, he doesn't really get a say in it. All he can do is move with her, close his eyes and shut off his brain. He is not nearly as intoxicated as he wishes he was, but he tries to make it work regardless. Fortunately, Claire doesn't seem to notice the tension in his shoulders, or the nervous twitching of his fingers. He kisses her more on auto-pilot than anything else and he doesn't know why he feels so shitty about that.

When Jaemin gathers everyone for a birthday toast and Claire is forced to seperate from him, he hopes she doesn't see his relief. It's not like he doesn't want this, he's just... overwhelmed. Claire is a lot.

As everyone gathers in the living room, Mark notes how there are way more people than before. Who would have thought there was so much space in this house? Next to him, Donghyuck presses against his shoulder and he looks at the boy. He is grinning at Mark, a little more lopsided now, so he guesses he caved into his first drink. Mark can't help himself; he snorts and wraps an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders, pulling him against his side. The next thing he feels is an arm snaking around his waist and the younger's silver hair poking at his jaw.

"Now, y'all know Jeno." Jaemin starts his speech and the people around start cheering. Jeno, standing next to Jaemin, has his face in his hands to hide a blush that even spreads to his ears, "We've been friends since I can remember. I owe him a lot, no one has saved my ass as many times as he did. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was the one who pulled me out of my mom's vagina." Mark grimaces, but can't help but laugh along with the rest of the crowd. "You don't get to grow 18 every day, though. And I swear I will fuck up anyone who does not try their best to make this the best fucking birthday he ever will have. Even if it's just to hear him say 'god damnit Jaemin, I'll never be able to enjoy my birthday ever again, because this one was so goddamn dope.'"

"What do you think how many did he have?" Donghyuck mutters, his grin even showing in his voice.

Mark lifts a brow, "You're acting like this isn't his default-behaviour."

"Touché."

"I love you broski, no homo, but I really do." Jeno rolls his eyes skywards, "I hope you get to have anything you wish for and more, because everyone and their mom knows you deserve it."

"Oh man..." Mark's eyes hush back to Donghyuck. His smile has faltered and turned into a worried furrow of his brows instead. Trying to make sense of his friend's expression, Mark scans the crowd in the direction Donghyuck's eyes have been fixated. It's not hard to find the source really, with how he seems to loom over 90 per cent of the other people. His eyes are dark, muscular arms crossed in front of his chest, but he doesn't seem to have found Donghyuck just yet.

"What is he doing here?" Mark spits, knowing that he sounds like a protective brother.

A sigh leaves Donghyuck's lips, "Lucas is as much a friend of Jeno as we are, of course he would be invited. I just didn't really expect him to show up."

Mark gives him a worried look, "Do you want to leave?"

For a moment, Donghyuck seems to consider Mark's offer, but then he wraps his arms around Mark's biceps and says, "Nah, I'm not going to let him ruin my fun."

Just when Mark wants to disagree and make Donghyuck reconsider his statement, Jaemin's speech comes to an end and the crowd begins to clap. The people scatter and the music goes back up and suddenly, Donghyuck has vanished from next to him. Mark's eyes hush through the mass, but there is no trace of the silver haired boy. Instead, he finds Renjun.

His friend is leaning against a wall, a happy grin and a slight tint on his face. He seems to be talking to someone, but Mark can't really tell who, from where he stands. All he sees is a blonde mob of hair, cut neatly around the shoulders. Mark can't stop his mouth from falling open, because that's his nerdy friend, who has never thought about anything else than school and his bros, talking to a girl. An actual girl. He is half tempted to walk over and give him a celebratory hug, but he fears he would ruin whatever conversation they have going on, so he decides against it.

Chenle and Jisung aren't in sight, but Mark doesn't get to look out for them; "What's up, sailor?"

Mark lifts a brow at Claire's weird-ass greeting, but his confused expression breaks out into a laugh, when she grins. She obviously used her time more efficient, because Mark would bet his leg she has double the amount of alcohol in her veins right now. Her eyes are heavy-lidded, sparkly eye shadow dancing in the dim light of the living room. She is so gorgeous, Mark can't help himself but to gently thread his fingers into her hair and kiss her. Like butter, she melts into him, arms coming around his neck.

When they part, she says: "Come dance with me."

"I don't think-"

"Please." She whines.

Taking a deep breath, Mark throws his dignity out the window and nods. Elated, Claire takes his hand and leads him to the makeshift-dance floor. It's a lot easier to melt into the music, than he had thought. Against his expectations, no one is laughing at him, no one is even watching him. Everyone is occupied with their own thing and it's just him and Claire. His hands find a home on her hips and they sway together. At first it's awkward, but they quickly find a rhythm that fits for them both and sooner rather than later, they move as if they had done so a million times already.

Mark doesn't know how much time passes. The more drinks he has and the more Claire keeps kissing him, the more the edges around hours and minutes blur. He is completely lost in the buzz of it all, laughing and talking, dancing and shouting lyrics that he barely has any idea of. It must be about one a.m. Him, Claire, Xiaojun, YangYang, Gaon, Jinseon and some college-boy named Jaehyun, are seated in a circle on the living room floor, playing never have I ever.

"Okay, okay", YangYang says loudly, quieting everyone down, "Never have I ever... thought about kissing a guy!"

"Boo, that's unfair." Gaon cries out, "I kiss your dumb face all the time, of course I thought about it."

Wearing a shit-eating grin, the boy shrugs, "Well, looks like you'll have to take a sip."

Mark doesn't even think about it. He knows the answer and there is no sober filter that could stop him, so he lifts his glass to his lips and takes a swig. Suddenly, the entire circle goes a little more quiet. When he realizes what he did, Mark's heart stops and drops all the way into his stomach. Shit, shit, shit. Not even Donghyuck would have drank right now. Should he play it off as a joke? Say he was just really thirsty and didn't even listen? With his friends' confused eyes on him, he feels it's becoming harder to breathe. The smoky air suddenly feels like lead, thick and choking him, until his head spins.

"I, uhm-"

"Mark!" Everyone's heads turn, to find Chenle hurrying through the crowd, towards them.

Despite being drunk off his ass, Mark immediately notices that something is wrong. Chenle's eyes are wide and panicked, his legs scrambling to get to him as fast as possible. He pushes Claire, who still seems confused off his legs and gets to his feet. For a moment he sways, but he wills his mind to concentrate. Whatever it is that has Chenle this panicked, it must be serious. Chenle isn't the type to freak out at everything.

"Shit, I was looking for you, man!"

"Well you found me", Mark says dumbly, "What's going on?"

Chenle's hands go into his hair, "I was planning to leave, so I thought I'd take Jisung with me, but–... I can't find him anywhere! I asked Renjun if he knew where he was and he said he thought Jisung went home already. I also asked Jeno and everyone, but no one has seen him for ages! I- Oh my god Mark, what if something happened to him?!"

It takes a long time for Mark's brain to work through the given information, but when it hits him, his heart leaps from his stomach back into his ribcage and slams against everything around it. Jisung. Young, naive, Jisung. They have to find him. He has to concentrate and calm down, so this situation doesn't go out of control.

Clenching his fists, Mark takes a deep breath, "O-okay listen. We'll find him, you hear me? We'll find him. If he went out he can't have gotten very far, since he doesn't know the area. I'll go find Donghyuck and tell Jaemin we're leaving. You go look for Renjun, okay?"

With tears in his eyes, Chenle nods quickly and hurries away. Mark doesn't even hesitate to look back at Claire or the others, he just storms through the crowd. His eyes scan the people, the faces, the hair-colours, but to no avail. Escaping into a more silent corner, he dials Donghyuck's number, holding the phone up to his ear, as he chews on his thumb nail. Three times the mailbox greets him and at the fourth call, Mark gives up midway. Donghyuck is not going to pick up, he has to find him himself, then. Briefly, he wonders if the other boy might have gone home already, since Lucas had been there, too. It didn't seem like Donghyuck had wanted to spend a lot of time at the party, but Mark doubts that he would leave without even saying goodbye.

So, he storms through the hallways, opening doors into various rooms, filled with people or empty. No Donghyuck on the first floor. He heads up the stairs, ripping open all the doors that line the corridor. All he finds are two passed-out guys and a round of strip-poker he would have preffered not to see. When there is only two doors left, he has almost lost all of his hope.

That is, until he pulls the second to last door on the left open and looks inside. His eyes widen and there is a pain in his head that he can't comprehend. Everything hurts. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.

Donghyuck is there.

So is Lucas.

They are moaning, grinding against each other, exchanging filthy kisses that are so forceful, they scare Mark. Lucas' huge frame cages Donghyuck in against the sink of the bathroom, making him look way smaller than he usually is. There are purple bruises all over Donghyuck's neck and collar bone and his make up is running down his cheeks in dried streams. Lucas' pants are undone and Donghyuck's hand disappears inside of it, doing things that turn Mark's stomach upside-down.

Everything hurts. He is going to be sick. That thought lingers in his head, when his knees suddenly give in and he crumbles. If he knew, why would he react like this? If he knew, why does it feel like his heart is slowly being torn apart and sewed back together, just to be ripped open in a different place.

Everything hurts and then suddenly...

Nothing is there.

When Donghyuck's and Lucas' voices seem to be a mile away, Mark knows he is shutting down. Nothing hurts.

Nothing feels.

"Fuck, I told you to lock the door you fucking useless piece of shit!"

"Lucas, calm down! It's just Mark, it's okay."

"Nothing is fucking okay! He saw us!"

"Please, it's– Lucas, he knows!"

"He–" A pause, "Are you fucking out of your mind, you dumb whore?!"

Mark feels the edges of his world tear at the seams. A painting that is crumbling from its frame, leaving nothing but an empty, transparent square. There is not even anger anywhere, even though he knows he would love nothing more than to break Lucas' nose right then and there. It's hard though. He can't move, can't even feel his arms. All he knows is that his body is choking out panicked sobs, with all the power that is still left in him.

"He's the only one, I swear!"

"If any of this gets out, you're dead Donghyuck. You hear me? Dead."

Something brushes past him, hitting him in the shoulder, but he barely notices. Instead, he just falls to the ground, his back pressing against the soft carpet-floor. Could he just fall asleep right here? Fall asleep and never wake up again? There would be no more emptiness, no more anger, no more worries, no more confusion, no more Claire, no more... But there would also be no more Donghyuck.

"Mark, baby can you hear me?" Soft hands cup his dizzy head and he forces his eyes to focus, "Hey, come back to me. Shit, did you take something? Did someone slip you something? Don't tell me I gotta call an ambulance."

It's out of his control, because when the numbness sharpens again, everything hits him. Tears run from his eyes, burning in the corners and tasting salty on his tongue. The pain explodes, the despair floods and the anger burns up every corner of his body. He holds on tight to Donghyuck and pulls him close. Pulls him so close, he could tell himself they'll just morph into one and everything will be fine. Donghyuck holds him as well and Mark tries not to think about where else Donghyuck's hand was a moment ago. Because no matter what happened, Donghyuck is still Donghyuck – the steady rock in Mark's turbulent sea.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" 

He doesn't even know what he is apologising for. For interrupting him and Lucas? For making Lucas angry? For sobbing into Donghyuck's arms and drenching his shirt with tears? For holding him so tight, he hears Donghyuck's limbs crack? For all those feelings he can't seem to control? It could be all of that and Mark wishes he were so much stronger for his friend.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay, you're safe. I'm here, you're okay." Donghyuck whispers, palm rubbing circles into Mark's back, "What happened baby, what's got you so ruffled up?"

Only then, Mark remembers with guilt, why he had come to look for Donghyuck in the first place, "I-it's Jisung! He disappeared, we have to find him!"

Donghyuck tenses at once and the next thing Mark knows is being dragged to his feet, "Okay, come on, up you go. We'll look for him, he can't have gotten far, right?"

Nodding his head as best as he can, Mark follows Donghyuck back downstairs. His legs barely work and the world is tilting in all kinds of directions it shouldn't, but Donghyuck always makes sure to be close, so he can hold on. They descend the stairs, to find Renjun and Chenle, standing in the entrance area. Both of them look like they saw the devil and when they see Mark and Donghyuck, their faces become even darker.

Mark gets why. Both of them probably look like they just went through hell. Which is pretty accurate to how he feels right now. Donghyuck tugs him towards the living room, where Jaemin has joined the circle of their friends. At first, he just grins up at them, but then, he hurries to his feet and his hands find Donghyuck's shoudlers.

In all the time Mark has known him, this is the first time he sees Jaemin so serious. He looks worried and angry out of his mind, "Fuck, Hyuck what happened? Are you okay? Who did this to you?"

Donghyuck brushes him off, shaking his head with insistence, "Nothing, I'm fine. We're heading out, we need to find Jisung, he disappeared."

"Jisung?" Jaemin frowns, then his eyes soften, "Guys, Jisung is fine. He is upstairs in my room, sleeping."

"What?!" Mark and Donghyuck gasp out at the same time.

"Yeah, he came up to me bout an hour and a half ago and said he was super tired. He didn't want to destroy your guys fun, so I offered him to just take a nap in my bed." Jaemin explains, all calm and collected, "Now Hyuck, you really have to tell me what–"

"Later." Donghyuck interrupts him and turns to head for the stairs again.

Following his friend, Mark waves Renjun and Chenle over, who look at him with stunned confusion. They all trail behind Donghyuck, hurrying up the steps, towards the last door Mark never opened. Without hesitation, Donghyuck throws it open and there he is; nothing more than a mob of hair beneath all the blankets and pillows. Jisung's shoes are at the foot of the bed, scattered with his cap and socks and despite them all barging in like a storm, he stays peacefully asleep.

Without saying a word, Donghyuck closes the door again, "I can not fucking believe this."

All of them release a disbelieving but equally relieved sigh. Mark finds himself slide to the floor once more, but this time there are no wild storms of emotion crashing down on him. He is honestly just _so_ exhausted. Donghyuck sits down next to him, pulling Mark's hand from his lap to hold it in his own.

It takes a while, until Renjun finally speaks: "Okay, we're taking Jisung home. Him and Chenle can just stay at my place."

Mark finds he is even too tired to respond, but Donghyuck, despite everything, seems clear-minded when he says: "Good idea, I'll get Mark home."

Renjun hesitates, "Are you sure you guys will be alright?"

"Of course." Donghyuck smiles warmly, "We'll be fine. No one is on their own and that's the most important thing, right?"

Watching him with an unreadable expression, Renjun nods, "Right."

With that, him and Chenle disappear back in Jaemin's room. Meanwhile, Donghyuck nudges Mark carefully and the latter turns his head to look at him. Donghyuck looks as tired as he feels, his make-up still smeared all over his face and the hickeys under his collar deep and angry. Mark doesn't want to look at them, they will just upset him. He wants to look at Donghyuck. Only Donghyuck.

A last bit of energy surges through him, even though he has no idea where it came from and he drags himself up to his feet. Pulling Donghyuck along, he leads them to the still open bathroom. The area brings his memories back to life, but he suppresses them – ignores the fear and panic and disgust they elicit in his guts. Instead, he gently sits Donghyuck down on the toilett-seat and closes the door. Donghyuck looks confused, but when Mark collects a towel from the cupboard, runs it under the sink-water and brings it up to his face, his eyes turn sad. Yet, he still lets Mark wipe away the tracks of eyeliner and mascara, allows him to cool the area of his neck with colder water.

But he never cries. After everything that happened, Donghyuck doesn't shed a single tear. All he ever does is watch Mark with deep, thoughtful eyes. When he is done cleaning Donghyuck up, he tugs at Mark's shirt and pulls him down into a tight hug. It's uncomfortable, Mark's knees are aching and cold on the tile floor, but he breathes in Donghyuck's scent and none of it matters. He doesn't dare to let go, as long as Donghyuck doesn't.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." The whispered words break Mark's heart.

Why would Donghyuck apologize for such a thing? When he is the one who had been crying, the one wearing all the bruises, the one who had words thrown at him, more cruel than a fist to the teeth? How bad he wants to disagree, to convince Donghyuck that nothing was his fault and that he has to stop this. That he can't let this guy back in, because he deserves someone so much better, kinder, more loving.

Everything gets stuck in his throat, when Donghyuck's nose brushes against his neck and the warm air of an exhale floods his skin. Because, deep down, no matter how much he hates it, a thought starts to form. A thought that will change everything. Donghyuck deserves someone who cares about him, cherishes him, worships him, even. He deserves someone who will take him on dates, show him off to the world, kiss him in a room full of people and never be ashamed of him. He deserves someone who will take all their time to make him feel just as loved as Donghyuck always makes everyone feel.

And Mark knows that he wants to be that person.

Another tear squeezes out of his eye and he pulls away quickly. Donghyuck doesn't seem to mind, only takes a breath and lets it out in a heavy sigh.

"We should go home, I've had enough party for tonight." Donghyuck admits and Mark nods.

They climb back downstairs, Donghyuck's hand holding onto his arm. Mark doesn't care if it's to steady himself, or just because he feels like it, the feeling goes straight to his chest. It rolls around his ribcage and brings calmness to every single part of him. They say goodbye to Jaemin, who still gives them a distrustful eye and wish Jeno a happy birthday once more, before exiting into the cool night air. It's three in the morning and Mark shivers a little under the harsh wind that blows.

As they walk home, neither of them utters a word. It doesn't feel necessary to speak, when they're both this tired. Donghyuck manages to shove Mark's key into the lock of his house and leads them inside. Mark is dimmly aware of the way he is guided upstairs and how he is gently placed on his bed. Donghyuck pulls off his shoes with a bit of a struggle and after a moment of hesitation takes off Mark's jeans too. Truthfully, he is only half-awake when he notices Donghyuck head for the door again.

"Where are you going?" Mark whines.

Donghyuck gives him a raised brow, "Home? In case you're worried, I literally just have to cross the street."

"Can't you..."

The other boy's eyes widen, "Stay?"

"Yeah, that."

Donghyuck stands frozen in front of his door, looking like a lost doll. His eyes hush around the room, taking everything in, through the darkness. Mark realizes the other boy has never been in his room before. It's probably a complete mess, he can't even remember, but he is too exhausted to care. So, he lets out another whine and that's when Donghyuck finally sighs and toes off his shoes. He takes off his own jeans too and Mark flushes when the moonlight catches on his curvy thighs. They look like a girl's. But they aren't. Somehow, it doesn't really matter. They are beautiful, just like the rest of Donghyuck.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Mark wills his brain into silence. These thoughts will be the death of him. One day, they will roll all over him and break him in half. Two worlds to live in and Mark knows he can not possibly live with his left foot in one and his right foot in the other. If he were to do so, he would be no better than Lucas.

He does not ever want to be Lucas.

A warm body slips beneath the blanket right behind him. When Donghyuck's arm wanders around his waist Mark can't help himself but to turn around and press himself against his friend. His world is frightening. But Donghyuck is his shield, enveloping him in warmth and a timeless safety that he never thought he would find anywhere. He presses his face into the fabric of that wicked, pink sweater and inhales Donghyuck's unique scent, until the exhaustion reaches even the last corner of his being.

"Please don't go back..." He whispers.

Donghyuck shuffles to look at him, but Mark is holding on too tight for him to actually move much, "Huh?"

"Don't go back to him. Don't let him hurt you again."

"I'm not–..." Donghyuck seems to think better of his statement and Mark is relieved he doesn't try to lie to him, "It's not that easy, Mark."

"Why not?" He chokes out.

"It's just... You wouldn't get it." That stings more than he would have expected, "You don't have to hide who you are. When-... When you're like me, you'll do anything to not be alone."

Mark's fingers tighten around the fabric, "You're not alone, you have me."

"You know that's not what I mean." Donghyuck whispers.

Yes, Mark knows. Because, Donghyuck thinks Mark wouldn't want to hold him the way Lucas does. He thinks Mark doesn't feel like kissing him, everytime he sees him. He thinks to Mark he isn't as beautiful or as desirable as a girl. It's obvious why he wouldn't believe it, when Mark doesn't want to accept it himself. If he weren't such a coward, maybe he would disagree with Donghyuck. If this was an alternate universe, maybe Mark would use this moment to kiss him and show him the truth without words. But this isn't a romance movie and Mark isn't fearless. In fact, there is nothing in the world that scares him as much as how much he wants Donghyuck.

So, he stays silent, apologises in his mind for everything and nothing at the same time. Donghyuck never stops to hold him, but Mark feels like he doesn't deserve that. He can't even be earnest with his feelings and his attractions, Donghyuck shouldn't treat him like gold. But that's just his nature, Mark supposes. Donghyuck is kind to everyone, even those who don't deserve it at all.

Even with the shame gnawing on his throat and the longing tugging at his heart, Mark finally falls asleep in Donghyuck's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think, will Donghyuck find the strength to let Lucas go? How will Mark deal with the mess he has started with Claire? Could it be that he really does fall for her? 
> 
> I´m really so so thankful for the support this story has gotten so far and all the sweet and loving comments! Remember, when you say something about how you feel about Mark and the other characters, you´re partially talking about me <3 It makes me twice as happy, knowing I´m not alone with my emotions and experiences! 
> 
> Furthermore, University is really taking up my time in the best way possible! I´m busy everyday with schoolwork and commissions, but it never bothers me, because for the first time it´s something I _want_ to do! I hope that you found/will find something like this for yourself, too! 
> 
> On a note for Philocalist, I can´t believe the story is already 60k long by now and I honestly don´t know when it´ll end, but I do know that I´m so so excited for you guys to read it, once I finish it! Until the next chapter/update, feel free to contact and follow me on [Twitter,](https://Twitter.com/putputpotato) so that you can get updates on my writing progress and my artworks too! <3
> 
> See u sweethearts!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Welcome back to another chapter! Sorry for the long wait, I got so distracted with university and life again haha! Anyways, updates and stuff will be in the endnotes. Enjoy! <3

When Mark wakes up the next day, his bed is empty. For just a second, all he feels is a peaceful kind of cool, but then the previous day comes back to him. God, he had acted like a little kid, looking at it now, with a sober perspective. Being worried is one thing. Having a whole mental breakdown about Jisung going missing and finding Donghyuck with Lucas is another. It almost makes him want to never drink again.

Sighing, he reaches for his pants on the ground and pulls his phone out. There are about five messages from Claire, asking where he disappeared of to. That's right... he never said goodbye to her, or told her what happened. To be honest though, he doesn't really have the energy to reply right now. He thinks it can wait until later and throws his phone onto his pillow, before getting up with a huff. That's when he finds it.

Neatly folded, with its unmistakable colour, it hangs over the backrest of his desk-chair. Donghyuck's pink sweater. He frowns at it and picks it up. Without thinking, he lifts it up to his chest and hugs it tight. Donghyuck's cologne still lingers in the fabric and it eases the tension out of his shoulders. Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he allows himself to enjoy the soft feeling against his neck and chin, until he folds it up again. Ripping himself away, he decides he will have to bring it over some day today. He just wonders what Donghyuck went home in. He didn't wear a shirt beneath it, did he?

Stopping that train of thoughts quickly, he pulls off Taeyong's shirt and folds it neatly, to put it in his laundry basket. He replaces it with a shirt from his closet and puts on a pair of sweats, before trailing out of the room. Downstairs, he can hear a conversation going. His mother laughs loudly, so Mark assumes Taeyong is telling her about some accidents at practice again. Not giving it too much thought, he climbs down the stairs and steps into the kitchen.

Only to stop short.

Because, contrary to his belief, Donghyuck is still very much here. He sits at the counter with Mark's mom and Taeyong, wrapped up in a hoodie that is definitely from Mark's closet. His hair is slightly mussed from sleep, hanging into his eyes and Mark thinks he shouldn't feel so much satisfaction at seeing the other boy in his clothes. When they all notice him, their gazes pin on him and they smile. Mark manages a smile of his own murmuring a small 'good morning' before walking to the coffee pot, to pour himself a cup.

"Donghyuck was just telling us about a hilarious field trip that he once did with his parents." Mark's mom shares proudly, "I really can't believe you got chased by a bear."

Donghyuck grins, "It's my favourite story to tell, because it's so unbelievable."

Mark slides into the seat next to Taeyong, finding himself right opposite of Donghyuck. His big brother gives him a generous grin and pats his back, "Rough night?"

"Rough morning." Mark deadpans and Taeyong laughs.

"Did you really loose Jisung?"

Mark's eyes widen and he stares at Donghyuck from across the counter. He just told them?! As in told his mother and brother that Mark was irresponsible enough to loose one of his closest and youngest friends at a home party, where all sorts of drugs and drinks were consumed, while they were asleep and, oh he arrived two hours late for his curfew? As in that?

Donghyuck seems completely at ease, when he takes a bite of his toast and says: "You know, because we came home so late after curfew. I mean, we could hardly just leave him hanging, right?"

"I'm so relieved he was just asleep in that boy's room!" Mark's mom exhales, "Jisung is still a baby, after all! I get so worried and I'm not even his mother."

"That's natural. Protective instincts, you know? That's why everyone loves moms." Donghyuck says.

She throws him a soft gaze and her hand comes up to pet his fluffy hair, "Maybe you're right. Although I feel like you're quite good at taking care of yourself, aren't you Donghyuck?" 

"I mean, he brought Mark home, so..." Taeyong mutters into his toast, so that their mom can't fully understand him. Mark nudges him roughly with an elbow anyways.

They talk over breakfast, laughing and joking, as if Donghyuck had been here a thousand times. Mark isn't surprised that his friend managed to fit himself so easily into his family, but it still makes him happy. He can tell his mother is falling for Donghyuck fast and hard and even Taeyong, who usually has to warm up to people for a while, treats him like he would treat Mark. It just makes Mark want to hold Donghyuck more.

After an hour (Donghyuck insists on helping with the dishes), Mark and him go back upstairs into his room. Without hesitation, Donghyuck falls face-first on his bed and Mark notices with a flush that he borrowed one of his sleeping shorts as well. They're usually too small for Mark, he doesn't even know why he hasn't thrown them away yet. Donghyuck doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that they only barely cover the curve of his butt. Before Mark can loose his mind he looks away and collects his phone, to fall down next to Donghyuck.

The boy has his chin propped on a hand and musters him thoughtfully, "You're not mad because I told them, are you?"

"No... I just–" Mark huffs, "Why did you?"

"Sometimes you gotta be honest with your folks." Donghyuck says, shrugging, "When you talk about them, you always make them out to be so evil. They're really not. Taeyong is really fun and your mom is a gem."

As the shame eats up to his neck, Mark averts his eyes to his blankets, "Because, they're like that with _you._ "

Donghyuck sighs, his hand coming up to run through Mark's hair, "I think you should give them a chance. They might have made your life difficult, but which family doesn't?"

Mark looks at the other boy and feels his heart melt for the umpteenth time. Maybe, Donghyuck is right. He remembers Taeyong, how he had been so excited to dress him up. He remembers his mother, how she had looked so happy when she found out he had been invited to a birthday party. How they both always try to make him feel a little less heavy, even though they probably don't know about the emptiness. Somewhere in the world, there are people who wish for a family like his and he is so unwilling to make peace with them. Why?

His phone dings, then and interrupts his train of thoughts. Quickly clicking on his screen, he finds yet another message from Claire. By now, maybe he should text her back.

Claire: Where did you end up, sailor?

Claire: Are you okay? Talk to me!

Claire: What the hell happened??

Claire: Mark???

Claire: Answer me!! Look at your phone damnit!!!

Claire: Are you with Donghyuck?!!?! Please say you're not alone somewhere.

Claire: Shit, pleasepleaseplease call me when you see this!!

And the last one from just a few seconds ago, reads:

Claire: Are you awake yet? Is everything alright?

Suddenly, he feels a little inconsiderate, for taking this long to answer her. She had clearly been sick with worry. He _did_ just leave out of the blue and just minutes before that, Chenle had stormed towards him, as if the world was about to end. That couldn't have made for a very calming image. He hurries to type out a long, apologetic and reassuring reply, promising to make it up to her.

"So what's this thing going on between you and Claire?" Donghyuck smirks over the edge of Mark's phone, "You seem to spend an awful lot of time slobbering each other's face."

Mark grimaces at the choice of words, "I... I don't know, it's just something. We're hanging out."

"U-huh." Donghyuck's brow raises so high, it disappears in his hair, "Either way, you must be a pretty good kisser, because Claire rarely ever 'hangs out' with the same guy twice. Or maybe you're just making up for a lack with your personality."

Mark rolls his eyes, "What do you know."

"Oh, I'm a marvellous kisser." Tilting his wrist in a 'duh'-fashion, Donghyuck smiles proudly.

"No, I mean what do you know about kissing girls."

Donghyuck cackles, "You think I've never kissed a girl before?"

Mark perks up, "You have?"

"Of course." The younger almost seems offended, "Fucked one, too. But, I guess sometimes you have to try something out, just to know it's not for you."

"Hang on. Y-you actually did it? With a girl?"

Donghyuck shuffles on Mark's bed a little, so he can sit upright. Mark's phone buzzes forgotten on his pillow. "Her name was Naomi and I was _terrified_. And I don't mean in a way that could be outweighed by hormonal-teenage-boy-horniness. I'm talking full-on 'this is wrong, I feel violated and disgusting'-panic attack. Poor girl, she was trying so hard, too."

Mark interrupts him, before more details can come into the world: "So, that's how you realized?"

"Hmm, no there were two steps to the process. That one was the first one and afterwards, I was just really freaking confused. Until my parents and me went on a holiday to Rio." A fond smile ghosts on the edges of Donghyuck's lips, a definite tell of helpless nostalgia, "His name was Antonio and he was a dancer at the festival that happened there at the time. He had this super funny way of saying my name that I could never get out of my head..."

Mark's eyes grow wide, "And the two of you...?"

"I was just sixteen. He was seventeen." Donghyuck explains, "It was the first time something like this actually felt right. He was very kind to me, even though I could tell he was just as nervous. When we went back home I cried on the plane. Not because I was in love, just..." A deep sigh and a longing gaze out of the window, "I thought I'd never feel so understood again."

"That sounds pretty fantastic." Mark murmurs and Donghyuck smiles down at him.

"It was. I'm always thankful he helped me figure myself out. I don't even think he knows how much he helped me." A sweet grin scrunches up Donghyuck's face.

The sun breaks past the curtains and illuminates his honey-skin. There is something to it and Mark understands why Antonio had not been able to resist. He feels guilty, almost shameful, then. This isn't a way to think about your friend, no matter what kind of confusion riots in your heart. Mark just can't help himself. Not, when Donghyuck shines not only on the outside, but so, so bright on the inside.

"Anyways, way to change the subject." Donghyuck teases him, "I'm not going to interrogate you about Claire, but as the dutiful best friend, I have to tell you not to break her heart. If you do, I might just be more upset with you than she will be."

"I don't want to hurt her..."

Donghyuck tilts his head, "But...?"

Shaking his head, Mark collects his phone again, to answer her texts, "No but. I'm just a little confused, I guess."

"You're not ready for a label." Donghyuck nods, hitting the nail on the head.

"She's very kind and very beautiful." Mark says carefully, staring at the messages on his phone. They don't seem to tell him anything, "There's just a lot on my mind that makes figuring my own feelings out a little difficult."

Slowly, Donghyuck's hand comes up to take Mark's phone from his hand, "I meant to ask you about it." He hesitates and Mark averts his gaze, just because he knows exactly what's about to come, "Mark, what's the 'emptiness'?"

Mark jerks himself out of Donghyuck's reach, trying to shrink in on himself just the slightest bit, "Nothing. It's just something I said while I was drunk."

Donghyuck eyes him and Mark can immediately tell he doesn't buy a single word, "Maybe, you should talk to someone about it."

"Like who?" Mark scoffs.

"I don't know", The younger boy drops his shoulders, "Just someone who listens."

Swallowing a thick, dry lump Mark scratches on his arm. The slight sting that comes from it helps him recollect his mind, "I'm not really good at... talking about these things."

Donghyuck gently pulls his nails away from his already reddening skin, "I'm not either. But, it's never good to keep everything inside."

"It's silly. I have no reason."

"You don't need one." Donghyuck says, insistence heavy in his voice, "If you feel the way you do, then that's that. Done. No excuses, no reasons, you just feel like this, so we have to do something about it." When Mark remains silent, Donghyuck sighs, intertwining his fingers with Mark's, "I mean, the way you reacted yesterday? That can't just have been because of Jisung, right?"

Mark swallows. _No,_ he thinks, _it was because of you and Lucas._ But, that's hardly something he can confess. Admitting that seeing Donghyuck with a guy had been the trigger, would question why he cares so much. Sure, he could say that he is protective over his new won friend. However, it's not like Lucas had held a gun to Donghyuck's head, after all. They made out, they touched each other... Mark feels a little nauseous thinking about it.

"Can we not talk about this right now?" He mutters, defeated.

Despite not looking up at his friend, Mark can feel Donghyuck's eyes watching him carefully. Then, a sigh rings out and Donghyuck's hand disappears from his own. Suddenly, he regrets saying this. Raising from the bed, Donghyuck starts moving about his room. Somewhere to his left, Mark hears shuffling and then, there is a guitar in his lap.

Surprised, he gapes up at Donghyuck, who only flops back down on his bed, "Play something for me."

Mark eyes his guitar with a level of scepticism. There is no denying how secure and nice the cool wood feels against his fingers. His body moves on auto-pilot, into a position he has long started to get used to. But Donghyuck's presence makes him nervous and he bites his lip abashedly. He knows Donghyuck would never laugh at him, if he messed up, but that doesn't mean it would be any less embarrassing. What does Donghyuck expect from this anyways? Well, might as well.

His fingers begin to strum, expertly finding their way back into songs he hasn't played in ages. He does hit the wrong strings once or twice, but all in all, he is surprised after all this time his body still remembers this much. Donghyuck stays quiet, listening to him with an unreadable, yet soft expression on his face. Somehow, Mark can't seem to stop once he started. Song after song, everything he remembers rings in the room, but Donghyuck never stops him. He never looks bored or sighs in annoyance, he only listens and at some point, his eyes fall shut. They open again in surprise though, when Mark strums the first few beats of 'Karma Police'.

He only hears Donghyuck whisper _'no way',_ but he ignores it in favour of not loosing his focus. However, when Donghyuck begins to sing along to the first verse, Mark's fingers do slip. Donghyuck chuckles, as he regains his footing and continues the song. Who would have thought Donghyuck can sing? It's a soft kind of voice, more nasal than others and yet clear and feater-light. It shouldn't match the song at all, but somehow he makes it work. Suddenly, Mark feels upset that he only just found out about this now. He smiles bitterly. Better late than never – this is just another thing that will make his heart act up. Another trait to confuse him and develop feelings he doesn't need. Doesn't _want._

The song comes to an end and Donghyuck sighs into the silence, "That was fun."

Mark looks up at him, with his head thrumming. He is itching to say something, to compliment Donghyuck in some kind of way, but all that comes out is: "Yeah."

Stretching, Donghyuck lies back on Mark's bed. The big shirt rides up and exposes his navel and hip bones. Mark swallows down the urge to hit himself and puts his guitar aside. He doesn't dare look at the other boy, only, when Donghyuck pulls at his arm, he has no other choice. There is still a smile playing with his lips, but it seems a little more wobbly now, as if he is unsure. Tugging at Mark's arm, he speaks without words. It's an offer, of course and Mark thinks about fighting it for a moment.

But he knows he can't. He knows he will break apart and regret it forever, if he declines, so he gives in. Lays down next to Donghyuck and lets the younger put his head on his chest, his palm on his heart. Mark's hand finds Donghyuck's hair, threading the knots out of the touselled strands. Their silence is precious glass and Mark can't stop breathing it in. Can't stop holding Donghyuck, can't stop the thoughts that rake his mind; Thoughts like _what would happen if?_ and _would he want this as much?_

"Your heart is beating so fast." Donghyuck whispers, palm pressing against Mark's chest.

He swallows, eyes stinging, "Yeah I think–..." _I think I might have feelings for you_ "I had too much coffee."

\--*--

The weekend is gone as fast as it came. Back in school, Mark is happy to see that his and Donghyuck's friendgroups are beginning to morph into one, rather than staying separated. It honestly makes juggling his social life a lot easier. Claire is consuming a lot of his time, which he definitely doesn't mind, but there is just not a lot of it left for other things. When he does have a spare hour, he forces himself to study for his exams, since those are beginning to gather at his doorway. Luckily he doesn't struggle too much in any of the subjects and ever since he met Claire, Donghyuck and everyone, he can distract himself enough from the emptiness to actually get things done.

The only time when it comes is at night. Sometimes, he will cry, until his body is so exhausted he just passes out. Other times, he doesn't even try and instead sits on the window sill, a cigarette between his lips and gazes around their small town. One thing that never changes about those times though, is how much he wishes Donghyuck were there. Maybe, he should have confided in him, when he had the chance. But Mark isn't a brave person, at least not when it comes to being vulnerable. So, he keeps it to himself, comes to school with deeper eyebags than before and lets time take care of it.

At least all the school work gives him good excuses to get away from his mom. Honestly, Mark doesn't even know if he is still angry with her. Maybe, he just hopes she would speak up about it, if he gives her enough time. It's not like he doesn't miss her, but by now, he has no idea how to approach her anymore. At least he gets a bit tighter with Taeyong again. His big brother sometimes visits him in his room and asks him about his day, or simply tells him about his practice. Apparently him and Taeil have become really good friends, so he tells Mark to be prepared to meet him soon. Honestly, from how amazed Taeyong is by him, Mark can barely wait.

Wednesday afternoon, Mark falls into a seat in the library, a sigh leaving his lungs. Honestly, there is a thousand other things he would rather do than study for history, but at some point he has to get it over with. Twenty minutes in, someone falls into the seat opposite from him. He looks up to find Claire, a cute grin that scrunches up her nose, on her face. Wordlessly, she pushes a beaker of coffee across the table.

"God really sent me one of his angels, huh?" He mutters and takes her hand to kiss the back of it.

Claire snorts, "Yeah, he thought you might need someone to keep an eye on you. Apparently you're a bit of a chaos-magnet."

Mark runs his hands through his hair and pouts, "I'm sorry I made you worry. Everything went so fast and I got so panicked. Then I was _very_ drunk and completely passed out at home."

"It's fine Mark, really. I'm just glad you're alright." She assures him and he can tell that she is serious, "Besides, I'm neither your mom, nor your girlfriend, so you're not really obligated to keep me up about your whereabouts, eh?"

She takes a sip of her own coffee and unpacks her school books, while Mark turns the words over in his mind. Of course, Claire has a point, but... would she want to be Mark's girlfriend? Is that what this means? Furthermore, would he want to be her boyfriend? He's almost tempted to drop his head down on the table. Man, girls are complicated... scratch that _Mark_ is complicated. Then again, maybe investing more of his time and emotions in a relationship with someone will finally get Mark's mind off Donghyuck. Claire is fantastic and if she likes Mark as much as he likes her, they would make a good match, right?

He is so wrapped up in his thoughts, he doesn't even notice he is just staring at his notes without reading them. That is, until Claire sighs out in frustration and groans.

"This is dumb. I hate science."

"You wouldn't exist without it, though." Mark tries.

She shrugs, "I'll dissolve then."

"I wouldn't exist either." Giving it his cutest pout, he looks at her with puppy eyes.

Laughing to herself, Claire attracts a couple of offended looks from around the library, "Thank _god_ for science, then."

Mark grins, then sobers up a little, "Do you need help? I'm not a science genius, but I understand most of it."

"Then, please do bless me with your endless knowledge", she presses her hands together in prayer.

Rolling his eyes, Mark shoves his history books aside and leans over to Claire, starting to explain the topics to her. It's easy enough, since she catches on quickly, despite Mark's uneloquent explanations. By the end of the hour, they have worked through an entire chapter and Claire is able to answer every question he throws at her. They deem that as their deed done for the day and collect their things to go outside. Mark thinks he can find security in their interlocked hands, in Claire's shoulder bumping into his.

As they trail towards the bus stop, Claire suddenly says: "Oh! I almost forgot, but I wanted to tell you about something Jaemin has planned for tomorrow afternoon."

"If it's a bank robbery, count me out." Mark jokes.

"Nah, he only invites ex-lags to those kinds of things." They snort together, "Actually, he wanted to have a small get-together at the forest. You know, the one on the opposite side of town from the beach."

Mark nods, "Yeah I know which one. We used to go camping there, with my dad."

"You don't talk about him much." Claire murmurs, leaning in a little closer.

"Because there isn't much to tell", he says truthfully, "He left when I was way younger. Taeyong knew him a lot better. I don't even really remember what he looked like."

Humming, Claire puts her head on his shoulder, "So, you never miss him?"

"I do sometimes..." Honestly, Mark doesn't really feel like talking about this now. Not right now, not right here and not necessarily with Claire. There must be nicer things they can talk about, right? "Anyways, when do I have to be there?"

She takes the change of topic in stride, "Jaemin said whenever. So around 8 or 9?"

Nodding, Mark gives her his most excited smile, "I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too." She grins and they come to a halt at the bus stop.

A couple of other people are waiting there as well, but the two of them disappear into their own world. Claire takes both of his hands, smiling up at him and Mark is taken aback by how much he should know her by now. How much he doesn't. They have spent a ridiculous amount of time together in the past weeks and yet, when Mark looks at her, she still seems as far away as she was that first night on the beach. Is it because he doesn't listen when she talks? He might be too passive. What if she doesn't like that? 

"Hey big guy, why the long face?" She asks, suddenly more serious.

Inhaling deeply, Mark forces a smile on his face, "Nothing. I'm going to miss you is all."

"We're seeing each other tomorrow again." Claire teases him, but there is definitely happiness sewn into her big grin, "I'm gonna miss you too. Thanks again for helping me with studying, I know you had your own stuff to deal with."

With a shy smile, Mark leans in and gives her a peck, "It's nothing, really. I'm happy I could help. On top of it, you caught on so fast, it was actually fun."

"Hm, maybe you're just a good teacher?"

There is something different about her smile now and Mark thinks he recognizes it. It's the same kind of expression Taeyong wears whenever he thinks him and his girl are alone. Teasing fingers, naughty words, things Mark would rather not have in his head right now. Usually, he always scrambles away from the scene, before he can see anything he _really_ doesn't want to see. It's then that he thinks about it:

Claire and him haven't slept with each other yet. All they have done is kiss and hug. Does it bother her? Donghyuck said that Claire likes to have her share, so it does concern him that they haven't gotten anywhere yet. Not necessarily, because he so desperately wants to have sex, more because he fears she could get mad if they don't. Like Lucas. Lucas gets mad when he can't have Donghyuck whenever he wants. Now, in no universe would Mark compare Claire to Lucas, but maybe there is something to the frustration that comes with not getting laid by the person you like. Even though Mark isn't sure whether Lucas really likes Donghyuck. He would like to think Claire likes _him_ though.

"Mark?"

He shakes his head, mind clearing up, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Nothing, you were just off in another world." Claire says gently. There is a bit of worry etched into her features now and Mark doesn't like it, "Seems to happen to you a lot. Do you have something on your mind? You know you can always talk to me."

People always say that. As if it's so easy to just say the things that are unspeakable. They make it sound so easy. Not like saying the truth out loud would embody it – make it real and powerful. But Mark knows. He knows that if he says everything aloud right now, nothing would be better because of it. Claire would be disgusted with the thoughts in his head and that would be that. She would not want to be with him anymore, if she found out he thinks about kissing her best friend. If she found out that more often than not he is left with nothing to hold onto in his life and when he slips he is just _gone._ How would she like that person?

"It's nothing." He says with a smile, "I'm sorry I always space out, I just get distracted so easily. My mom hates it."

"I don't mind." Claire shakes her head, "I just want to make sure you're okay."

"There is nothing you have to worry about, yeah?" With his hand gently threading through her hair, he kisses her again.

Next to them, the bus rolls into the station and they part. Claire gives him a last worried look and he tries his best to look especially bright. There is nothing he would want less than for Claire to worry about him too. Renjun is enough. Donghyuck is enough. Why is it that he always upsets people?

The bus drives off and he keeps his smile on just long enough to wave Claire off, until she is out of sight. Then, his shoulders drop and he sighs. Somehow, suddenly the world is way too quiet again. He should go home. There is still a bunch of schoolwork he has to get done and after that... maybe he could try to catch up on some sleep.

Rummaging for a cigarette, he finds that he ran out with a frustrated huff. This is bad. He had stolen pretty much every package he found in Taeyong's room. Props to his brother for not calling him out so far, but Mark is simply too young to go into a store and buy some. His only way of getting his hands on any is through friends or his brother. He wonders how Donghyuck gets his. Maybe through Lucas? Is he old enough to buy them? Just then, Mark realizes he has no idea how old Lucas is. Somehow, the possibility that he might be a lot older than Donghyuck just makes his repulsion worse.

When he arrives home, it's pretty quiet. No one is home yet; his mom is still at work and Taeyong probably staying behind at school, for practice. Sighing, Mark walks upstairs and throws his backpack in a corner of his room, before walking back out and into Taeyong's room. Everything is neat and organized, even the posters on the walls seem to be pinned there after some kind of grid. His bed is made, his desk is clean, there is no dust on his shelves. How annoying. The fact that his brother has to be so perfect makes the guilt of stealing his cigarettes a little smaller. Yet, after rummaging through all of the drawers and shelves, checking his bags and looking beneath Taeyong's pillows, he comes up empty handed.

"Don't tell me he decided to stop now." Mark mutters to himself. That would be double annoying.

With a last attempt, Mark kneels down and checks beneath Taeyong's bed. There are a couple of boxes and as he rummages through them, it turns out most of the contents are filled with memories. For a moment, Mark's heart becomes heavy. There are photographs of Taeyong and their father, all kinds of tokens, drawings and books that Mark had been so sure his big brother had thrown away. He wonders if their mom knows these things are still here. A couple of minutes pass by, in which Mark just rummages through the boxes, letting himself fall into a nostalgic melancholy. Perhaps he had been a bit dishonest, when he said he doesn't miss his father. Missing might just be the wrong word. No, Mark just wishes he would have had as much time with him as Taeyong did. Could that be the actual reason why he is so strict with his older brother?

God, he doesn't want to think about this. He doesn't want to feel like this.

With the frustration tight around his heart, he shoves the boxes back under the bed. Then, his eyes catch on something. It's small and squeezed between the mattress and the bedframe. Mark's eyes widen.

"That little shit." He cheers and pulls the almost full package of Marlboros from their hiding space.

He starts when something else slips out alongside the small box. His brows draw into a frown, when his brain begins to supply that those things are magazines. For a short moment, Mark is unwilling to comprehend what he just found. Then, his cheeks heat up like they're just about to explode.

He just found his brother's porn magazines.

Scrambling to push them back in their place, he accidentally rips a page and cries out in panick. Only when he tries to reassemble the pieces, does he notice a very crutial detail about the contents of the magazines. There is no naked lady on the cover. There is a naked _man._

What.

Despite his own embarrassment, Mark flips through one of them in pure confusion. All of it is just pictures of males. There is not a single boob in the entirety of the whole magazine. But that makes no sense. Why would Taeyong own porn magazines about men, when he is straight? He has girlfriends, he only ever talks about girls, he even has a playboy poster on one of his walls, despite their mom's loud disagreement. They must belong to someone else. But then, how would they end up here, in Taeyong's room? Did someone forget them here? But why would they bring them in the first place, that's just weird.

Downstairs, he hears the front door open and, at the speed of light, Mark is ripped from his whirlwind of confusion. He shoves the cigarettes in his pocket and the magazines back where he found them. Adjusting the bedsheets a little, he hurries out of the room, just in time to hear Taeyong ascend the stairs. When he finds Mark standing in the middle of the hallway, he frowns in confusion at first, before grinning.

"Hey sonny."

"H-hey Tae." Mark greets him, heart still in his throat.

Taeyong's expression morphs into one of restlessness, "You okay? You look a little disturbed."

"Oh yeah, no- I'm fine, just- I remembered I had an assignment till tomorrow and I haven't started it yet." He says, backing away, when Taeyong pushes into his room, to place his own backpack on his desk chair.

"Well then, you better go work on that." Taeyong laughs, "Mom has a night shift today, so it's just the two of us. I'll cook us something, you go take care of your schoolwork."

Mark finds he can't move. All he can do is look at his brother, finding an enigma and for the first time, it makes him sad. He doesn't know Taeyong. Not as much as he wishes he did and he now understands that it isn't just Taeyong's fault. It might just be entirely Mark's fault, if he thinks about it.

In a blur of emotions, Mark steps forward and wraps his brother up in a tight hug. Taeyong is obviously surprised, tensing a little in his hold before he relaxes with a soft chuckle. His brother's arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling his head into his neck and Mark suddenly feels safer than he has felt in a while. It's true, he has detached himself from his family and that had been a mistake. Despite every grudge he held against Taeyong, just hugging him makes him feel at home. He can't help but squeeze Taeyong a little tighter, his sight suddenly blurry.

"Hey, hey, hey" Taeyong mutters, when he feels Mark's tears soak his shirt, "What's going on Mark? Why are you crying?"

Sniffling and revelling in the feeling of Taeyong rubbing his back, Mark's mouth opens without a thought, "I just haven't been feeling well lately."

Taeyong hums into his hair, "Does it have something to do with mom?"

"Partly."

"I've noticed the two of you seemed a little... seperated." There is so much regret in Taeyong's voice that Mark suddenly feels selfish for how he had been acting, "What else?"

Mark is holding onto his brother like a lifeline at this point, "I like someone I'm not supposed to like."

"What speaks against liking her?"

Mark winces, but continues anyways: "S-she... already has someone and, well, we're just not supposed to be together. There is so much that is wrong about it and I think if anyone found out I like her, everyone is going to hate me for it."

"But Sonny, that makes no sense." Taeyong whispers, "You can't help who you like. And even if she already has someone else that doesn't mean it's a crime to like her. Don't beat yourself up about that. I'm sorry it's so complicated."

There is a component that Taeyong doesn't understand. A very distinct factor that would make the situation look a lot different to his brother, but even after everything, Mark's mouth stays shut. He can't say it. He can't admit it to Taeyong and he can't admit it to himself either. Neither can he tell Taeyong about the emptiness. The spell that had been there – the sudden recklessness that had moved Mark to speak his mind – is broken. And he knows it's not because of his brother, because really, he can't know better.

Sniffling back his tears and rubbing his eyes with his sleeves, he pulls away from Taeyong's embrace. His brother is fixing him with a worried gaze, searching for more answers, but Mark is drained. He can't tell him anything more. Even if he really really wanted to, there is no way to climb the wall that has suddenly built itself around him. Taeyong's hand comes up to ruffle his hair and the gesture reminds Mark so much of their father that he almost starts crying again. He doesn't though – only takes a deep breath.

"Sorry, I just..." he huffs, "I think I'm just tired."

Taeyong nods, "I noticed you got trouble sleeping lately. Is there anything I can do to help?"

 _Tell me how to shut down my heart._ "I don't think so, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. If something comes to your mind – anything – you can always tell me, yeah? Even if you just want to talk." Taeyong offers and Mark feels a tiny smile spread on his lips. Not forced, not fake, just a thankful smile.

"Thanks Tae." Then, after a moment of contemplating, he adds: "The same goes for you, you know? I know we haven't been... super tight lately, but I'm still your brother." He sees Taeyong's reluctant expression and says: "And I'm an adult now, too. I understand things I didn't, some time ago. You told me yourself that you sometimes wished you were the younger one. Let's pretend you were every now and then, okay?"

For a moment, Taeyong's eyes are glassy and his lips disappear between his teeth, as he musters his little brother. There is a conflict behind his eyes. Mark gets it, really, it can't be easy to give up the responsibility he feels as the older brother. Especially because their dad was gone, Taeyong had always played both roles; Father and big brother. He had taught Mark the things a father would teach him and teased and played with him like a brother would. There is a lot on his shoulders and Mark wonders how he handles it. He admires it, honestly.

"Sounds like a plan, thank you." Taeyong finally answers, "Now, how about this: You get your assignment done and I'll get dinner ready. And after that, we'll play some videogames."

They haven't played anything together in ages, so the prospect actually makes Mark smile, "Sounds amazing. I'll work hard. Thank you for... for being there."

Nodding, Taeyong watches him turn around and walk towards his room. When he is almost through the door, he calls out: "Sonny?" Mark turns on his heel and sees Taeyong watch him with the fondest smile, "I love you."

Mark isn't sure if Taeyong knows how much happiness those words give him, "I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://Twitter.com/putputpotato)|[Instagram](https://Instagram.com/putputpotato), text me if u wanna chat! 
> 
> So, a little note on **Philocalist:** The monster baby is developing really well, not too many people are dying and the make love a lot ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Jokes aside though, I´m updating most of my working progress over on Twitter by now, so if you´re curious about that, I´d recommend you check that out! 
> 
> Another thing I´d like to openly scream about: THE NEW ALBUM IS SO GOOOOOD, RESONANCE CAN KICK ME IN THE FACE NO SKIPABLE SONGS AT ALL!!!! ehem… yeah, I really liked the album haha… Even made an [artwork for misfits](https://twitter.com/putputpotato/status/1316340424500539393?s=20) haha. 
> 
> I´m so excited you get to have a more personal view on Taeyong´s character by now, too?? Like, y´all don´t know the rest of the story yet, but lemme tell you: TAEYONG WHOLESOME. Best brother in the world TT <3<3 
> 
> Anyways, how have you been?? How is life? What are your hopes for this story? 
> 
> I love you so much! Thank you for reading bbys <3<3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo my lovelies!! How have you been? Guess what: We´re almost at the halfmile of this story! Are you nervous? I am! What´s gonna happen to Mark and his regrets?? :'( Well you´ll find out, so stick around!

Friday goes by as fast as it possibly can, when all Mark does is stare at the clock on the classroom-wall. Donghyuck hasn't shown up to school again and for the first time, Mark wonders if his parents know. Sure, Donghyuck is a diligent student... when he is _present_. By now, Mark doubts that even the best amount of effort is going to cancel out all the skipped hours that Donghyuck has collected. He wonders what keeps him away. Maybe, he is sick? He seemed fine yesterday, though...

Then, there is Renjun. Usually, Mark would ask him to walk home with him, since they're heading in the same direction. However, when he asks the younger, all he gets is a 'I can't I'm sorry, already got something planned'. Even Claire stayed home today, mentioning how she had planned something special for her dad's birthday. Since she will be gone in the evening, she thought she should at least spend time with him the rest of this sunny friday. He knows it's petty, but he can't help feeling a little abandoned, as he walks home on his own. On his way, he smokes a cigarette, careful not to associate it with the things he had discovered yesterday. It's not like he wants to ignore them, he just... doesn't know what to think about what he found.

Whatever, in a couple of days he will have forgotten about it.

As he rounds the corner into his street, a familiar black car catches his attention. He feels his shoulders go stiff and he stomps out his cigarette, before approaching it. Lucas is there, standing on the sidewalk and caged between him and his car is a meek representation of Donghyuck. The younger looks uncomfortable, shoulders pulled up and eyes on the ground, as Lucas keeps talking at him. Mark feels his fists ball, until his nails dig into his palms. They haven't noticed him yet, so he keeps to himself, hiding behind the corner of a house.

From how far they are away, it's impossible to hear what they're saying, but it's obvious Lucas is displeased. His nose is scrunched up, eyes burning with anger. It looks like he is waiting for Donghyuck to say something and when he doesn't, Lucas turns around and kicks at the fence of Donghyuck's house. Then, faster than a lightning he turns around again, to fix Donghyuck with a mean stare. Slowly, he leans down to Donghyuck's height and speaks to him. Mark can only imagine whatever it is, is not very gentle.

Donghyuck doesn't move. Mark feels his heart squeeze, because Donghyuck is just _not there anymore._. He doesn't cry, doesn't move, doesn't speak. He doesn't even move his gaze away, from where he is staring into nothing, like a statue. All he does is blink and breathe and it only takes Lucas a few seconds to loose his shit. Before Mark can comprehend anything, a sharp slap sounds in the quiet street and Donghyuck is stumbling to the ground, holding his cheek with wide eyes.

When he sees Lucas approach Donghyuck again, murder in his eyes, Mark doesn't even hesitate, "Hey asshole!"

In a few angry strides, he is down the street, between Donghyuck and Lucas. There is surprise on both of their faces, but Mark doesn't give them a chance to recover, before he shoves Lucas backwards. It's a dangerous game, he is playing with fire here. Just judging from the way he had knocked Donghyuck to the floor, Mark knows he has no chance of going against Lucas and winning. Yet, he would rather get the crap beaten out of him, than see Donghyuck take just one more hit.

"The fuck do _you_ want?" Lucas spits and steps up, until their chests are almost touching, "Get out of my way you nerd, this has nothing to do with you."

Mark wills his hands to stop shaking, "No, you get the fuck out of here."

Lucas scoffs, "Look at your little hero, Donghyuck. He must be so proud to know that you take it up the ass."

"Hey, cut it out." Mark repeats, his hand splayed on Lucas' chest and pushing him once more.

Wrong move. In a breath, Lucas has a hand around his wrist, gigantic in size and so so strong, Mark feels his bones are just about to crack. His other hand comes up to grab Mark by the collar and shake him. He feels his brain crash against all parts of his skull. When Lucas lifts him up just a bit more, he has to stand on his tiptoes. Shit, he should have gone about this different. Now, he really is going to get the shit beaten out of him.

"Is there a problem here?"

Mark's heart sinks into his feet and he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, as Lucas lets go of him. Right on the other side of the narrow street, leaning against their doorway is Taeyong. Lucas takes two steps backwards and gives Taeyong a cold stare. Sure, compared to Lucas, Taeyong isn't much of a physical match either, but there is no denying in how dangerous he _looks._ It's the kind of authority you only gain when you become an adult. Mark watches Lucas carefully, as he seems to decide his next step.

Then, with an annoyed growl, he relaxes his shoulders and says: "No problem, sir."

Mark would have laughed at the title, if he wasn't scared for his life at that moment. Instead, he steps back himself, until he feels Donghyuck's presence against his back. The boy is still sitting on the ground, watching the scene with big, panicked eyes. Lucas throws the youngest one more lasting glance, before he sits back in his car and drives out of their street. Then, he is gone.

As Mark falls to his knees, in front of Donghyuck he finds, to his surprise that the younger looks anything but pleased at his rescue. Even less so, when Taeyong joins them on their side of the street and kneels down next to Mark.

"Hey, Donghyuck you okay?" Taeyong asks, hand reaching out, to help the boy to his feet, "Who the hell was that? Do I need to call the police?"

With glassy eyes, Donghyuck shoves Taeyong's hands off his body and says, "You shouldn't have gotten involved."

"What are you saying?" Mark gasps, "He was going to beat the hell out of you."

"I had it under control." Donghyuck sneers and Mark actually backs away.

He has never seen Donghyuck react like this. At first it seems like he is angry, but when Mark sees the way his hands shake he understands; Donghyuck is afraid. He is trying to hold himself together, to not let show the darkness inside of him, but it's bleeding through the cracks. With a start, Mark realizes that no one was ever supposed to see him like this. He would have rather taken a beating in silence, than let anyone help him and see this side of his life. Pushing past the two brothers, Donghyuck storms through his front door and leaves them in a confused silence.

"Do you know anything about this?" Taeyong asks, "If this isn't the first time that happened, we have to report that guy. Donghyuck could be in danger."

Mark thinks for a moment, eyes fixed on the door which Donghyuck had disappeared behind, "I don't think Donghyuck wants anyone to call the police."

"That's not important. If he is in danger-"

"Taeyong, if anyone can decide about this, it's him." Mark interrupts his brother, "I think if you reported him now that would just make Donghyuck's life harder. We'll figure it out. You trust me, right?"

Sighing, Taeyong looks at him with crossed arms, "Of course I do. I just... I don't feel well leaving him without protection after this."

"I'll try to convince him to do something." Mark says, "But he has to be the one to take that step. Not you, not me."

Taeyong's head tilts and there is surprise etched on his features, "Look at you. You're already talking like an adult."

Laughing softly, Mark scratches the back of his head, "Told you."

Taeyong pats his shoulder, then jerks his chin in the direction of Donghyuck's house, "Go check on him though. I don't think he should be alone right now."

Nodding, Mark watches Taeyong retreat to their own house, before he walks up the stairs to Donghyuck's doorstep. The door is unlocked, luckily. Donghyuck must have left it open – on purpose or out of forgetfulness, Mark doesn't know. He quietly enters and closes the door behind him, before walking upstairs towards Donghyuck's room. His parents aren't home, as Mark guessed. If they were, there is no way they would have missed the tumult outside. Donghyuck's door is slightly ajar, but Mark knocks anyways.

"What."

Mark winces, "Can I come in?"

"I don't care, do what you want." Comes a muffled reply.

As Mark steps inside the room, it takes him a moment to find Donghyuck at first. Then, his eyes land on the big mountain of blankets on the bed, which are moving up and down in an even rhythm. Donghyuck's back is towards him, his silver hair poking out of the top of his blanket burrito. With care, Mark approaches him and sits down at the edge of the bed. He doesn't know what to say, watches his fingers as he hopes for an answer to come to him. It doesn't.

He watches Donghyuck's motionless frame for a moment, before he whispers: "Are you upset with me?"

A silent sniffle sounds, "No... and I'm not upset with your brother either. But you really shouldn't have gotten involved. He's going to give you hell, now."

"I couldn't just stand there." Mark defends, his voice broken and desperate.

"I know." Donghyuck whispers, pulling the blanket down a little, until his head is free, "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I didn't get... I'm glad I wasn't on my own." It seems to be difficult for him to say out loud what would have happened. To accept what reality looks like. Mark finds a lot of himself in that. "I just wish you didn't have to see this. That was the first time anyone ever... saw us like that." Donghyuck turns onto his back and looks at him. Mark's heart breaks a little – he looks _so_ tired. "How come you always worm your way into my secrets Mark Lee?"

He doesn't answer, tries to smile, but the expression turns apologetic. Donghyuck's gaze is soft and his arm appears from under the blankets. It travels to Mark's fingers, where his hand is propped against the mattress and climbs up, up, up, featherlight, until his fingertips are dancing on Mark's cheek. He can't pull away, his throat is dry, his mind is spinning. All Mark can focus on is the warmth emitting from Donghyuck's body and the way his lips are slightly parted in thought. His lips. Mark can't stop staring at them. Blinking, he fixes the blanket with a stare. He can't give himself away. Not like this.

_Make it stop._

"Can you hold me a little?" Donghyuck whispers and Mark looks back up at him in surprise.

The younger looks more frail than usual. Almost as if one touch with too little care could shatter him. So, as Mark shuffles and pushes himself against Donghyuck's back, he is more careful than he would be with a flower. His arm wraps around Donghyuck's middle and he allows their fingers to thread together. He tells himself that this is for Donghyuck – that, if he finds security in this, Mark is happy to do it for him. But he knows that a lot of it is for himself, too. He tried. He tried so hard to distance himself, to cut his heart off his connection to Donghyuck, but it's getting exhausting. So much, he finds if he doesn't allow himself this, he might break just as much as Donghyuck. There is really nothing else for him to do.

"Why can't I let it go?" Donghyuck suddenly asks and Mark isn't sure if he is even talking to him, "Why do I always go back? It's not worth it."

Mark squeezes him a little tighter, "No, it isn't."

"He gives me no choice. I don't... he knows how much I need him." Donghyuck mumbles, "It's always been like that. He would gain my trust and I'd open up and now, he knows what to use against me. What to use to have me come back, god I'm so stupid." His words become choked, as he shrinks in on himself, "All I ever wished for was to be wanted. And when he wanted me I thought I was the luckiest person alive. You don't know how lonely you can become when you have to live in a secret world Mark, it's so fucking suffocating. I just wanted someone to like me, to touch me, to cherish me, is that wrong?"

Even though he isn't sure Donghyuck expects an answer to that, Mark still whispers: "No."

"Sometimes I feel like I can cut myself off from him, you know? And then... then I see all those people around me, being in love or holding each other and I just get so fucking lonely." The boy sniffs and Mark buries his face in his neck, just to give him that extra bit of security.

"I get that Hyuck... I really do." Mark whispers, "But you deserve so much better. This... this is just messed up. The way he treats you."

"I know that. But... You know it's not always like that. It wasn't always like that." Donghyuck reveals, "God, he used to be so sweet, so gentle. I was so in love with him and now? I don't even know. I can't hate him, but I don't love him anymore either. We're both just using each other at this point."

"You're not using anyone, he is the one at fault here."

A bitter laugh breaks out of Donghyuck's lips, "You think too high of me, Mark. At the end of the day I always give in, because I need someone to love me. He's the only one who will."

"You don't know that." It's out before he can think about it, but funny enough, Mark doesn't regret saying it.

Donghyuck sinks into his hold then and Mark finds his mouth is awfully close to Donghyuck's face. They lay there in silence and Mark eases into their embrace more and more. The sun from outside shines on them, warming the room and somehow, he feels like he could stay like this forever. Just him, Donghyuck and all those plushies. 

"I'm not going back anymore." The younger suddenly breaks the silence, "I don't need him. I have you and Claire and Jaemin and Jeno, Renjun and Jisung and Chenle... I might not be anyone's special someone, but I am loved."

Oh god, how much Mark wants to tell him that he has been his special someone from the day they met. But as always, he keeps it inside and says: "You are. So much."

Donghyuck nods, even though he sniffs again and his voice is raspy, he says: "And someone will come. And he won't be ashamed of me, he will show the world how much he loves me. He will be proud to be with me and I will be proud to be with him."

"I have no doubt about that." Mark whispers.

Even though he doesn't manage to speak his mind, he does gather the courage to place a gentle kiss on Donghyuck's shoulder and hug him a bit tighter. The boy sighs and squeezes his hand in gratitude. They lie there for a little longer, before Donghyuck shuffles and brings their intertwined hands up to his face, to place a little peck of his own on Mark's knuckles. It's warm and sweet and he melts a little more against Donghyuck. Maybe, he'll fall asleep. The gasp that follows though, gathers Mark's attention. 

"He hurt you." Donghyuck squeezes out and when Mark's eyes travel to their intertwined hands, he understands what Donghyuck means.

There is a thick bruise around his wrist, where Lucas grabbed him. Somehow, he feels a little sick at the sight, so he closes his eyes again. Apologizing softly, Donghyuck kisses the bruise over and over again until Mark feels like he might burst into tears. His heart is ripping with longing, pulling so hard in Donghyuck's direction that they could morph into one. Using his free hand, Mark drives his nails into his own side, concentrating on the sharp sting. He doesn't even think about it, because it helps and that's more than enough.

"It's nothing." He breathes out after a while, "I'll recover. How is your cheek?"

Donghyuck pouts, "I can feel it pulsate. What a hassle, now I'll have to cover it up again."

"Let's put some ice on it." Mark proposes and untangles himself from Donghyuck's hold.

The younger whines, but doesn't protest any further. Like a lightning, Mark speeds down the stairs and rummages through the freezer, coming away with a frozen package of peas. He brings them with him and hands them to Donghyuck as he comes back. The boy has managed to sit up on his bed, shoulders slouched and face puffy from crying. He still looks beautiful in Mark's opinion, but that isn't important right now.

Pressing the bag of peas against his cheek, Donghyuck holds his hand out towards his desk, "Can you hand me that bag?"

Mark follows the direction of Donghyuck's hand and finds a tiny, fluffy bag, designed like a duck. He laughs at it and picks it up to give it to his friend. Watching as Donghyuck pulls out a couple of tubes and brushes, Mark sits himself down on a window sill and opens a window. As he lights up his cigarette, Donghyuck puts the peas down and eyes himself in the mirror. His expression is enough to tell Mark that he had expected to see this; A big purple bruise forming along his cheekbone.

Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck starts to put a bit of green paste on his skin. Mark watches with disturbed fascination, as his friend manages to cover the entire bruise up with a few, simple steps. At the end of it, there is almost nothing that could have given the disguise away, as Donghyuck fixes everything with a bit of powder. It's like he simply erased the happenings of the last hour with a bit of makeup. Mark doesn't even know whether to be sad or impressed.

When Donghyuck pulls off his shirt, Mark chokes on the smoke of his cigarette. It's embarrassing, how he can't stop coughing then, even though Donghyuck gives no sign that he noticed. There are a few hickeys on Donghyuck's neck again and Mark is just about to get angry at them, when he watches with great satisfaction how Donghyuck begins to cover them up too. Once he is done, there is a tiny smile back on Donghyuck's face.

"If only I could conceal that motherfucker from my mind too." he sighs and walks over to Mark.

The older feels his face flush, when Donghyuck pulls the cigarette from between his lips and takes a drag of his own; deep and satisfied. Grinning, he puts the cigarette back in Mark's mouth and turns around to dig through his closet.

"Now, what should I wear?"

Mark frowns and mumbles, "Are we going somewhere?"

"Well, Jaemin planned this hangout." Donghyuck says, "And I plan to feel myself, for no one but me." 

Ah yes, Mark had almost forgotten about the hangout plans. He takes another drag of his cigarette and tries not to be disappointed. There will be more chances for him to spend time with Donghyuck one-on-one. Perhaps going out and hanging with his friends will be the best Donghyuck can do for himself right now.

"And don't you dare choose that wicked pink sweater again. I'm getting too attached to it and I need some variety in my wardrobe." Donghyuck points a threatening finger at Mark and the older only laughs. With curiousity, he watches Donghyuck's head disappear in his closet and suddenly he gasps out: "Oh my god I have the best idea!"

Finishing up his cigarette, Mark flicks the remaining butt out of the window. When Donghyuck's hands come back out of the closet, they're holding two identical hoodies. They're a pale red colour and there is a strawberry sewn right above the heart. Both of them are huge and Mark's brain takes a second too long, to catch up to Donghyuck's plan.

"Take your shirt off." Donghyuck demands and Mark's eyebrows shoot up, "Come on!"

A little fidgety, Mark pulls his shirt over his head. All of a sudden, he feels a tad selfconscious. More so, when he notes Donghyuck's eyes linger on his torso for a heartbeat. He takes the hoodie that is held in his direction and pulls it on in unison with Donghyuck. With an excited grin, the younger pulls Mark to his side and they watch themselves in the full-body mirror on Donghyuck's wall. The hoodies fit them both in different ways. The colour accentuates Donghyuck's brilliant skin colour, where it makes a nice contrast with Mark's dark hair. On Mark's shoulders it falls off in a nice curve that brings out his broader stature and the wide collar gives a good peek at Donghyuck's beautiful collar bones.

"We look so fucking cute." Donghyuck cries out in triumph and pulls his phone out to snap a picture.

Mark silently agrees and pulls Donghyuck to his side to snap a selfie on his own phone. He looks ridiculous, but Donghyuck beams and Mark realizes it's the first and only picture he has of the other boy. Contemplating for a moment, while Donghyuck collects his things, he sets the picture as his phone wallpaper. Once Donghyuck is set, they speed downstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Lee still have yet to come home, but Donghyuck tells him that they both took public transport today. Meaning the car is still there.

Admittedly, Mark almost forgot how much he missed the insides of the old Impala, but now, with Donghyuck rolling down the windows and the sun above them, he feels so content. It doesn't even take him several tries to get the passanger door open. Not wasting a single second, once the engine is on, Donghyuck rummages through the audio tape box and comes away with one that brings a wicked grin to his face. To Mark's surprise he recognizes the song that begins to boom through the speakers: 'I don't like you' from the Wrecks and it fits too perfect. There is a good reason why Donghyuck would choose that particular song, so when he begins to shout along to the lyrics, Mark is left with little other options but to join in.

_You can't get in my head, I wanna see you try._

The drive takes a good twenty minutes and they spend all of it shouting and singing, almost hitting another car in the process. Donghyuck looks different. He seems to glow a little brighter than usual and Mark likes to think that it might be because Donghyuck's mind has changed. He decided to not go back to Lucas anymore. He has cut himself off completely. Now, there is no one that can get to him anymore. And if anyone tries, Mark knows he is going to be the one to put himself right between them and Donghyuck.

"Look at those losers, they're already at it." Donghyuck laughs, pointing at a clearing up ahead, as they roll through a deserted path of the forest.

A couple of cars are parked around the area and Mark finds that there are more people than he had expected. Some of them are gathered on the grass, talking and laughing, others have made themselves comfortable on top of the cars. The afternoon sun is breaking through the crowns of the trees, creating patchy patterns of light around the forest. Donghyuck kills the engine and they step out of the car. It's warm and bright and Mark finds that he's glad they came after all. Donghyuck links their arms and pulls them towards a group of familiar people.

To Mark's delight he finds Renjun, Chenle and Jisung as well. Renjun, however, isn't on his own. There is that same pretty girl that he had talked to at Jeno's birthday party, seated next to him. Her blonde hair shines brightly in the sun, as does her smile, when Renjun's arm wraps around her shoulders. Well what do you know. Mark can't help but smirk.

"Jisungie!" Donghyuck yells and throws himself on top of the youngest, "I'm so glad you're here, I need someone cute to cheer me up."

Obviously taken aback, Jisung tries to fit an entire Donghyuck in his arms and laughs, "Ah Hyung, I'm happy to see you, too. Did something happen?"

"I just had a weird day." Donghyuck pouts and rests his head on Jisung's lap, "But I feel all better, now that I get to see all of you."

Jisung's face flushes and he grins happily. Mark can't deny that there is something about Jisung that just fuels one's body with warmth and happiness. He ruffles Chenle's hair in a greeting and sits down next to Renjun, who seems very intend on not introducing them all to the girl next to him. Claire is nowhere to be found yet, but Jaemin and Jeno are sitting in the circle, too and on one of the car tops he recognizes YangYang and Gaon sucking face.

"So, who's Cinderella over there?" Donghyuck asks unabashedly.

The blonde girl laughs into her hand and Renjun splutters, "Uh-Uhm, everyone, this is Maya. She... is- She's my-"

"Girlfriend." She ends his sentence and everyone gapes.

"Hold on, didn't you two like- meet at Jeno's birthday?" Mark asks.

"We did." Renjun says and pulls Maya a little closer by her shoulder, "We spent a lot of time together and our chemistry is, uhm, very good."

Donghyuck snorts at that, but gives them a thumbs-up, "Well we all know Renjun is going to worship you on hands and knees", The mentioned boy blushes, "But are you going to do the same?"

"I think even if I didn't want to, I couldn't resist." Maya says, "I mean, have you looked at him?"

With a satisfied hum, Donghyuck crosses his arms and grins at her, "I like her."

"What about you two?" She asks suddenly and with a horrified thump in his chest, Mark realizes she is pointing back and forth between Donghyuck and him, "How long have you been together?"

Jaemin laughs from his spot, "No sweetheart, you got it wrong. They're friends. God, how weird that would be."

"I just thought because of the matching hoodies."

Renjun frowns at them, "She's right though. What'd you do that for?"

"You look like a couple of homos." Jaemin falls on his back and laughs, Jeno hitting his leg and trying to suppress his own laughter.

Mark instinctively looks at Donghyuck to check on his reaction. What he finds makes his heart heavy, because Donghyuck is smiling so bright. If Mark didn't know better, he would have never been able to see past his mask. This is how good Donghyuck has gotten at hiding himself, hiding what he feels. Suddenly, Mark is scared for him. If no one knows what he is going through, will there ever be someone to catch him if he falls too hard? For now, he is the only one who knows, so he will have to be there. Always.

"I don't think it's so bad." Jisung suddenly says and everyone falls quiet, "You guys make it sound like such a crime... Boys liking boys."

"I mean, it's kind of against nature, isn't it?" Chenle mutters, shrugging.

Jisung frowns, "I just think that-"

"Maybe I should just kiss you Jisungie." Donghyuck supplies and the tense silence is broken, as everyone begins to laugh again, "And take you out on a date, hm?"

The flush that had previously occupied Jisung's cheeks spreads all the way to his ears. Donghyuck laughs in his lap and squeezes his cheek until Jisung joins in. Mark fights a smile on his face as well. Suddenly, he wishes he had been the one to speak up, even if Donghyuck would have shot him down. Jisung – young, innocent and small Jisung – was brave enough to defend Donghyuck, even if he didn't know he was doing it. And Mark? Mark knows about Donghyuck's secret, knows how much it must hurt to hear things like this and yet, he still can't will his dumb mouth to open and protect him.

Next time he will definitely speak up. Next time... Next time. He sighs.

They sit together in their circle and talk until the sun is low above the horizon. Mark loses count of the cigarettes he smokes (and the times Jisung asks him to try it as well), but it doesn't matter, not when everyone else around him seems to go through the same. At some point, Jaemin and YangYang start a small campfire in a circle of stones they have arranged. The whole group cheers once they manage to get the first flames going on empty cigarette packs, used tissues and bottle labels. The cheering gets louder, when Claire's car finally rolls into the area and she jumps out with Xiaojun in tow. Mark doesn't even think about why Xiaojun was with her, either because she is immediately all over him, or he just doesn't care.

What he cares about though, is the bag Xiaojun has in his hand. The shape is familiar and makes Mark's fingers itch a little. Donghyuck notices it, too and a wicked grin spreads over his lips, as he locks eyes with Mark. He tries to shake his head, but Donghyuck already pleads for the guitar, before Xiaojun has even unpacked it. The boy obviously planned on playing it himself, so Mark politely insists he goes first. Xiaojun is really good, joining in with a nice voice to sing a couple of songs with the whole group. Truth be told, Mark is glad that they can still have fun without being completely wasted.

After a few songs, Donghyuck whines again and Xiaojun hands Mark the guitar with a soft chuckle. As all those eyes are on him, Mark feels his heart pick up speed with the attention. He is nervous. A lot more nervous than he had been, when he just played for Donghyuck. That had been easy. What if he... pretends he only plays for Donghyuck? What if he just pretends they're the only ones out here and the other boy would be the only one who would hear him strum the wrong chord or press a side sloppily? Taking a deep breath, Mark begins to play.

From there on, it almost happens on its own. He switches to muscle-memory, concentrates on himself and Donghyuck only, just to keep his cool. Once he has gotten used to it, he manages to look at the others as well – accept that they're there. To his surprise, he finds that they seem to enjoy him play as well as they did with Xiaojun. It fuels him, has him play on and sing with the others.

Soon though, he runs out of songs to play, so he hands the guitar back to its respective owner. Everyone whines about how they want him to continue and he apologizes with a happy flush on his cheeks. Honestly, he had almost forgotten how much fun this could be; sitting around a campfire, playing songs and telling stories. The last time Mark had done something like this was when his dad was still around. He barely remembers it. But there is no doubt that it was Mark's favourite thing to do with his family.

The group trails off into pointless conversations that Mark doesn't even really pay attention to. By now, the night has come down on them in a blanket of darkness, but their fire keeps them warm and the place illuminated. All he wants to do is soak in the atmosphere and watch the shadows dance under the light of the flames. He looks up at Donghyuck, finds him lean against Jisung's shoulder, as they talk, their hands intertwined. Donghyuck's eyes are filled with the orange glow and they look even bigger and brighter than usual. One could hardly guess what he had gone through a mere couple of hours ago and Mark is relieved to see him recover so well.

Suddenly, someone taps his shoulder and makes his gaze jerk up. Claire looks at him with a dazzling smile, her ginger hair looking like a fire of its own in the night, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

That sentence is enough to make Mark a little nervous, but he agrees anyways. Together, they distance themselves a little from the group. Claire leads them to her car; a wide and large jeep that fits oddly well with her bold character. She pulls him on top of the hood, where they have a direct view over the others around the campfire. Mark tries to ignore the whirlwind in his heart and mind. Is she mad at him? Did he do something wrong?

"I have been thinking a lot recently", she begins and Mark fidgets, "Dad always said these things are something I have to spend a lot of time thinking about, just to be sure I want them. But to be honest, it's always been an easy decision, you've made it very easy."

Mark lifts a brow at her, "I'm... glad?"

She giggles at his reaction, "No need to be scared Mark, I just wanted to ask you something... well, propose something, more likely?" As if frustrated by herself, she sighs and says: "We've spent so much time together and I really like you and... I think you like me... too? So, I thought about what it would be like, to be... you know."

"I'm not following, I'm sorry." He must sound like an idiot, but Claire is still patient with him.

"What I'm saying is, you collected enough boyfriend-points, if you want." She mutters.

Mark's eyes widen and he gapes at her. She doesn't meet his eye, probably anxious about his answer and, instead, watches their friends go about their own business. From the corner of his eye, Mark can just make out Donghyuck as he pulls Jisung by the hand. They look like they're trying to find a silent corner for themselves as well. Mark feels his heart squeeze. He hasn't thought about Claire and him actually being in a relationship, but he feels dumb for asking for more time. Besides, doesn't he need this? This is the perfect opportunity to finally get over Donghyuck. No more excuses for him, he will be with Claire and that's that. This girl, right here, might be the best thing that can ever happen to him. If he says no, if he says maybe, he could completely miss his chance and there will never be another again.

With his mind made up, Mark turns back to Claire and cups her cheek. Carefully, he guides her to look at him again and smiles, "If you care, you've got more than enough girlfriend-points as well."

Laughing, she leans into a kiss at the same time as him. This is alright. It will be exactly what Mark needed, exactly what will get him back on the right track. Donghyuck was the exception and he won't continue to be. Mark isn't into boys, he is into girls. Mark isn't into Donghyuck, he is into Claire. Just to prove himself that, he kisses her deeper and holds her closer. He ignores the emptiness that seems to keep his brain wide awake, even though he should be falling head-first into the pleasure of this kiss.

They part and rejoin with the group at some point. To Mark's surprise, Donghyuck and Jisung are still gone, but he finds them near Donghyuck's car. Whatever they're talking about, they're using hushed voices and their heads are close together. Donghyuck's shoulders are pulled up, as if he is uncomfortable and for a moment, Mark thinks about coming to his rescue. It's stupid to expect Donghyuck would need a rescue though, when the one he is talking to is Jisung. The younger wraps him up in a hug the moment Donghyuck begins to hide his face in his hands and from there on, Mark pulls his gaze away. This doesn't feel like something he is supposed to see.

When it's almost midnight, they come back to the group as well, Donghyuck looking a little puffy eyed. This time around, he comes to Mark's free side, Claire on the other. No one else seems to notice Donghyuck's state, but Mark tugs him into his side without thinking.

"Could we go home?" Donghyuck whispers and Mark looks down at him in surprise.

"Yeah okay, sure." He agrees and watches Donghyuck rise back to his feet.

The group whines in disapproval put speed them on their way with good spirits anyways. Claire is the only one who follows them to their car. Mark allows Donghyuck to wrap his best friend up in a hug first, before he pulls her into an embrace himself. As Donghyuck climbs ahead into the impala, Mark leans down and kisses Claire a last time. She smiles happily as he pulls away.

"Text me when you get home?" he asks.

Nodding, she runs a hand through his hair and lets him go, "Stay safe."

"You too."

When Mark slips into the passenger seat, he immediately feels Donghyuck's curious eyes on him. True to his intuition, he finds his friend give him a knowing grin, before he starts cheering and shoving Mark in excitement.

"Did she ask you?"

Mark's eyes widen, "You knew?"

"Well, duh", the younger says, crossing his arms, "I'm her best friend, I had to approve of you first. But since you're so handsome and considerate, the choice wasn't hard to make."

Hiding his flushed cheeks behind his hands, Mark can't help but smile, "Start the damn car."

"Okay, okay." Donghyuck laughs and complies. Once they have rolled out of the forest he asks, on a more serious note: "You did say yes though, right?"

"Of course I did." Mark says with a meek tone.

Nodding to himself, Donghyuck turns on the radio for once, "Good. You'd be a fool not to."

A fool, yes. A fool whose heart is all over the place; a fool who can't figure out his attractions. Mark is not a fool, he made the right choice. Being with Claire is going to change everything for the better. Perhaps he will finally find a loophole out of this goddamn mess of emotions and unanswered questions. An outcome in which his own confusion won't matter anymore.

With a satisfied sigh, Mark leans back in his seat and watches the trees pass them by, until they're replaced by more and more houses. Donghyuck hums along to the songs he recognizes on the radio and for the first time Mark feels like there is nothing wrong. For the first time, he doesn't think about kissing Donghyuck or holding him. He is content with knowing they're friends, because he has a gorgeous and sweet girlfriend. The night is wrapping them up in its obscure secrets and they live and breathe without waiting for time to catch up with them.

Soon enough, Donghyuck parks the car in their street, but neither of them move to climb out of the vehicle yet. Mark casts a look at his friend and he looks oddly calm. Maybe even at peace? He is just about to ask, when Donghyuck beats him to it;

"I told Jisung today." he says.

When Mark comprehends the meaning of this one sentence, he almost jumps into the air, "Wow... wow, oh my god Hyuck! That's amazing. How... how are you feeling?"

"I honestly feel so fucking great." Donghyuck chuckles to himself, almost sounding disbelieving, "He was so kind about it. I broke down halfway through, but he just held me and told me it's fine. Told me he is thankful I trust him."

"Honestly, considering he is the baby of our group, sometimes he is acting the most mature." Mark muses.

"Yeah, he really is..." Donghyuck's gaze softens and the smile around his lips becomes more subtle, "I could have never done this without you, you know? All of it; Telling Jisung, letting go of Lucas, even wearing that stupid sweater again."

Mark shoves him gently, "Yes you could. You're Lee Donghyuck, you can do anything."

"Is that what you really think?" He seems surprised.

Mark though, doesn't even have to think before he answers: "It's not what I think, it's what I know. You're just... I admire you. Sometimes I'd like to be more like you."

Donghyuck's cheeks flush and he hides them behind his palms, "Don't be like me, it's so much trouble." With a sigh, he drops his hands again and looks Mark in the eye, "Seriously though; Thank you. I've never had a friend like you."

"Feeling's mutual." Mark mumbles.

When he moves to exit the car, Donghyuck suddenly says: "You know, it's not hard to see why Claire likes you so much."

The words tear at him and admittedly, Mark wishes Donghyuck wouldn't have said them. They leave too many questions again, too many open threads that will untangle and make the holes in his heart bigger. So, instead of answering, he only hums and climbs out of the Impala. Outside, he can only give Donghyuck a hurried wave as a good-bye, before he climbs the steps to his door. Once the walls of his house are between him and Donghyuck, he allows himself to slide down against the door and sigh deeply.

Donghyuck had asked him how Mark always manages to worm his way into his secrets.

He wonders how Donghyuck always worms his way into his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/putputpotato) | [Ig](https://www.instagram.com/putputpotato) | [Tumblr](https://midnight-writ3r.tumblr.com/) – Text me if you wanna chat! 
> 
> So… commitment, huh? Maybe, Mark will fall for Claire after all? What do you think? And do you think Donghyuck will finally manage to cut himself off from Lucas? :'( Poor baby really had to go through it all… I wanna hug him so bad!! TAT 
> 
> How have you guys been? How is quarantine, what have you found to entertain yourself? :3 I´m writing more than ever, but somehow I still feel like I´m not getting anything done OTL Idk what to tell you guys, nothing new has happened hahahaha! I just try to live healthy and keep my sanity afloat in those crazy times! I´m also looking to build myself a bit of a writer/reader community on Twitter, so if you´re either of those, always feel free to text me! 
> 
> ALSO! I made an official artwork for the Pink Sweater fic and you can now find it on my Twitter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They´re going on a trip, in their favourite rocket ship –> Cue the homosexual crisis lmao XD 
> 
> Good to have you back lovely reader! Hopefully this chapter will give you another round of emotions and a home, as much as it did for me <3

"And remember to bring all the notes we did on the topic in the last couple of classes." The science teacher yells over the class's chatter, "You'll get assignments throughout the trip, it's not just fun and games."

A collective whine goes through the students and Mark can't suppress a sigh himself. He had completely forgotten about the excursion the school had planned for their science class this year. Apparently last year, the class above them went to a cool waterpark, to learn about underwater species. Now, Mark is not someone to complain easily, but their class is shit out of luck this year. Their teacher had come up with the brilliant idea of dragging roughly thirty-six students to a big cabin somewhere in the mountains, with no electricity and no heating. All there is is running water and the call of nature.

For five days.

The students are supposed to learn about surviving in the wild; deciphering eatable plants from poisonous ones, gathering techniques for finding water sources and learning how to build their own sheds. Fun stuff like that. Mark isn't sure when any one of them is ever going to need a skill like that in their life, unless they decide to take part in one of those reality-TV shows, where people get send into the jungle naked. Then again, others have already tried to change their teachers mind on his plans and Mark doubts he is going to be the one to succeed.

He throws Jaemin, who sits right next to him a sceptical look, the only one of his friend circle he shares the class with. Donghyuck, Renjun, Claire and Jeno all ended up in their parallel class, Jisung and Chenle are one year bellow. The only other familiar face around is Jinseon, but to be honest, since they met at the beach they haven't really talked much with each other. There seems to be some kind of tense silence between her and Jaemin and Mark isn't familiar enough with her to get involved in that.

Jaemin meanwhile has dropped his forehead on his desk, making a pained expression. Mark is relieved he is at least not the only one who is a little less enthusiastic about the whole thing.

"Now, we'll probably be taking a bus, since it comes the cheapest and we can reach the cabin the most direct. The ride will take around five hours, so if you get sick easily, please do tell me and I'll get permission to get motion-sickness medication for you." The teacher rambles on. Mark leans his chin on his palm and lets his gaze travel out of the window, "Between the bus stop and the cabin, we'll have to hike for an hour or two, so only pack the essentials, please."

The girl in front of Mark raises her hand, "Will there be freetime as well, or just assignments?"

As if he had seen the question coming from a mile, the teacher rolls his eyes, "There will be enough freetime for you guys to set the place on fire, don't worry. Assignments are all duty, but it's up to you how much time you take to complete them. If you work hard and get them done fast that means more time for you to use as you please."

"That might be the only delightful thing he said all day." Jaemin mutters.

Mark only hums in agreement and silently cheers the school bell on for drowning out the teacher's attempt of selling the students the trip as an amazing five-star experience. He shoulders his backpack and flees the room alongside the other students. From the other end of the hallway, their parallel class floods out of their own classroom. With a smile blooming on his face, Mark finds Claire and Donghyuck, their arms interlocked, as they chat and make their way towards the school entrance. He runs to catch up with them.

"Oh good, you're here." Donghyuck says, as Claire presses a kiss to his cheek. They unlock their arms and pull him between them, "I need your opinion on something, because this bitch doesn't understand the definition of fun."

"I just feel like all we'll get out of this are mosquito-bites and lice." Claire pouts.

Mark lifts a brow, putting his arm around Claire's shoulders, "Is this about the trip?"

"Donghyuck is the only one in our entire year, who thinks this is going to be fun."

Looking at Donghyuck, the boy has his chin high, "Yet, you all refuse to make bets with me. You're scared I'm gonna be right." Then he gives them a strict glare, "Look, we'll just have to bring the right equipment to make it fun, hm?"

It takes a second for Mark to make the connection, but his eyes widen when he does: "You want to bring alcohol?"

"Look at him. You're still such a kindergartner." Donghyuck teases him, "Everyone brings what they think will be fun, I didn't say anything about alcohol."

"Although I'm pretty sure Jaemin has enough space in his red bomber jacket to hide like four tequila bottles." Claire says and the words make Donghyuck cackle.

"I remember when he did that." He says, "He tried to smuggle them into a family park for us. The fun was over when he ran into a pole and one of them broke." 

Mark rolls his eyes skywards, "I thought this was a joke."

"No joke", Claire shakes her head, "We had to take him to the hospital because of all the glass shards and were banned from the family park forever. I think he still has a scar from that time."

"Miraculously though, the jacket got out alive." Donghyuck grins.

They continue their way out of school, Donghyuck and Mark accompanying Claire to the bus stop. Donghyuck makes gagging noises when they exchange kisses as a good-bye, but he looks happy about how good they're working together. Once Claire has departed, the two boys make their way home. It's cloudy today, but still warm enough that Mark doesn't freeze. He does wonder how Donghyuck is surviving in his loose shorts and T-shirt. When the boy pulls up his shoulders at a harsh wave of wind, Mark stops short and puts his backpack down on the ground. He brushes off his waistcoat and hands it to Donghyuck.

The boy frowns at him in confusion. "Just take it." Mark says, "I don't need the only person who actually _wants_ to go on that trip to get sick."

Laughing to himself, Donghyuck thanks him and takes the black waistcoat. It's as loose on him as it is on Mark, but somehow, where it looks normal on Mark it makes Donghyuck look small and cute. Mark tries to imagine Claire in his clothes. She would look cute too, for sure.

"I don't know why you all are so dead-set on hating this trip-idea." Donghyuck says, seriously, "I mean, how cool? Five days with your bros and hoes, with _one_ teacher, who can not possibly keep an eye on every single student at the same time. Nature, wherever you look. Just being cut off from all the bullshit down here for a while, no annoying people, no monitoring parents, no one except us! If only Chenle and Jisung were a year older, they could come with us, too."

Sighing, Mark kicks the ground a little as he walks, "Is Lucas giving you shit?"

It's been five days ever since that incident and while Donghyuck looked a lot more freed and happy, he also seemed to be more on his tiptoes nowadays. Mark fears it's because Lucas is still terrorizing him, still coming around to pick him up. He hasn't seen the tall man yet, but that doesn't mean Donghyuck hasn't. Donghyuck still refuses to call the police, for what reason, Mark isn't sure. Therefore, the maniac is still out, on his feet and no one knows what he is up to.

"He called a couple of times." Donghyuck admits, "Texted me, too. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and he took it... well, he took it very chill. I don't know what to think about it, the reaction seems so suspicious." He kicks at a rock in their path, "He's usually so intense. You remember how he could be, when I only showed a hint of wanting to disagree."

Mark thinks back to a couple of weeks ago, when they had wanted to get cotton candy together. How unflinching Lucas had been in his _demand_ to have Donghyuck for himself then. So much, that Mark hadn't even been able to be mad at Donghyuck. He had only felt sorry and worried.

"It does sound a little unusual." Mark admits, "Let's make this a regular thing. Walking home together."

Donghyuck chuckles, "What, you're gonna be my bodyguard now?"

"If you want to put it that way."

They chat some more about the trip and a little bit about one of Chenle's new videogames, until they finally stop in their street. As always, Donghyuck sends him off with a tight hug. It's nothing unusual at this point, Donghyuck is a touchy person and they have grown so close, Mark would consider Donghyuck his best friend by now. Yet, he can't seem to get used to it. The warmth, the smell of lavender and smoke... it's just always new, in a strange sort of way. He grins at Donghyuck, as he runs up to his house, before going inside himself.

When he opens the door, a Lionel Richie album is playing in the kitchen, so he assumes his mother is home. No one else in this household would listen to that album voluntarily. He hesitates at the doorstep. After all this time, he still has yet to talk to his mom and confront her about the bills. They have both kept their distance, Mark more so than her. To be honest, he doesn't even remember the last time they have had a conversation beyond a greeting or a 'goodnight'. He isn't sure if he wants to change that now, though.

Toeing off his shoes, he carefully walks into the living room and glances through the door to the kitchen. It's empty and he frowns.

"Well, look who it is." He jumps and turns around, to find his mom emerge from the downstairs-bathroom, "I almost thought you moved out."

Mark laughs awkwardly, "Nope, still bumming my life-support from my family."

She snorts and presses a kiss to his forehead, before she pushes past him into the kitchen, "Well, lucky for you we have more than enough for everyone."

"Do we, though?" He can't help it. The statement, although innocent, has hit him the wrong way.

With a sigh, his mom leans against the counter and fixes him with a serious look, "Okay, what's gotten into you lately?"

"What?"

"You're always somewhere else. Which is fine, trust me I remember what it felt like at your age, when your own four walls become too familiar. But you leave at the crack of dawn for school and most of the time you come home when all of us are asleep." She says, shoulders pulled up, "Your brother mentioned that you're not sleeping either. I just... I get worried. I feel like I barely even know what's going on in your life anymore and when I try to approach you, you get so closed off."

All Mark can do is stand there and hold himself back from screaming out in annoyance. Now she is accusing him for acting weird? The irony makes a bitter taste spread in his mouth.

"I get closed off?" Mark scoffs, "Well, I guess if that's what I am, then you're getting a taste of your own medicine now."

His mother frowns and for the first time in his life, Mark sees the easy warmth in her gaze dim, "Are you being serious right now? Why are you acting like this?"

"Because you tell me I don't talk to you, when you literally keep secrets from me on the daily!" He shouts. All the pent up anger, which he thought he had gotten over is bubbling up again. It makes his skin crawl, burns his lungs and closes his throat until he feels tears in his eyes, "You're telling me off for not talking to you when all you do is lie! And on top of that you lie about something that concerns me just as much as you! Taeyong as well, did you tell him?"

His mother lifts her hands in frustration, "I really don't know what you're getting at, Mark, this is ridiculous."

"The fucking debts, mom!" Mark shouts out and his mother flinches. So she realizes now. However, he is too much on a roll to consider the sadness that suddenly crosses her face, "You thought I wouldn't find out? God, I was hoping so desperately that you'd decide to tell us, but you never did! You kept this to yourself, without any regard on how it will affect us! You're selfish, mom, a selfish liar!"

He can't do this anymore. Without waiting for her to answer, he turns away and storms upstairs to his room. His mom is calling his name, obviously harvesting a fire of her own in her chest, but he doesn't listen. All of his thoughts are painted red and he can't seem to catch his breath. The tears are burning in the corners of his eyes, but he refuses to let them go. She doesn't deserve them.

With his sight blurry and his mind all over the place, Mark almost runs square into a figure, as soon as he reaches the top of the stairs. He is wholeheartedly prepared to shove past his brother with a half-hearted apology, when he realizes the person is not Taeyong. It's a man as well, but he is just a tad shorter and instead of Taeyong's dark hair, his head is covered in a wild mess of red-dyed strands. He is wearing one of Taeyong's sweatshirts though, so Mark thinks that might be why he had confused him with his brother.

"Who the fuck are you?" It just kind of slips out of Mark's mouth, the remaining anger gushing out at this poor dude.

However, the other doesn't seem very hurt by the words and only raises a surprised brow, "I'm Taeil. You must be Taeyong's brother."

"Oh Taeil, yeah-" Mark scrambles, "I'm sorry that came out really mean I didn't mean to– I just had–"

"I know." Taeil nods and gives him a tight smile, "Don't worry about it."

Feeling guilty, Mark scratches the back of his neck and says: "It's very nice to finally meet you. Taeyong talks a lot about you."

A small grin tugs at Taeil's lips that Mark can't make certain sense of, "Does he? How nice." Then, he lifts his hand and ruffles Mark's hair, "It's good to meet you, too, kid."

And with that, he pushes into Taeyong's room. A soft tune sounds from inside and Mark only gets a short glimpse at his brother sitting on his bed and writing something on his notepad, before the door closes. With a deep sigh, Mark finally disappears in his room. He doesn't even have the energy to smash anything anymore, as he would have liked to do a minute ago. There is just a heavy wave of regret flushing the emptiness against his shore. It had been a while, since he felt it the last time. He didn't miss it, but something about the familiarity is comforting. The bed creaks as he lets himself fall on his back.

Staring at his ceiling doesn't calm his shaking fingers though, so he gets up again and opens a window to light one of his last cigarettes. The calming burn of the smoke swallows the rage in his chest and gives him the chance to breathe it out with each drag. Instinctively, his eyes hush to Donghyuck's window. Should he call him? Ask him if he could stay the night over at his house? Mark could just climb out of the window, crawl across the roof of their entrance and let himself down without anyone noticing. With a start, he notes how Donghyuck's window opens in that exact moment.

He doesn't seem to have noticed Mark, because his gaze stays fixed on the sky, even as he lights up a cigarette of his own. The pink fabric around his shoulders catches Mark's attention and despite everything, he smiles. Donghyuck wears the sweater, even though no one will see it. He wears it for himself – has changed into it, Mark knows that for a fact, because he was wearing something completely different the whole day.

A knock on his door makes him turn around. Thinking it's his mom he shouts: "Go away."

"It's me." Taeyong's meek voice sounds through the door.

Mark's eyes stare at the doorhandle for a moment, heart unsure, but then he says: "Okay, come in."

When Taeyong does, it's with care in his movements. Mark feels like a deer, being approached. It makes him feel a little ashamed of his reaction. Maybe, he had acted a little overdramatic, but what the hell is he supposed to do when his mom hurts him like this? He refuses to just sit there, forgive her and pretend like nothing happened.

"Well, that explains where all my cigarettes went." Taeyong teases him and Mark can only give him an apologetic look, "Let me have one, I bought them after all."

A little surprised, Mark hands him the package and Taeyong joins him at his window, leaning against the frame. It's such a strange sight – seeing his brother do something so mundane. Usually, everything he does is purposeful and productive. Yet, he looks absolutely at ease, breathing out smoke and tapping the edge of his cigarette against the window-frame.

"Won't your guest be upset that I'm taking up your precious time?" Mark mumbles, eyes averted out of the window.

"He'll have to wait, nothing is more important than my brother." Taeyong says, surprising Mark once more with the seriousness in his voice, "What's going through your head Sonny? Taeil says he heard you and mom yell. Did you fight?"

Swallowing down his anger at the memory, Mark takes a moment to answer, "Did you know about the debts?"

"Debts?"

So he didn't. Honestly, Mark almost thought his mom would have told Taeyong. He is the responsible one. There is even less reason to keep this from him than to keep it from Mark. Although Taeyong doesn't look as put off by being lied to, as Mark feels.

"We're behind in rent and owing money to the bank. I got angry, because she didn't tell us." Mark mutters, watching his brother's reaction from under his lashes.

Taeyong only sighs, still the calm in person. His chest rises and falls slowly, with another drag of smoke, "I'm sure she had her reasons."

"So, you're taking her side on this?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side." His dark eyes fix Mark with a million hidden thoughts, "I get why you're angry. I'm a little disappointed, too, but we have to trust mom, Mark."

Scoffing, Mark snuffs out his cigarette against the window-frame, "Trust her after she lied to us for several months? Yeah, very logical."

"That's not what I mean." Taeyong's jaw clenches, "Look, after dad... left, she took care of us all on her own. She worked several jobs, cooked for us and cared for us. All she ever wanted was for you and me to grow up happy, even without a father. And fuck... I didn't make it easy for her, but she was always patient." Mark's eyes widen, when Taeyong curses and his shoulders suddenly slump.

"Dad wouldn't have lied to us." Mark mumbles, eyes downcast on his lap.

"No, because Dad decided to leave." Taeyong's gaze darkens and for a moment he almost looks... angry. Properly angry, in a way Mark had never seen on him before, "Wherever he is right now, he probably doesn't waste a thought on us. I get you're angry, but Dad was a coward, Mark. Mom is the hero."

He watches his brother take another drag of his cigarette, before flicking it out of the window easily, "I thought you missed him."

"I do. So much." Taeyong straightens himself and there, in his gaze is more regret than Mark had expected, "But that doesn't change the fact that he is an asshole."

Wordlessly, he pulls Mark into a warm hug. For a moment, the emptiness takes a hold on his chest, but Taeyong's arms around him and the steady beating of his heart against his ear lock it out. He can't keep from crying silently into his brother's chest, but Taeyong doesn't seem to mind. His fingers card through his younger brother's hair, as he holds him as well as he can. Even when Taeyong picks him up and puts him on his bed, to wrap him up in his blankets, Mark can't stop crying. It's a steady and quiet stream of tears, that cool on his cheeks, despite Taeyong's repeated efforts to wipe them away. It takes him an eternity to fall unconscious, but his brother sits on the edge of his bed all through it.

\--*--

The weekend is the first one in a while that is absolute hell. When was the last time he had looked forward to school starting again? Right, never. Now though, that Mark can't even look his mother in the eye and Taeyong is only fidgeting back and forth between the two of them, there is nothing Mark would welcome more than an excuse to leave this house. He manages to evacuate to Renjun's place for saturday, even though Maya is there too and Mark feels like a third-wheeler. On sunday, he manages to convince Claire to meet him in a park nearby and they hang out peacefully.

Donghyuck stays off the radar, mostly because Mark hasn't told him anything about the whole deal. He isn't sure why he is keeping this from his best friend, but somehow he can't bring himself to text or call. The last time they had talked about families, Donghyuck had adamantly defended both Taeyong and his mom and it had only served to make Mark feel insecure about his principles. Maybe, that's the reason he fears telling this to Donghyuck. There is a high risk that the younger could convince him he is wrong and Mark will admit that he is too stubborn to let that happen.

So, he waits it out. Taeyong actually sneaks him a cigarette pack, making him promise he won't smoke more than five over the weekend. Even though he walks out of the room, mumbling something about being 'the worst big brother ever'. It's a compromise and Mark thinks he can live with it. 

On sunday evening, as he packs his things for the school trip, his phone rings on the nightstand. As he picks it up, the selfie he took with Donghyuck lights up his screen and he smiles to himself, before he picks up.

He doesn't even get to greet Donghyuck, before he asks: "As my personal wardrobe assistent, I need your opinion; Should I risk taking my white 'jaws' hoodie or do you think it's going to be violated?"

"Well, we _are_ in the middle of nature", Mark clamps his phone between his ear and shoulder, "If you really really like the hoodie, I'd leave it at home."

Donghyuck hums, the sound of fabric rustling in the background, "Alright, I'm sorry babe, looks like you'll have to stay home. Now, what about pyjamas? I have those really cute, blue sleeping shorts, but they're like- originally for women. Do you think that will give me away?"

Mark tries to not get distracted with the image that produces itself in his mind, "Uh... Well, we're rooming in pairs apparently, so, I guess depends on who you're rooming with."

"Who I'm rooming with? You, dummy." Donghyuck states matter of factly.

"R-really?"

A giggle cracks through the line, "Well, we're only allowed same-sex roomates and that scratches Claire out of the equation. (Sorry boo). Means I'm rooming with my _other_ best friend."

Mark's heart swells so much, he fears it could just crack his ribcage open, "Okay. Sounds nice."

"Unless you want to room with Renjun." Donghyuck's meek voice says.

Mark hesitates. Ugh, he had completely forgotten about that. He rakes his brain for a solution, "Wasn't there a three-person room in the attic?"

"Uh, yeah but we're going to freeze our ass off there." It's the first time Donghyuck doesn't sound very excited about a part of the trip, "The teacher said it's the coldest room in the entire hut and _optional_ to be occupied."

"But, we could...?" With a heavy feeling, Mark sits down on his bed, "I don't wanna leave Renjun on his own, Hyuck. We know Jeno's gonna be with Jaemin and YangYang isn't coming because of his cold."

Donghyuck sighs into the speaker and Mark can vividly imagine him standing in the middle of his room, with a thoughtful pout on his lips, "Okay, I guess if we all zip our sleeping bags together, it'll be fine."

"Really?" Mark gasps.

"Of course, how could I say no to you?" The words are soft and Mark is glad Donghyuck can't see his red ears through the phone, "Can you text him? Someone needs to be extra early, so that we can reseve the room. Even though I doubt anyone else would want it, but you never know."

Mark hums his agreement, before getting up again to resume his packing, "So, back to the shorts-question..."

A short silence later, Donghyuck breathes out a chuckle, "Honestly, if it's just Renjun, I'll pack them."

"You wouldn't mind if he found out?"

"Strangely enough..." Donghyuck mumbles, "No."

Mark does a little dance of success then, once more very relieved that Donghyuck can't see him, "By the way, Hyuck?"

"What?"

"Can you pack the sweater?" Mark asks.

This time the silence is more disbelieving than anything else, "You have got to be kidding me, you little shit. I'm hanging up."

Laughing his ass off, Mark allows Donghyuck to retreat and puts his phone down. He can't stop smiling for the rest of the night after that. Honestly, though, he hopes that Donghyuck does pack the pink sweater.

\--*--

On Monday, Taeyong is the one to drive Mark and Donghyuck to the meeting place for the excursion. Neither Donghyuck's parents nor Mark's mom had been able to make the time to drive them, but honestly neither of them minds. Taeyong keeps the embarrassing childhood stories to himself for once and allows the two boys to blast whatever music they have on their phone for the whole car ride. Mark doesn't miss the worried glances he receives every now and then, but he doesn't want his brother to think he can't handle himself, so he always answers with a soft smile.

Once they drive into the parking lot where a couple of busses are already scattered, Taeyong turns off the stereo and fixes them both with a stern look, "Now, I know neither of you has a clean slate here, so there is no point in telling you to not get in trouble. However, I swear to god, if you get caught and I have to pick you up from fucking neverland, I will personally destroy you both."

"Deal, handsome big brother." Donghyuck smirks.

Taeyong rolls his eyes, "Very funny Donghyuck. Seriously though, whatever you do that I can't stop you from doing; Don't get caught and don't hurt yourself, deal?"

"It's a generous offer, so deal." Mark shakes his hand with a serious expression.

Together, they exit the car and begin unloading their luggage from the boot. Mark can already see a couple of familiar faces around the crowd and he smiles, when Renjun approaches them. Maya is nowhere in sight though and now that he thinks about it, Mark doesn't think he has ever seen her in school. Maybe, she goes to a different one?

Taeyong grins widely, when he sees Renjun and pulls him into a half-hug, "Junnie, it's been a while since I last saw you."

"Ah yes, I'm sorry I don't come around anymore." Renjun apologizes.

"Hey baby."

Mark perks up and turns around, only to have a pair of lips fall square on his own. Claire looks up at him with the most excited grin, her arms tight around his waist. He can't help but smile back at her, feeling everyone's eyes on them. Donghyuck is too busy pulling his backpack free from the stuffed car. Somehow that eases Mark's nerves a little and he isn't sure why.

"Uhm, excuse me?" Taeyong's brows are furrowed in confusion, "Since when is this a thing?"

"Ah, sorry!" Mark shakes his head, "Taeyong, this is Claire. Claire, this is Taeyong, my brother."

"Oh, so is she the one you've been talking about?" Taeyong's eyes light up and before Mark can stop him, he turns to Claire, "My little bro racked his brain on how to approach you. He was so scared of confessing, but I'm glad it worked out. Why didn't you tell me you had such a gorgeous girlfriend, now?"

Mark honestly feels like hammering his head against the nearest surface, preferably a solid one, "Uh... she is not the one I was talking about."

For a moment, his brother looks taken aback, then there is an uncomfortable, apologetic expression on his face, "Right... Well, either way, I'm glad you guys worked something out."

Claire is looking back and forth between them with a little frown, but she only nods her head at Taeyong, "I'm glad to meet you, Mark talks a lot about you."

"Does he now?" Back is the confident little grin that Mark can't stand.

Rolling his eyes, he joins Donghyuck in trying to free his trunk from the boot. The younger boy gives him an amused look, but against Mark's expectations, he doesn't start teasing him. They all travel towards their assigned bus and shove the backpacks in the storage space, before gathering in front of the door. Jaemin is already seated inside, waving at them from behind the windows.

Just then, Jinseon steps out of a car nearby and approaches them with an excited little wave. Mark has learned in all his years to get annoyed with how everyone's gaze immediately travels to his brother, but this time, it's almost like she has been looking for him. Except for the light surprise in her eyes, she seems like this had been the moment she had been waiting for all her life.

"Who is the halfgod?" She asks, with a grin.

Taeyong frowns in confusion and gives an awkward laugh. Seriously, considering how many girlfriends he had, Mark would have expected he knows how to handle a situation like this with a little more swag.

"I'm Taeyong. Mark's brother." He answers.

With a hum, Jinseon steps a little closer, a daring index-finger sliding over Taeyong's chest, "Hm, Guess Mark's family has some damn good genes."

Donghyuck fake-gags and Taeyong clears his throat, gently pushing her hand away, "I think I should get going." He pulls Mark into a last, tight hug, "Take care, Sonny." Mark is thankful that he says it quietly enough, for no one else to hear. It would be embarrassing, but he loves hearing it. To everyone's surprise, he gives Donghyuck a hug as well, before he awkwardly dodges Jinseon's outstretched arms and wanders back to the car.

Mark chuckles at his brother, but as his gaze travels to the bus windows, his heart sinks a little. Jaemin is watching them, wearing a dark frown. So, there is something going on between him and Jinseon after all, Mark should have known. Should he question Jaemin about it? He makes a mental note to talk to Donghyuck. If anyone knows how to deal with a situation like this, it would be him. Considering everything, Donghyuck probably noticed their behaviour as well.

"Shall we?" Jinseon asks and steps into the bus, without waiting for an answer.

All of them exchange equally confused looks, before following the girl inside the bus. Most seats are already occupied, but Jaemin had taken it upon himself to reserve the full expanse of the last row, by spreading Jeno's body across the surface. He complains about the seatbelts digging into his back, but when everyone thanks them, he still looks pleased with himself. Donghyuck calls dibs on the window seat and, while Mark is very tempted to take up the one on the other side as well, he can't pass up sitting next to his best friend. Claire easily slides into the seat on his other side and Renjun takes the window seat, with Jeno in between them. Jaemin sacrifices himself and sits one row ahead, next to another girl that they share classes with. He seems oblivious about the instant effect he has on her, making her blush and adjust her hair over and over again. But Jinseon isn't; throwing him dark stares over her shoulder every now and then.

Mark leans his head back with a sigh. Hopefully their little dispute won't get in the way of everyone's harmony. It's obvious that some would take Jaemin's side and some would take Jinseon's, but he doesn't know what would happen if their group was threatened to get seperated. Honestly, he doesn't even want to think about it.

"You don't get sick easily, right?" Donghyuck suddenly asks him, fidgeting as he tries to adjust his limbs into a permanently comfortable position.

"No?"

With a smile, Donghyuck boops his nose, "Good. Don't have to worry about getting puked on."

"Will you let it go?" Jeno suddenly leans forward, "I puked on you _once_ and that was because I was _drunk._ "

Claire throws her head back and laughs, "Yeah, but your aim couldn't have been better."

"You know, I loved that shirt." Donghyuck pouts, "A limited edition... and Depeche Mode Merch of all things!"

Laughing, Mark props his knees up against the seat in front of him and listens to his friends bicker and retell old stories. Sometimes he forgets that he hasn't known them as long as they have known each other. On top of that, he hasn't known them that long in general. What has it been now? A couple of months? Yet, they feel like a perfectly oiled machine and Mark doesn't think he has ever felt like he belonged anywhere so much. Sure, Chenle, Jisung and Renjun had always been his home but this... he feels like his youth has begun to bloom ever since he met Donghyuck. He goes out, experiences heartbreak and love and does all of the irresponsible things that teenagers are supposed to do, just to learn from their mistakes and grow up.

Claire's hand slips in his and her head settles on his shoulder. On his other side, Mark interlocks his and Donghyuck's hands as well. The boy grins at him and leans his head against the window pane.

After a good ten minutes of waiting and listening to the teacher parade about how they are almost adults and should act appropriately to their age, the bus finally sets into motion. Claire is out like a light after a while, even despite Jeno, Renjun and Jaemin playing UNO like the world is about to end. Just when Mark contemplates going to sleep as well, Donghyuck hands him one of his earphones. With a grateful smile, he puts it in and lets Donghyuck fill his world with music.

Considering Mark never sees Donghyuck use his earphones much, he does have _a lot_ of music to choose from. It's a little like a rollercoaster, with all the different moods and styles, but Mark thinks that every song fits anyways. He hums and allows his head to fall on Donghyuck's shoulder.

Somewhere along the way he must have dozed off after all, because when Donghyuck shakes him awake three hours later, they are literally in the middle of nowhere. Trees stretch high in the air around them and the street that the bus had travelled so far, ends where they are parked. Most students appear to have slept through the whole ride, because there is a combination of heavy eyelids and scrunched up noses on each of their faces. Mark lets Claire pull him out of the bus.

At least it's warm outside. The sun is out and there is a refreshing element to the air, so far up in the wilderness. Each of them shoulder their big backpacks and gather around the teacher. He has positioned himself in front of a large, slim statue that makes everyone frown in confusion. Right behind the statue, a slim hiking trail curls in-between the woods.

"Always remember to look out for your other classmates and drink water from time to time, we'll be en route for a while." He is entirely too cheerful for the whole class, but everyone agrees anyways.

"Something about this thing confuses me." Donghyuck says, stepping in front of the statue.

Renjun hums, passing him by, "Probably because it looks like a worm and a lion had a baby."

"Isn't it supposed to be a forest spirit?" Jinseon asks, eyes skimming the sign that has been set up in front of the wooden thing. 

"Doesn't it look a little like YangYang?" Mark asks.

Together, they build the end of their hiking group, stumbling through the forest. Their teacher apparently refuses to use the maps on his phone and carries a paper map in his hands instead. Mark just hopes he doesn't get them lost. The only thing that could be worse than sleeping in a house without light, heating or warm water would be to not sleep in a house at all. 

The hiking is less bad than expected. Surrounded by the fresh air and endless sea of green, Mark feels his head clear up for a little bit. He doesn't even mind that they have to constantly climb up steep paths and clearings. None of his friends seem to share his opinion on that, but they chat and laugh anyways, even if just to make time turn faster. Jinseon begins to complain about her shoulders halfway through and to everyone's silent surprise, Jaemin wordlessly takes the bag from her and carries it up the rest of the way. She seems a little sheepish at that and follows him in silence.

Somewhere, almost an hour into their walk, a shoulder bumps into his. He turns to find Claire, looking at him with a way too mischievous grin. Instinctively, Mark looks out for Donghyuck, but only finds him a few metres ahead, chatting to Renjun.

"So, I talked to Jinseon, since we're rooming together", Claire begins, "And she said she wouldn't mind switching rooms with you for the nights."

Mark frowns, "Isn't that like... not allowed?"

She throws her head back and laughs, "You're seriously too cute babe. No, it's not allowed, but we'll still do it."

"Why?"

Somehow, when he asks she looks a bit exasperated, "So that we at least get _some_ alone time together? Don't you want that?"

Does he want that? To be honest, the possibility just makes him nervous. He has been alone with Claire before, of course, but that always ended in... well, physical things. Ever since they came together they haven't had a day to just themselves and Mark feels a little bit fidgety. If they're boyfriend and girlfriend now, does that mean they have to... sleep with each other? Like Donghyuck did with Lucas, because he was his 'boyfriend'? It's not like he doesn't want to have sex with Claire he just... hadn't expected his first time to be with her. In his peripheral vision, Donghyuck laughs at something Renjun said and Mark wants to hit himself in the face.

"Of course I want that." He says gently, "B-but don't you think she's gonna feel awkward rooming with two boys? It's cold up there, so they'd have to sleep close, too."

Claire snorts, "Honestly, Jinseon has known Donghyuck almost as long as I have known him. And Renjun? Well... He'll be fine."

That answer is a bit meagre to Mark, but he lets it go. Renjun is grinning at Donghyuck, listening to the boy talk animatedly. Mark hopes that he'll be fine, because he knows how Renjun can get. Despite being easy around new people, there have always been so many insecurities beneath his skin. A little boy, who needed reassurance for everything he did and said, especially from his closest friends. Mark never minded giving said reassurance to him at all, but he fears that a situation like this might get to Renjun's head. At least, he knows Donghyuck will be there. And if anyone can take care of Renjun, it's him.

He slips his hand into Claire's and tells himself not to worry, "Alright. Sounds nice."

Humming happily, she squeezes his hand and they walk on. The cabin is surprisingly large and Mark can already see it from a far distance. Stark, bright wood, in the middle of a clearing. Behind it, the mountain stretches further in height and the path they had followed so far sneaks its way up the stone. Far in the distance, between thick clouds of mist, Mark sees a small dot, which must be the summit cross.

The students wait for a little, to listen to the teacher tell them about the rules and guidelines one last time, before they all storm inside. Donghyuck collects him with a wide grin and him, Mark and Renjun climb all the stairs, until they reach the top floor. There is only one door and as they push inside they gasp. The room is relatively small, but it looks huge, with the wide window that covers almost the entire opposite wall. It's shaped like a triangle, thanks to the slated roof, but it brightens up the place immensely. There are three naked mattresses and they hurry to shuffle them together, until they build one big bed.

Renjun happily falls on his back and spreads out like a star-fish, "You know, this could end up not being so bad."

"What did I tell you!" Donghyuck cheers and dumps his backpack at the foot of their mattress-mountain.

They gather back at the cabin's entrance door, as their teacher had requested. Apparently they are each to head out in teams, to collect ramsons for their dinner. Mark tries not to sigh, when everyone looks so excited about the idea. At least he isn't as tired after the hike, as he would have expected to be. They split up in teams and Mark ends up with Renjun, Claire and Donghyuck. Donghyuck plays leader, holding a picture of what the ramsons should look like in his hand and leading them into the forest with fresh enthusiasm.

Mark has to laugh, when he stumbles over a root, but regains his composure and yells: "All part of the experience!"

Maybe, Renjun shouldn't have decided to wear trainers for a five-day trip to the depths of the forrest, maybe, Mark shouldn't have forgotten the bugspray at home and maybe, Claire shoud have tied her head back, to not get it stuck on every single plant they pass. But their afternoon is filled with laughter and idiotic jokes anyways. Donghyuck has them all reeled in, in the end and Mark is pretty sure he knows that. There is no way any of them could say the trip sucked, if they gather memories like these.

Once the sun turns orange along the horizon, they decide it's time to head back. The amount of ramsons is pathetic, but at least they don't return empty-handed, like Jaemin and Jeno. Insteadm the two have brought a huge rock, which is shaped like a booty. They put it down at the cabin's entrance, because every good hotel needs an impressive statue at the entrance. When the students laugh at their antics, the teacher lets it slip that one time.

It's kind of wild; standing in a gas-kitchen with ten other teenagers and cutting and washing all the ramsons, to make soup out of it. They even cook it above a fire that some of the other students manage to put together. It tastes rather horrible, but Mark is entirely too spent to care.

Truth be told, once he is changed into his pyjamas and seated on the edge of their mattress, with the moon flooding the room, he doesn't really feel like changing rooms for the night. Donghyuck has his head rested on Renjun's chest, going through his phone as a teenager at his age does. Renjun's face is drenched in shadow, from the book he holds above his face. Honestly, Mark is just waiting for the moment he drops it and breaks his nose.

They look welcoming. They look like home. And while Mark knows Claire must feel like that too, as soon as he is with her, he feels a bit of remorse, when Jinseon knocks on their door, after the teacher has made his last round. Silent as a clumsy kid like him can be, Mark gets to his feet and says goodnight to his two friends. Both of them pout at him for leaving, which doesn't necessary make the seperation any easier. So what, maybe he does want to cuddle up in Donghyuck's arms and have Renjun hug him from the other side. That's normal, when you love someone as much as he loves them.

He tells himself that he wants to be with Claire just as much. Because, it's true. She is warm and soft, when he sneaks into her room. Her arms wrap around him, as if he was a teddy bear and it's nice. Maybe tomorrow, he can stay with his friends but today, he will enjoy being this close to his girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 
> So many things have happened :'D Taeyong´s dirt diary came to an end, [Philocalist](https://twitter.com/putputpotato/status/1332381997029879809?s=20) is finally coming and I moved Instagram accounts XD Yet, I haven´t gotten around to updating Pink Sweater for a ridiculously long amount of time OTL 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, as much as the other ones so far! It seems like Mark´s feelings are still as unreadable to himself as ever ,_, And how do you feel about the fight with his mom? Do you think he was in the right for being angry with her? 
> 
> How have you been?? What has been going on for you? Quarantine is really making me go crazy, I feel like I´m in an entirely different universe tbh, it´s sooo weird XD 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading another chapter! I´ll see you around soon! Love youuuu <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is more angst and feelings incoming!! In short: I love Donghyuck so frigging much and he deserves the world, both in this story and irl TT 
> 
> I hope you like crying with me!

"I take everything back I said yesterday." Renjun yawns, "I hate this."

All of them had been awoken at the crack of dawn, to prepare breakfast for themselves from oat flakes and water. Truth be told, Mark doesn't even know if he slept longer than an hour. For some reason it had been really hard for him to fall asleep, while Claire had drifted off in the first ten minutes. Just when his mind had finally settled, the knock on their door had already sounded.

"Jeno, how can you even eat that?" Jaemin asks, wearing a worried expression.

Their friend is giving them a confused look, shuffling another high spoon full of goo into his mouth, "It's really not that bad."

"At least one of us won't starve." Donghyuck says, dropping his spoon in his bowl. From the looks of his deep eye bags, it seems like he didn't get a lot of sleep either, "You have officially earned yourself the right to eat us all for the sake of survival, in case of an emergency."

"Do I even want to know what kind of emergency we're talking about right now?" Claire asks, brows furrowed.

"Probably not."

Once their breakfast is finished, the teacher splits them all up in groups of two this time. Mark ends up with Jaemin, which is rather lucky, considering Claire gets the over-achiever and Donghyuck the brainless stoner.

The teacher, with his always high spirits, tells them: "Now, there are two rivers, a small waterfall and a lake in our area. Based on what we have learned in class, I'd like all of you to locate the closest water source, you can find. Once you find them, bring a bottle of the water with you and we'll test it for different minerals! Depending on how long you take, the length of your freetime will be affected, so if you've got plans, you better hurry."

"Do you remember anything from that class?" Jaemin mumbles, when Mark and him begin to stumble into the woods.

Mark rakes his brain, "A couple of things. Let's just hope we don't get lost, while we try too hard."

They travel between the trees for a while. It's unexpectedly awkward, though. Mark knows he couldn't have expected too much of a connection between them, when they haven't talked that much yet. While Jaemin is certainly as much of a social butterfly as Donghyuck, Mark is still himself. That means awkward glances, the clearing of a throat every two minutes and silence that tickles the back of his neck.

"So, I see you and Claire finally got it on."

Stumbling over a rock, Mark regains his posture, "Uh, yeah... I suppose that's what you could call it."

Jaemin hums, "You got some action yet?"

"I- I don't think I want to talk about this-"

"So, no." The younger grins and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"What about you?" Mark fires back, on a wave of unexpected bravery, "What are you and Jinseon up to?"

Jaemin's gaze darkens, "There is no 'Me and Jinseon'. Not anymore."

"But there used to be!"

Sighing, Jaemin rubs the bridge of his nose, "You really hang around Donghyuck too much. Yes, there used to be."

"What happened?" Mark asks.

Avoiding a large tree, that had fallen over, Jaemin evades the question for a moment, "Nothing, it just... didn't work out."

Mark frowns, "But you like her?"

"I mean, yeah."

His frown deepens, "And she likes you?"

"She- Yes. I think so."

"That makes no sense!" Mark pouts, cursing softly, when he runs face-first into a tree branch, "She's a girl, you're a boy. You guys like each other. What couldn't work out?"

Jaemin fixes him with a stare that is so entirely out of character that Mark halts. He looks so disturbed by Mark's words, as if he can't believe they had just come out of his mouth. On top of it all, there is so much stone-cold hardness, entirely different from Jaemin's usually amused grin and mischievous eyes. Mark freezes, shoulders pulling up a little with worry. He had said something wrong.

"Are you serious right now? You think that's all that needs to work out for a relationship to work? Genitals?" Mark shrugs slowly and Jaemin rolls his eyes, obviously annoyed. It's not fair, Jaemin shouldn't be so offended by Mark's assumption, really. Not when his whole frustration, all his heartache, is courtesy of Donghyuck not being a girl. Everything would work so much easier, so much smoother, if one of them was a girl, Mark knows that. It's the only wall that stands between them, but it's one that he can't climb over, no matter how hard he tries. "Feelings, Mark. They didn't work out."

"But you just said you guys like each other!" 

Jaemin kicks a stick out of their way with unnecessary force, "Seriously Mark, are you a child? That's not enough, sometimes. Real love is never just that simple. It's frustrating, complicated and full of traps."

"Seriously, who hurt you." Mark mumbles to himself, before sighing. He refuses to acknowledge that this thing between him and Donghyuck has always been just that: Frustrating, complicated and full of traps. Why can't it be the way it is with Claire? No heartaches, no mean boyfriends, no judgement because of their gender. When he is with Claire, everyone feels like it's completely normal, except Mark, "Alright, if it wasn't the interest that failed, what else could be important enough?"

Suddenly, Jaemin shrinks in on himself. Mark is sure he has overstepped the line and he is just about to take his question back, when the boy mutters: "I just wasn't ready to... you know..."

Mark frowns, "Have sex?"

"No! God no, not in a million years." Narrow shoulders fall with frustration and Jaemin runs a hand through his hair, "I couldn't... I wasn't able to commit to it."

Humming, Mark mulls over the words in his head, "You didn't want to be her boyfriend?"

"No, I did! I mean-..." Jaemin stops in his tracks, seemingly unable to move anymore, "I've just... never been in a relationship before. That shit is _scary,_ man. What if I mess it all up?"

Mark steps up to him, "What if you don't?"

"Huh?"

"What if everything could go super duper smooth, but you're denying yourself all of it?" He doesn't know where this optimism is coming from, but maybe it's connected to the jealousy in his heart. The jealousy at knowing that Jaemin could have it so much easier than him, if he stopped making it complicated.

Mark's hand clenches into a fist. What if _he_ is actually the one making things complicated?

A hand on his shoulder wake him from his stupor. Jaemin still doesn't look entirely convinced, but there is a small smile on his lips that wasn't there before. "You're pretty naive dude", He says and Mark pouts, "but maybe that's what I need at the moment. Come on, let's find that damn river and go back."

\--*--

When the two of them finally make it back to the cabin, the sun has already crossed the top of the sky and their stomachs feel like black holes. Apparently they are the last ones who made it back too, but that's hardly their fault. No, it's entirely to blame on their shitty navigation, because they got lost a good amount of times, before and after finding the river.

Claire runs towards them with a happy grin and falls around Mark's neck, as soon as he is in reach. From over her shoulder, he can see Donghyuck follow her down to greet them too. There is a fond expression on his face, but somehow it seems a little wonky. Is he drunk?

"You didn't start partying without us, did you?" He murmurs, his chin propped on Claire's head.

She gives him an incredulous arch of the eyebrow, "With the professor still up and about? We're not amateurs."

Not drunk, then. Hm... Hopefully he is okay. Jaemin drapes himself over Donghyuck's giggling frame, complaining about how hungry he is and how his feet ache. Donghyuck, good natured as he is, strokes his face and babies him, until they reach the doorway of the cabin. Jaemin makes a beeline for the kitchen, but before Mark can follow him, Claire pulls him aside.

"I need to show you something." She chuckles and leads him to one of the small windows towards the back of the house.

Outside, there is a wide stretch of lawn, high and untamed. Some of the students have settled there and between two of them, Mark can see their teacher as well. However, what Claire seemed to be so excited to show him are Renjun and Jeno. They are seated cross-legged, opposite to each other and with their knees touching. Between their fingers they are knotting together small daisies and bright yellow dandelions, into flowercrowns. Mark can't help himself but coo at his friends. Renjun looks so happy, looping his flowers between the grass pieces, Mark is reminded of when they were little children on the playground. Jeno is just watching him, a small smile on his lips.

"They're bonding." Claire squeals, "Finally!"

"Finally?" Mark asks, as they travel on to the kitchen.

She gives him a surprised look, "They were so awkward around each other! This is like a rip in the Matrix. You never noticed?"

"No." Mark scratches the back of his neck. He must have been so caught up in his head that he didn't even notice. Either way, he is glad that they are getting along after all.

"Seriously Mark", Claire laughs, poking his chest with a finger, "Are you even paying attention?"

A bit of warmth creeps up his neck, "You're just distracting."

She scrutinizes him with squinted eyes for a moment, but there is a bit more colour to her cheeks, "You smooth little shit."

Before Mark can respond, she has him pulled down into a kiss. It takes him aback a bit, but he kisses back as well as he can. When Claire moves to deepen the kiss, he almost panics a little, but a throat clears next to them and they pull apart. Donghyuck stands in the doorway of the kitchen, nose scrunched up in disgust and Mark immediately wants to sink into the floor.

"You guys can't wait until after lunch to get freaky?" He asks and Claire laughs, hiding her face in Mark's chest.

They follow Donghyuck into the kitchen and sit around the small table there. At least the potatosalad is better than the breakfast desaster. They eat and chat for a while, until Jaemin suddenly shrieks. He is holding his elbow, trying to look at the back of his upper arm. At first Mark thinks he got a splinter, but then he sees what Jaemin sees and winces. A tick.

"Oh shit, it's eating me!! Pull it out, pull it out!"

Claire catches his hand, before he can wipe at it, "Cut it out, you idiot. If you rip it off, the head stays in, did you never pay attention in class?"

There are honest to god, little tears in Jaemin's eyes, "I don't care, oh my god Claire, please get it out!!"

Sighing, Claire takes his arm and pulls him up, "I have a pair of tweezers in my bag, come on you big baby."

Mark watches them leave with a pained expression. Maybe he should check for ticks too, just in case. When his eyes travel back to Donghyuck, he stops. The boy doesn't even seem to have noticed the showdown in front of him. His eyes are fixed on his bowl, spoon listlessly pushing the content back and forth. There is a worried furrow to his brows, too. So, Mark had been right, there is something on his mind.

He shuffles and ditches his chair, in favour of sitting in Jaemin's empty spot on the bench. Donghyuck sighs and lets the spoon be, leaning back against the cabin's wall. Truth be told, Mark is a little at a loss. So far, it had always been Donghyuck coaxing the words out of his mind. Apart from the incident with Lucas, it had also always been Donghyuck who comforted him, not the other way around. God knows though, Mark had been waiting for a chance to give something back, so he will do what feels right.

His arm comes around Donghyuck's shoulders, pulling him into an uncomfortable half-hug, squeezed in the space between the wall and the table. Donghyuck eases into it immediately, though, so he assumes it's a good first step. Gently, he buries his nose in Donghyuck's hair, enhales his familiarity and strokes his arm in slow motions.

"You okay Hyuck?" He murmurs finally.

Donghyuck sighs, "Yeah, I just–..." Instead of speaking further, he unlocks his phone and types around on it for a moment. Then, he hands it to Mark.

It only takes him a moment to recognize the small profile picture in the top corner. It's Jisung's contact, a selfie of him with Mark and Chenle about to beat the shit out of each other in the background. He has had that profile picture for a good year now. There is a bit of conversation above, sweet exchanges about school and the trip. Then, at some point, Mark notices that Donghyuck didn't answer anymore, so that's where he begins to read.

**Jisungie:** Hyung, I wanted to ask you something

**Jisungie:** Don't get scared okay?

**Jisungie:** Do you want to go on a date with me?

**Jisungie:** As in, a romantic date? I could take you out for ice cream.

**Jisungie:** Do boys like this kind of thing, too? I don't know.

**Jisungie:** I've just never been with a guy before and you're the only gay boy I know. So, I was hoping you could help me figure myself out a bit? I've just been very confused.

**Jisungie:** Maybe, I could kiss you? And if I like it, we could go on more dates! :D

**Jisungie:** Anyways, let me know if you'd like ice cream <3 Miss u!

Mark slowly puts the phone down. There is a thick, burning lump in his throat and to his own astonishment, his eyes are stinging with tears. God, what did Jisung think? Doesn't he realize what he sounds like? Donghyuck is shaking a little in his arms and he immediately puts the phone on the table and squeezes his best friend a little tighter. Little hands are clawing at his biceps and then, Donghyuck begins to outright sob into his shoulder.

Feeling his heart shatter, Mark whispers: "I'm sorry Hyuck... He- He didn't know what he was saying. Jisung would never-..." He breaks himself off, knowing that whatever he was about to say would be pointless.

"Am I really just that?" Donghyuck hiccups, "Is this what I'm alive for? Being other people's dumb, secret fantasy. Is satisfying others all I'm good for?"

With his eyes wide, Mark cups Donghyuck's face in his hands, directing him to lock their gazes, "Hyuck, no! Don't say stuff like that- don't even think it. You're so, so much more than that. You're a light in people's life, an anchor, a rolemodel, you're happiness Hyuck." He feels his own eyes water. It frustrates him, because why should he be the one to cry now? "You mean everything to me Donghyuck, you're my- You're my best friend and I lo-" He catches himself, "I'm so grateful to have you every single day. You make the world so much less shitty."

Donghyuck's laughter is a little wet with his own tears and he wipes at Mark's face with his thumb, "Don't cry dummy. Or I'll cry even harder." he swallows slowly, "Do you really mean that?"

"There is no one that is more important to me in the world." Mark says without thinking.

Donghyuck frowns slightly, "And what about Claire?"

Mark gapes at him. Yeah, what about Claire? Before he can answer, Jaemin bursts back through the door, rambling about how Claire downright mauled the tick. He is too busy showing off his mega cool 'exo'-patch, to even notice the two boys wipe at their eyes. Trying his best to ignore the sudden end to their conversation, Mark stares into his food and listens to Jaemin talk. He feels Donghyuck's eyes on him the whole time though. They are worried and questioning, so Mark doesn't meet his gaze anymore. It's better that way, no matter what he says now, he will make it worse.

After everyone has had lunch and the whole class is back at the cabin, the teacher gives them papers. They're supposed to collect plants that fit the illustration on the side and stick them to the page with some tape. Mark uses the chance to walk off on his own for once. Being with so many people all the time made him forget how silent the world can be when he is on his own. He isn't sure whether he likes it; hearing his thoughts louder than even the chirping of the birds around him. Either way, he knows he needed it.

There is too much to figure out. Honestly, there had been a moment, when he thought all of his problems had been solved. Being with Claire seemed like the perfect solution for everything that didn't work, but for the first time he feels like, maybe, he had made things just that much more complicated. Because, he knows that he can't deny it. What he told Donghyuck was the truth, through and through. There is no one more important to him than this loving, beautiful boy and it's all wrong.

Sitting down on a large rock, Mark unlocks his phone. There are messages from his mom and Taeyong, checking up on how the trip is going. Another message is from Chenle, asking if he can have some of the gold he collected in Warcraft. Even YangYang sent him a message, complaining about how he wishes he could be there with them.

He swipes them all away and his eyes fix on his lockscreen. On the picture he had taken with Donghyuck. In his mind, Donghyuck's shocked expression returns. _And what about Claire?_ Shit.

Biting back his tears, he changes his lockscreen to a picture of him and Claire, which Gaon had sent him the other day. This is how it's supposed to be. He can't like Donghyuck, he can't. Because, if he does that means... that means he is different. And he isn't. He is a regular boy, who likes regular girls and has a regular life. Shoving his phone back into his pocket, he buries his face in his hands. Get out of your head Mark Lee.

Get out of your head.

\--*--

The next days is filled with endless hiking. Everyone is forced to get up at ungodly hours and make themselves breakfast and a lunch package. Mark notices that Jaemin tries to exchange a few words with Jinseon every now and then. She doesn't seem very opposed to it, if the subtle flirting in her voice is any indicator. Claire sticks to his side, as they all climb the large stretch of mountain in front of them. He wants to tell himself he doesn't mind so much, but after a while, having her this close at all time is becoming a little much for him.

He releases a relieved sigh, when she gets wrapped up in a conversation with Jeno and Mark manages to subtly wiggle himself out of her grip. Without thinking twice, he catches up to Renjun and Donghyuck, who have taken the lead at the top of the group. They are in the middle of discussing whether the Beastie Boys' 'Sabotage' is a musical masterpiece or just three minutes of yelling.

"A Mark, my knight in shining armour. Renjun is bullying me." Donghyuck pouts, latching onto Mark's arm.

Renjung rolls his eyes and loops an arm through Donghyuck's to make peace, "I'm not bullying you, I'm bullying your taste in music."

Mark leans forward, to look past Donghyuck and at his friend, "Isn't that almost worse?"

"My words exactly!" The youngest whines, "Listen to Mark. He is smart and has his life sorted."

At that, Mark can't help but snort. Yeah right. He wonders whether Donghyuck would believe him, if he told him about the full expanse of his life-dilemma. Probably not, if he _actually_ thinks he has his life sorted out. Of course, Donghyuck has his own drama going through the roof, but he is more open about it.

For a moment, Mark wonders if there might be something Donghyuck didn't tell him yet. Mark hasn't told him about this big questionmark in his heart, where other boys have 'girls' written into the skin. He hasn't told him about how low he had really sunk, how dark the things are that sometimes fill his head and dreams. And most of all, he hasn't told him about the biggest of them all: the tingling sensation of warmth and the feeling of home he always feels in Donghyuck's presence. Does he have a secret like this, too? Something he can't tell Mark, because it would affect him so bad, he'd rather keep it to himself?

"Mark?"

He jolts out of his thoughts, "What?"

Seems like he had just asked him a question. Renjun is gone, wrapped up in an eager conversation with the teacher. Honestly, Mark will never understand how Renjun has the time, energy and enthusiasm to be a solid A-student.

"I asked you if you wanted gum." Donghyuck chuckles, "We can't have cigarettes, so I'm itching a little. That's why I brought gum."

Mark shakes the fog from his head and accepts the small strip of candy. Honestly, he had been too wrapped up in his own thoughts to even think about smoking, but now that Donghyuck mentioned it...

"Maybe we should quit." Mark mumbles, around his gum.

"Oh, we should for sure." Donghyuck chews back, "Are you alright? I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you yesterday, you're just... I didn't know who else to tell."

He feels his eyes widen, "N-no! No, Donghyuck I'm glad you told me, really. I should be sorry for reacting so weird. It's just..." His eyes hush back to Claire, who is still talking with Jeno.

As he sighs, Donghyuck intertwines their hands and squeezes softly, "Is it not going well?"

"I... I don't know." Rubbing at his eyes, Mark watches their feet trudge along the hike-path. There is a little Nirvana smiley drawn on the tip of Donghyuck's shoe. A little wonky and the pen is scratching off, but it still makes Mark's heart twist, "I guess it's not going how I would have imagined it."

"Imagined what exactly?"

Softly laughing to himself, Mark says: "My first relationship."

"What's not going according to plan, Major Tom?" Donghyuck asks with a little frown.

"I just thought..." _I'd be in love._ "Everything is going a little fast."

Donghyuck humms, shoulder bumping into Mark's gently, "You know Claire is a soft-hearted person. If you tell her you want things a little slower, she will respect that."

He doesn't answer that, but it doesn't seem to bother Donghyuck much. All the boy does is silently walk with him, after a while beginning to hum the new EXO song that dropped last week. It's good like this; hearing the mixture of nature and Donghyuck's voice and feeling their intertwined fingers. Mark can't help but wish they were alone.

It takes them a good two hours to finally reach the summit cross, but when they do, it's absolutely worth it. From the highest point that is accessible on the whole mountain, they have a splendid view on the world around them. More smaller hills and the river circle them and far off in the distance, Mark can see their small town as a colourful, little dot. They take a lot of pictures of the scenery and in front of the huge cross, built in stone and with delicate details snaking around it.

Mark can't help but flush deeply, when Renjun snaps a photo of him, Claire and Donghyuck, both of them pressing kisses to his cheeks. All of them insist they take a picture of him and Claire kissing too and he is honestly not going to outright refuse that. He does insist however, on a silly picture of him and Donghyuck hugging the cross and making silly faces. They eat their lunch packages after that, basking in the silence, so far away from civilization.

Claire is taking more pictures with Jinseon, while Jaemin is painfully obvious in how he stalks around them, probably hoping to catch Jinseon alone. Mark intends on talking to Renjun at first, but Jeno has occupied him already, showing him a big, beautiful bug he had found along the rocks. Renjun is easily excited by nature, so when Mark speaks to him, he just bats him away. He doesn't take it to heart, only laughs and sits down next to Donghyuck again. A head falls on his shoulder and he can't help but smile.

"I don't know what to text back." Donghyuck mumbles.

Mark immediately knows what he is talking about, "You can take your time, but sooner or later, you should. I don't think Jisung actually realizes what his mistake was... Honestly, maybe he doesn't even know he made one."

"I thought if I told him, it would make things easier." As Donghyuck sighs, the air brushes against Mark's collarbone, "And now this... Honestly, maybe I should just keep this to myself, after all."

"But you told me. And didn't it make things easier?" _No._ Mark realizes that it might have made Donghyuck's life easier. But it turned Mark's life upside down.

Donghyuck whines and his whole body slumps against Mark, "Maybe you're just a ridiculously lucky exception. There is only one Mark Lee."

Laughing, Mark gently takes Donghyuck's hand in his own, "There is only one Donghyuck, too. And he has the right to show and be who he truly is. Other people's reactions should not be important enough to take that from you."

"You say that so easily." The words are mumbled, but Mark can tell that the fight in them is half-hearted, "But you don't have to hide. There is no big secret that threatens every relationship you have."

A sting breaks through Mark's chest and he momentarily looses his breath, "How do you know? Maybe, I do have a big secret I can't tell anyone."

"Well, if that's really the case, you can still tell me." Donghyuck mumbles, "Because I'll never see you as any less as I see you now."

The irony tastes bitter in Mark's mouth and he takes a big gulp from his waterbottle, to wash it away. If only Donghyuck knew what he is promising here. Mark wonders how he would react. _I like you. I like you so much, I couldn't even let you go after trying everything._ Donghyuck would hate him. For ruining their friendship, for hurting Claire, for being selfish, for keeping it a secret and telling him. For making it complicated after all. Yet, a small part of his mind, new and never indulged, can't help but fantasize about what would happen if Donghyuck did not end up hating him. What would happen, if he could start to harbour feelings of his own and see Mark in a different light.

Would he even be able to commit to something like this though? His eyes instinctively travel to Jaemin. _That shit is scary, man. What if I mess it all up?_ Mark knows he could never give Donghyuck what he wants. Much less, what he deserves. Holding his hand in public, introducing himself as his boyfriend, kissing him, even if there are people around. He would indulge Donghyuck in everything he wishes for, but only in their own little space.

And he feels _so_ ashamed for that. Because, that is exactly what Lucas had done to him. It is exactly what had torn his heart apart for ages, made him feel like he doesn't deserve more. Now, when he finally finds back to cherishing himself, the last thing Donghyuck needs is another asshole that breaks his heart. Mark is willing to abandon his own feelings, because he knows if he wanted to love Donghyuck, he would have to do it right. And he can't do that. Because, he is a coward. He doesn't deserve Donghyuck whatsoever.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Claire's shadow suddenly blocks the sun from his face.

"Wh- what? Nothing, why?"

As if he was a loon, Claire carefully kneels down beside him, "You're crying, silly."

_Oh, not again._ "It's the wind." He says quickly, "Makes my eyes water."

With the relief softening her features, Claire lets out a small 'ah.' "Don't move now, I think Hyuck fell asleep."

Mark carefully turns his head, where Donghyuck's head is still on his shoulder. His body rises and falls with deep breaths and Mark can feel the warmth that radiates from him. The hands of his heart claw at this moment and for a couple of seconds, he is even afraid of breathing and breaking it. Pictures in his mind adjust, creating dreams that tear at him, but he doesn't have the will to fight them anymore.

He imagines them on a walk, in front of them an endless stretch of highway. Deserted and empty, just the two of them. Dream-Donghyuck is talking, then he is singing, then he is just holding Mark's hand through the silence. It begins to rain, but it isn't the ice cold rain that gets you a cold, it's a gentle drizzle that creates magical shimmers in the air. Mark imagines he has enough courage to pull Dream-Donghyuck closer by the waist, maybe even take his face in his hands.

The moment he kisses Dream-Donghyuck, the real Donghyuck wakes up and straightens. Mark feels himself flush, realizing what he had just done – what he had just thought about. The real Donghyuck looks at him with a sleepy frown and one of his fingers comes up to trail Mark's nose.

"I think you're getting a sunburn, you're a little red."

Mark hums wordlessly and lets himself be pulled back to his feet by Donghyuck's helping hand. He is tempted to keep holding it, but Donghyuck let's go, so he has to do the same. As the teacher rounds them all up, he ends up with Claire's hand instead and he tries not to be disappointed. Him and Donghyuck don't exchange another word for the remaining trip back down to the cabin.

So, Mark meets Dream-Donghyuck for a little longer.

\--*--

They arrive back at the cabin a couple of hours later. All of them are thoroughly drenched, because the weather had decided to switch from sunshine to pissing buckets in the last half hour of their hike. Mark grimaces at how his own shirt clings to his body and shakes his head, letting droplets fly left and right. Jinseon complains about being cold, Renjun whines about _catching_ a cold and all Jaemin finds to cry about is his hair. Jeno offers Renjun a spare hoodie and Renjun lets himself be babied, because that's just who he is as a person.

Donghyuck is the only one who is quiet. Mark's eyes catching on him in the mess of all the grumpy students and finds that he is already being watched. However, Donghyuck averts his eyes the moment he sees Mark looking. He is towelling his hair off with a used shirt and Mark's throat goes dry. Considering he had already seen Donghyuck without his shirt, his reaction to seeing him like this might be a little ridiculous. But Mark finds he can't help how his eyes linger on Donghyuck's pecs, bulging through the heavy material of his clothes.

"Thanks for lending me your jacket, babe." He turns his head, finding Claire next to him.

A smile spreads on his lips and he gives her a peck on the forehead, "No problem."

Admittedly, the first reason why he had given her his jacket had not been the possibility of his girlfriend being cold. No, Claire seemed almost fine, but well... Her clothes had been soaked as well. He finds it hadn't even been about not wanting other guys to see her like this. No, _Mark_ had been the one who didn't want to see it. Something about the edges of her underwear, so clear against the surface of her shirt had made his skin crawl.

Now, that he thinks about it, that is an awfully mean reaction to have. Whacking himself up the head mentally, he adds: "Are you still cold?"

"A little..." She murmurs, "Maybe you could warm me up?"

"W-wu-we have a portable heater somewhere, right? I'll ask the teacher, if-"

"Just come with me, silly." Claire grins, wrapping a hand around his wrist.

With the panic stuck in his chest, Mark's eyes automatically dart to Donghyuck. But the boy is gone already, presumably having disappeared in their respective room. That leaves him nothing else to do, but follow Claire to her's and Jinseon's room. His head is spinning a little and he feels an ache in the back of his throat. Maybe, he is getting sick after all? Should he warn Claire, if he is too much around her, she might catch it, too.

Who is he kidding? Mark is not sick.

He is scared shitless.

Once the door closes behind them, the silence is almost too much to bear. Without having a say in anything anymore, Mark watches his body move on auto-pilot and settle with Claire on her mattress. There is no hesitation in how Claire approaches him, settling in his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck. Somehow, he is unable to meet her eyes.

"You've been really quiet today." She murmurs then, delicate fingers moving some wet strands from Mark's face. Her body is pressing close to his and suddenly, Mark feels entirely too hot all over.

He leans back against his palms, "I've just... had a lot on my mind."

"You always say that", she remarks, "but you never tell me what it is. I think it would do you good to let some of it out."

Mark tries a smile, but as he expected, it only turns into a weird grimace, "I just think I... I think I keep making mistakes, to solve older mistakes."

"What do you mean?" Claire's eyebrows furrow and she rubs his cheek.

He surprises himself with saying: "I feel like I'm fucking up a lot, Claire."

"Aw baby", her gaze is soft, as she cups his face in her hands and shakes her head, "That's human. People do dumb shit sometimes, but you're a good guy. Yeah, maybe you drop a brick every now and then, but who doesn't? The important thing is that you remember what matters to you. Who you want to be, you know?"

Mark has no idea what she is talking about, "Yeah, totally."

"You'll figure things out and I'm sure whatever you decide to do, it'll be the right choice." She says, looking happy with her advice.

Mark doesn't really feel any smarter than before, but he appreciates Claire's effort nonetheless. Besides, he had decided he didn't want to worry her already. Renjun is still giving him these sideglances and god knows Donghyuck is prodding at him every chance he gets. No, his girlfriend doesn't have to deal with his shit as well. He doesn't want her to.

His fingers stroke a strand of wet hair behind her ear, "I think I'm just in a bad mood, I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize", a slow smirk spreads over her lips, "but, maybe I could cheer you up somehow, what do you say?"

Frowning, Mark watches her shuffle on his lap, until their chests are touching. God she is _very_ close. "I-... uhm, it's okay, you-"

"I brought condoms." She confesses, her demeanor giving way for a glimpse of nervousness, "Well, Jaemin brought them and gave me two."

"Okay...?" A dark foreboding simmers in the back of Mark's mind.

When her hand trails down his chest, his heart picks up speed. It takes everything in him to not take a tight hold of her wrist and yank it away. No, this is fine, this is what he is supposed to do with his _girlfriend_. As her hand falls between his legs and starts rubbing circles, he tells himself over and over again that it's no big deal. Sure, he hasn't done this before, but it can't be so difficult, right? And it must feel good, right? Otherwise all the guys around him wouldn't be so prone to drool after pretty girls.

His own hands shake like leaves, as he attempts to rub them over Claire's sides. Does she know that he has never been with someone before? Does it bother her if she knows? And if she doesn't... what exactly is she expecting right now?

When Claire slowly strips her shirt off, there is almost no difference. He had already seen everything through and yet, he feels his throat close up. Of course, she is beautiful. So beautiful, Mark should be honoured to be the one she is touching. But there is just so much fear that makes all of that irrelevant. He feels his own heat from Claire's finger stimulating him, but his body and his mind are not on the same wave length. As his breath speeds up, Claire seems to misunderstand it as a sign of pleasure, speeding up her movements even more.

Suddenly his tangled mind supplies memories that catch in his throat and hammer against the back of his skull like a drill; Donghyuck and Lucas in the bathroom of Jaemin's house, Donghyuck hand disappearing in the taller boy's pants. Taeyong with his girlfriend in the kitchen, whispering nasty things to her, he didn't ever want to hear. And then.

Then there is something completely new.

A playground. A couple of children and an eight year old child-version of Mark himself. Some other kid he is playing with. The kids parents, who are, to Mark's astonishment, two women.

And Mark's dad.

With his strong jaw, Taeyong had inherited and the small lips Mark sees in his mirror every day. He isn't watching his own son play and build a freaking awesome sandcastle. No, his attention is entirely drawn by the two women on one of the park benches. _They are_ watching their kid play, fond smiles on their faces and hands interlocked on one of their laps. Mark doesn't understand why his dad looks so damn angry. He is building the best sand castle in the world, why would he make such a dark and disgusted face?

One of the women leans in to kiss her girlfriend and that's when Mark's dad jumps to his feet. He has a rough hand around Mark's wrist then, pulling him away and stepping on his sandcastle in the progress. However, he is too stunned to cry immediately. The kid he was playing with is looking at him with wide, worried eyes and he wants to assure her; 'don't worry, my dad is the coolest dad in the world, he's just playing a weird game'. But when his father drags him even further away and doesn't even care about Mark scraping his knee on the edge of the sandbox, it's obvious that this is not a game.

"Have you no shame at all?" He suddenly yells at the two women, who look at him with a pair of matching frowns, "Showcasing your behaviour in front of all those children?! In god's name, someone should take this child away from you, or you will end up addling it with your morbid fantasies! The devil will get you, just you wait, he won't make exceptions for an atrocity like you!"

Everyone in the park is staring at them and Mark draws even more attention to himself, screaming and crying. He is scared of this side of his father. Has only ever seen it once, when he had scolded Taeyong for wanting to dye his hair pink some day. _You want to look like a faggot? Not in this house. Do it, once you have your own house to live in, but don't expect me to ever look at you again._

Mark remembers that Taeyong had cried a lot that night. Which is strange, because his brother is like Iron Fist. Always protecting his little brother from the bullies around the playground, coming home with bruises and cuts from fights and still smiling and ruffling his little brother's hair. But Taeyong had cried and cried and cried, curling up in his bed, even when Mark had shuffled to cuddle him. He had fallen asleep to his brother sobbing into his hair, but he has no idea how long it took for Taeyong to fall asleep.

_He won't make exceptions for an atrocity like you._

Mark feels like he is underwater, suffocating slowly. The air around him is heavy like lead and he wonders how in the world he can even sit upright right now. All he knows is that Claire is in the middle of unbuttoning his pants and he feels like he is about to throw up with how high his heart is beating in his throat.

As if his head broke through the surface of the water, Mark is back. The world moves at normal speed again, he is in this room with Claire, in a cabin, a couple dozen kilometres away from home.

Claire is just thumbing at his zipper when he gasps out a small: "Wait."

Her motions halt and she looks up at him, "Shit! You okay?"

"Y-yeah I'm fine." Mark wipes at his eyes so hard, the material of his sleeve burns against his eyelids.

"Oh my god, I feel so stupid right now." Claire mumbles, her hands petting at Mark's head, "I didn't think... why didn't you tell me to stop earlier?"

"I just... I thought it was fine." Mark can't look up at her and let her see him like this; sniffling and broken apart, with his own disgust spreading and dripping past his eyelashes, "I didn't want to let you down. I- God, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry."

Claire presses him into a tight hug and Mark hates himself for still wishing she was wearing a shirt, "Oh no baby, don't think that. It's all good. I get it, really, I do. We can still wait a little longer, I don't mind. I just thought you wanted to, but I would never push you, you know that, right?"

Mark swallows thickly, bringing himself to hug her back, despite his discomfort. It's the least he can do, "Okay... God, Claire, I'm really sorry."

"I told you, there's nothing to be sorry for, babe." She leans back a little, so she can look at Mark properly, "Markie, have you ever even done this before?"

After such a shitshow, she wouldn't believe him if he lied anyways, "N-No...?"

"That explains it." A gentle chuckle sounds from her lips, "It's a big step to take and I completely understand if you're not ready yet. I like you a lot Mark, there is nothing that I'd want to do less than push, or rush you. However much time you need, I can wait that long, I promise."

Mark's heart clenches, "I don't deserve you."

Another laugh, this time a little louder, "You deserve me just fine, baby. This is just basic human decency."

He does give her a kiss then. Because, if he can't even do that, what kind of trash boyfriend does that make him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/putputpotato) | [Ig](https://https://www.instagram.com/putputpotato_xo) | [Tumblr](https://midnight-writ3r.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Eyyyy!! Another chapter of teenage romance and angsty feelings! I´m currently starting to move to my apartment, so I kinda totally forgot to update this story hahhaa! I´m sorry it took a while, but here it is! 
> 
> Also, I wanted to thank the people that gave so much love to Philocalist! I didn´t expect much, since Baekyong is a bit of a rareship, but the endless support and love I´ve gotten really made me feel very warm and loved! 
> 
> How are you guys doing?? What have you been up to? Are there any projects you´ve been working on? 
> 
> I´ve been making some writer-friends on TWT and I gotta say it´s such a good feeling to be around people that have the same interests. If you wanna connect too, just send me a text! :D <3<3
> 
> I love you all, thank you for being here!! Till next time!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s been MONTHS oh my god, I´m so sorry, when I tell you I completely forgot that updating schedules are a thing at all- 
> 
> Anyways, I´ll definitely try hard to update properly in the future, please bear with me :'D <3<3 
> 
> (this isn´t beta read!! please do not destroy me ORZ)

"I still think this is a super bad idea. We'll so get caught." Renjun whines, watching them all with a pained expression.

"Chillax", Jaemin grins, "The teacher will go to sleep at, what- ten? And after that, no one is there to pay attention anymore. His fault for thinking we are responsible enough to act like adults."

Mark laughs to himself, as he helps Donghyuck pour some of Jaemin's vodka into their Cranberry juice. There is a little concentrated frown on Donghyuck's face, combined with a pout. _Cute._ Sighing, he averts his eyes again.

Jinseon shrieks, "Hey Jaemin, watch where you're pouring! I got Vodka all over my fingers."

"Would you like me to lick it off?" 

Everyone gags, while Jaemin laughs at Jinseon's dramatic eyeroll. The tension between them seems to have gotten better in the last days. Mark doesn't know if they talked it out, or if Jaemin just used his charms to worm his way back into her personal space, but whatever it was, it worked. Tonight will be the last chance for Jaemin to jump over his shadow, before they all have to travel back. Mark doesn't really look forward to a hungover busride, but on the other hand, maybe he can sleep through it a little easier.

"So, where did you keep all those half-litre bottles again?" Renjun asks Jaemin.

The boy smirks at him, "A magician never reveals his tricks, that destroys the magic."

"Magic my ass, you had them in your backpack." Jeno laughs.

"Considering I was the only one who brought anything, I think I at least deserve to choose my title." Jaemin pouts.

"Hey, I brought pot." Claire hurries to her own defense, "I just forgot the papes and filters."

"And therefore", Jaemin puts down the vodka and gives her a fake-ass grin, "it is useless."

"Maybe if we put it in the campfire and inhale the smoke..." Mark mumbles to himself.

Renjun laughs, head thrown back, "Yeah, don't even go there, unless you want to die a very early death."

Jeno looks at him, mouth a little agape in awe, "So it doesn't work?"

For a moment Renjun looks at him with a shocked expression, as if he doesn't quite believe Jeno is serious. Then, he sighs softly and explains to Jeno all the chemical reasons for why Mark's idea is a trash idea. Mark decides to just believe his smarter friend and stops listening. He leans a little into Claire, who sits beside him, watching them all like a military supervisor. She grins at him and presses a kiss to his cheek in return.

True to Claire's words, nothing has changed between them. Quite the contrary, actually, she is just as affectionate with him as ever. It's relieving to know she isn't mad at him, because of his little freak-out. Mark can only imagine how overwhelming it must be in her shoes. When you want to sleep with the boy you like and he randomly starts crying like a baby. God, he still feels embarrassed about it. But whenever he brings it up to apologize again, she shushes him with a kiss and assures him that he has done nothing wrong.

It's frustrating, really. Why is it so hard for him to fall in love with her? If it weren't for Donghyuck, maybe there would be nothing keeping him from falling for Claire. Donghyuck is at fault, here.

No, that's bullshit and he knows it. It's Mark's fault and Mark's alone.

"There we go", Donghyuck cheers, bringing their mixture to his lips and tasting. His face pulls into a grimace, so Mark assumes the mixture is pretty strong, "Ugh, yeah okay, consider me drunk off my ass."

Mark takes the bottle from Donghyuck's hand and closes it, "Let's at least wait until after the campfire, okay?"

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but there is a grin on his lips, "Sure, mom."

For the last evening of the trip, the teacher had planned a classic campfire. There are rumours about a pack of marshmallows, too, but only their class-stoner claimed to see them, so the information is not necessarily reliable. Admittedly, Mark is looking forward to it. He had enjoyed the campfire they had done in the forest a couple of weeks ago, so he can imagine that this one will be just as good.

That is, if his friends have enough self-control to wait with getting drunk, until after the teacher went to bed. He is not too keen on getting caught drinking on a school trip in general. But, considering the tension between him and his mom, the thought seems even less appealing. Taeyong wouldn't come to his rescue either, he'd merely shrug and say 'that's on you Sonny'. Fair enough, Mark guesses he has to act like an adult at _some_ point.

"It's so sad that no one brought a guitar." Claire muses, "I liked it so much when you played the last time."

Mark smiles at her, a little shy, "Next time I'll just play for you."

"I'm looking forward to that." Grinning like the Cheshire cat, she steals a kiss from him.

"Ugh get a room!" Jaemin yells, hiding his eyes in mock disturbance.

"Yeah", Donghyuck whines in agreement, "You're making all of us single-pringles feel lonely with your lovey-dovey couple shenanigans!"

Renjun pouts and mumbles: "I'm not a single-pringle."

Laughing, Mark waves them off, "Okay, okay, we get it. No more PDA."

"Let's go guys, I can already see a light. They're starting the fire." Jeno says and they all nod in agreement.

Donghyuck takes one bottle under his oversized sweatshirt, Jaemin actually fits a whole bottle in one of his cargopant pockets and Jinseon carries the smallest one under her wide skirt. Mark thinks they should be considered smugglers, with how much effort they are putting into this. Together, the group trails downstairs and outside, towards the source of light, between the trees. Overhead, the sky has darkened into a pitch black sea, only broken by a million little stars. This is one of Mark's favourite thing about being so far out of town. There are at least four times as many stars in the sky as at home. They watch from up there and Mark wonders, whether they could give him some answers to all the questions that make his heart feel like a stone.

Ever since the small disaster with Claire, the memory that had appeared had haunted him. He could barely sleep last night, despite being tangled in Claire's arms; warm and safe. How could he only have remembered this now? It's like the memory had not existed before it appeared. All the panic and the fear he had felt were so overwhelming that his brain had just spat it out. To be honest, Mark wonders if the memory was even real, or if his imagination had produced some random scene.

It had felt so real, though.

He has to admit, he doesn't really _want_ to believe it is real, either. His father – his hero – acting like this? It doesn't seem right, doesn't fit into the picture Mark has of his childhood at all. Sure, he had been strict sometimes, but what parent isn't? No, Mark always remembered him to be sweet and understanding. He loved his kids and treated them with care and affection.

_"I thought you missed him."_

_"I do. So much. But that doesn't change the fact that he is an asshole."_

How much does Taeyong remember? Is their father leaving the only reason for his anger towards him? He had been older at that time, could there be something he isn't telling Mark? Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Mark stares at it for a moment. He opens Taeyong's contact and types out 'Tae, what was dad like?'. Instead of sending it, Mark deletes the words again and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He doesn't want to think about this right now. No, all he wants, is to have a nice, final evening with his friends, before they have to dive back into their everyday life.

"Ah, look who decided to join us!" The teacher cheers, as he sees the group approach.

They all smile at him and sit around the campfire, spreading on tree trunks and old, wooden chairs. Mark decides he doesn't care much and sits on the ground, between Donghyuck's legs. Hands go into his hair and he can't help but lean into his friend's touch. For the next fifteen minutes, he allows Donghyuck to give him horrible pigtails with all the hair ties he can gather from the students around them. He poses idly, when Claire snaps a few pictures, barely able to contain her laughter.

It's calm and nice; the teacher animates them to sing together and Mark gets another chance to listen to Donghyuck sing. His voice carries over the rest of the students, being the only one who has enough confidence to actually _sing_ the songs. He lets his eyes fall shut and allows the moment to wash over him. Rinse away all the bad thoughts, troubles and tension in his mind and body. All there is are the voices of his friends, the warmth of the fire in front of him and Donghyuck's familiar scent wavering around him. He is so at ease, he almost falls asleep at some point.

But as soon as the teacher says good night and makes them promise to go to bed soon, hell breaks loose. All their bottles appear and are handed around to everyone who asks for it. Mark's tired eyes are caught up in the single drop that trails out of the corner of Donghyuck's lips and down his jaw. Before he can think about it, he reaches out and wipes it up with a thumb, pressing the liquid to his mouth. Donghyuck doesn't pay it any mind and thanks him.

"Alright, never have I ever smoked pot with one of my parents." Jaemin proposes with a wicked glint in his eyes. Jinseon is leaning against him and he has his arm around her shoulders. They're being very obvious and Mark thinks they look nice together.

"That's not fair", Claire whines, as she takes a gulp, "You knew that about my dad."

"The chillest dad on the block." Donghyuck says, then he taps his chin in thought before saying: "Never have I ever watched someone change through their window."

When he sees Mark's face, he bursts out into hard laughter. It intensifies, when Renjun takes a tentative gulp. Mark decides to take his swig in the moment, where everyone's disturbed attention is on his friend. Thanks Renjun, for taking one for the team.

"It was an accident!" He defends, "Our neighbour never draws her curtains and I was just coming home from school-"

"No details, please." Jinseon puts her hands together in prayer.

Renjun rolls his eyes and swirls his bottle in his hand, "Never have I ever slept with someone."

The whole round groans and takes a gulp, except for Mark. Jaemin pouts, "Now you're priding yourself in being a virgin, eh? Work smart, not hard."

"My time will come."

"Alright, alright lovely chatter." Jinseon declares and gets to her wobbly feet, "I got a real good one, Jaemin you're gonna love this one." Everyone is watching her attentively. Mark has a queasy feeling in his stomach, though. Jinseon isn't looking at Jaemin and there's a bit of a shimmer in her eyes, which reflects the fire stronger than usual, "Never have I ever had a boyfriend, who cared about me and was brave enough to commit to being with me, even though he was scared, because he just liked me and that was enough."

Everyone is quiet. Claire takes a tentative sip of her bottle and Mark wants to facepalm. It seems to slowly dawn on Jinseon, what she had just said. All of her emotional turmoil is so clearly visible on her face, she could have as well just said them aloud. Jaemin is looking at her, from where he is still sitting, brows furrowed and lip between his teeth. When the first sob breaks out of Jinseon's throat, she hurries off to escape into the safety of the cabin. Mark sees Claire set into motion and he grabs her wrist, to stop her. She gives him a confused look, but he already looks at Jaemin with all the drunk intensity he can muster.

"I swear to god Jaemin", Mark says and everyone's confused eyes land on him instead, "if you don't go after her right now, you're going to regret it forever." There is still hesitation in Jaemin's eyes, so Mark adds: "What if you _don't_ mess up?"

Another couple of seconds pass, until, suddenly, Jaemin climbs to his feet and wordlessly runs after Jinseon. Mark feels himself smile and his shoulders relax again. That is, until he notices that everyone's confused eyes are still on him.

"The hell was that?" Jeno asks.

"Nothing", Mark shrugs, "Jaemin just finally got his head out of his ass."

Donghyuck bursts out into raging laughter, "Seriously, the things I learn about you, Mark Lee!"

With a relieved laugh, Mark watches his friends turn back to their conversations. The game of never-have-I-ever seems to have gotten to an end, but it's probably better that way. The last thing Mark needs right now is someone to say they've never been in love with their best friend, or something equally random, yet fitting.

It gets late fast. Most of the other students have already gone back into the cabin, to their dusty and uncomfortable mattresses. Even Claire decides to get up at some point and presses a kiss to Mark's lips. He watches her go and wonders whether she expects him to come along. Really, though, if she wanted that, she could just say so. Therefore, he stays right where he is; with Donghyuck's legs caging him in and his drunk fingers in his hair. At some point, even Jeno and Renjun retreat to their rooms, leaving Donghyuck and Mark on their own.

"We should put the fire out, right?" Donghyuck mutters, his chin propped on Mark's head.

Whining softly, Mark intertwines his hands with his best friend's, "Responsibly speaking, yes. But, I'm so tired."

"But we can't just leave it here." Donghyuck slurs, "What if it sets the cabin on fire and everyone dies?"

"Epic."

Gasping in shock, Donghyuck laughs at his friend and slaps him on the shoulder, "Your girlfriend would die, man! And the legendary Donghyuck as well, by the way."

"Okay, we can't have _that_ happen." Mark responds.

Fighting their way back to their feet, the two boys make their way over to the well that had been installed near the cabin. It's way more difficult to pull a filled bucket of water from it, when it is pitch black around them and they're drunk off their asses, but they manage. Both take one end of the handle and stumble back towards the fire, which crackles away under the stars. Donghyuck stumbles a little and the water splashes on their shoes, but Mark doesn't even mind, because his friend is busy giggling about it like a child.

He does mind, when suddenly a few ice cold water droplets hit his face though. His eyes go wide and he gives Donghyuck an outraged look, forced to watch his friend break out into more laughter. Now, Mark might be a coward, but this is not a challenge he is going to turn his back on. Taking a good handful of water, he splashes it right at Donghyuck's chest. The boy gasps, shoulders pulling up at the temperature and his laughter stays in his throat.

"You did not!"

"You started!"

Mark can barely put his hands up, when Donghyuck swipes another handful of water at him. The liquid is icy against his skin, quickly drenching his clothes, but he laughs anyways. Donghyuck has aquired lone reign over the water bucket and makes quick work of splashing more on Mark's frame, until his whole shirt is drenched and there is water dripping from his hair, too.

There is only one thing left to do. With a swift move, Mark has wrapped himself around a screeching Donghyuck, who drops the water bucket in shock. He is warm and soft in Mark's arms, trying to cringe away from Mark's wet frame.

"Let go! Let go, oh my god you're so cold!" Donghyuck squeezes out between laughter.

Rubbing his wet hair into Donghyuck's neck, Mark pushes a little more at him, "Next time you should think twice who you pick a water fight with, Lee."

"I surrender! Take me prisoner, I- Woah!"

Neither of them had expected Donghyuck's foot to catch on a root, as Mark had backed him towards the fireplace. Before Mark can comprehend what is happening, they're falling and the floor comes at him with a worrying speed. All he can think of, is putting his hand between Donghyuck's head and the ground, as they collapse on the soil. Suddenly, they're both very quiet, wide eyes staring at the fireplace, which is still burning just a couple of centimetres away from them.

"Holy shit." Donghyuck suddenly bursts into giggles.

"Oh my god, not funny Donghyuck!" Mark says, even though he can't help but join in on the laughter, "We could have died!"

It's obvious that Donghyuck tries to keep his laughter inside, but he is doing a very poor job of it, "Is this a sign of the universe to tell us we should stop drinking?"

"Or maybe just a sign to go to bed." Mark says.

Slowly, Donghyuck's laughter dies down and Mark's mind has nothing left to do but to sober up and arrive in their moment. Donghyuck's body is still squished beneath him, his hands on Mark's sides. It's innocent, really, the way the two of them are wrapped up in each other, but Mark feels his heartbeat pick up speed. His mind had been so blurry, but now, in the light of the fireplace, he seems to see Donghyuck in the sharpest focus he has ever experienced. All those soft features, which have grown so familiar, Mark thinks he could draw them with his eyes closed. Donghyuck is quiet; mustering him with eyes that seem intent on taking in every part of Mark's being.

He swallows hard, trying to suffocate the nervousness in his throat. It doesn't quite work. His hand comes up, fingertips stroking the expanse of Donghyuck's cheek and Mark wishes everything was different. Wishes that he wouldn't have gotten himself a girlfriend, to get over Donghyuck. Wishes that Donghyuck hadn't had his heart so broken by Lucas. Wishes that it wouldn't be such a big deal, if boys liked boys in this lifetime.

Because then, Mark could just kiss him and it wouldn't overthrow the world into chaos. 

Donghyuck's hands fist a little tighter around Mark's shirt, as he feels his fingertips dance on his skin. He looks almost remorseful and Mark can't help, but wonder, what he is thinking about. Is there a chance he wishes for the same things as Mark does? Or perhaps, he fears what could happen, rather than anticipates it. 

When Donghyuck's fingers come up to thread through Mark's hair, he knows he has to break this moment, before he can do something stupid. So, he smiles at his friend and pushes himself back up to his feet. He reaches a hand out for Donghyuck and helps him up as well, before they dump the remains of their water supply onto the glimmering fireplace.

Donghyuck takes his hand, as they navigate through the darkness and back to the cabin. Somehow, Mark can't shake the aftereffects of that moment. Being around Donghyuck is like being around a magnet that he is not allowed to get too close to. He finds he still wants to kiss Donghyuck; it wasn't just an urge of the moment kind of feeling. Now, in the darkness, where no one would see them, he could. No one would ever know. But that doesn't matter, because Donghyuck would know and if he knew, everything would go downhill. Because, then he would know that his best friend likes him and he would know that his best friend is cheating on his other best friend and Mark isn't ready to be the cause of Donghyuck's world imploding.

Despite being practically rendered blind, the two of them make it to their shared room. Donghyuck lets go of his hand and presses a finger to his lips. Mark nods in understanding. Renjun is probably already fast asleep. By now, Mark really doesn't want anything, except change into dry clothes and knock out himself.

However, when Donghyuck pushes the door open, they are not greeted by unconscious silence, but rather by a silent sniffling sound. They share a confused glance, before entering and finding Renjun on top of their mattresses. He is curled up into a pitiful, little ball; knees drawn up to his chest and his face hidden behind them. Donghyuck is immediately by his side and Mark works his numb body, to follow as quick as he can.

"Junnie." Donghyuck coaxes him out, "Hey, sweetie, what's going on? Why are you crying?"

Renjun doesn't answer, only shakes his head wildly. Mark shuffles close to his side, stroking a hand through his hair. His friend doesn't even seem bothered by his wet clothes, only falls into his side and starts to sob into his shoulder. Sharing a wide-eyed look with Donghyuck, Mark presses the shaking boy into his side. He rocks him gently, does the same things he has seen his mother do, whenever she comforted Taeyong when they were kids. He kisses Renjun's head, rubs his back, and squeezes him tight every now and then, until finally, his sobs begin to die down.

Taking his face in his hands, Donghyuck tries again: "Renjun, what happened? Did you get hurt?"

The boy bites his lip hard, another tear quietly leaving his eye, "Y-yeah, I mean no, not really but..." he takes a shaky breath, "I-it's Jeno."

"What did he do?" Donghyuck asks.

"H-he tried to-" Renjun's shoulders pull up, "He tried to kiss me."

Mark's eyes widen, "He what-?"

"W-we were talking a little more up here, after w-we left. I-it was comfortable, I was just t-telling him about random stuff and then suddenly, h-he just-" Seeing the disgust scrunch up Renjun's features gives Mark a heavy feeling, "I- I feel so dirty. W-why would he do that? That's just sick!"

Mark throws a careful look at Donghyuck. But the boy only winces once and the expression is gone again. Instead, he nods his head slowly, petting Renjun's shoulder and muttering comforting words against his hair. When his eyes find Mark's, Donghyuck's eyes become shallow. There is so much and nothing inside of them at the same time. It's not fair. Mark wants to apologize, wants Renjun to apologize, to remind Donghyuck that there is nothing wrong with him, but he stays quiet. Because, Renjun doesn't know yet and after this, Mark isn't sure whether Donghyuck even wants him to know.

"He was drunk." Donghyuck tries, "I- I'm sure he didn't mean to. Jeno always acts without thinking, that's how he gets. He probably feels really bad about it already."

Renjun's face buries in his neck, "What do I do? If Maya knew, she would hate me!"

"Don't be ridiculous. Why would she hate you?" Mark says gently.

"B-because I kissed a boy! T-that's just wrong, Mark." Renjun whines, "What if she thinks I liked it? Or that I was the one w-who initiated it? What if she tells everyone?!"

"Hey, hey, hey", Donghyuck puts his hands on Renjun's shoulders, "It's all going to be alright. Maya likes you, Junnie, she would never do anything to harm you. If you tell her that you didn't consent to it, why would she think anything else?"

That seems to calm Renjun down a little, because his shoulders drop again and he shrugs, "I- I don't know. I'm just scared..."

"It must have been overwhelming." Donghyuck nods, "But the world won't end, alright? You're okay. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Gathering his bearings, Renjun takes a couple of breaths, until he nods, "You're right. I overreacted, it's just... It just felt so weird. I never thought... never thought this would happen to me."

"We get that." Mark mutters. His thoughts travel back to the previous days and he tries not to get caught up in the memories he had uncovered, while being with Claire, "Really."

Donghyuck breathes out softly, "How about we go get some sleep now, hm? You can be in the middle, if you want to."

Nodding and sniffling, Renjun lets himself be pushed into his sleeping back, "Wh-why are you guys all soaked?"

Mark grins, as he rips off his shirt, "Donghyuck thought he could defeat me in a water-fight."

"Which I totally did, but he would never admit that." Donghyuck says, as he changes into his sleeping shorts, "We also almost died."

Renjun laughs, still a little teary, "What?"

"Well-"

A knock on their door interrupts Mark, before he can even start. They all share a panicked glance. Is it the teacher? Has he heard them? Straightening up, Mark goes to the door and opens it. His shoulders fall and his eyebrows fly up, as he sees who is standing there.

"Hey Jeno", He mumbles, closing the door so far that Renjun is out of sight, "What's up."

The boy looks absolutely devastated and admittedly, Mark feels a little bad for him, "Uh... I wanted to ask, if- Maybe, I could..." He shuffles his feet, "Can I sleep in your room?"

Mark frowns, "Why?"

"Well, Jaemin has Jinseon in our room and they're... well, doing stuff." Jeno clears his throat, awkwardly scratching at his neck, "I don't know where else to sleep."

"Why don't you go to Claire's room?" Donghyuck asks, hooking his chin on Mark's shoulder.

Jeno grimaces, "Wouldn't that be awkward to her? I'm neither Mark, nor you."

"Point taken." Donghyuck admits, his eyes give Renjun a quick glance, "I'm sorry Jeno, but I don't think you're very welcomed in here right now."

"I'm sorry for what I did!" He cries out, eyes big and pleading, "I-it was... I didn't want to- I thought Renjun wouldn't mind."

Mark knows the pain he feels is showing on his face, "He has a _girlfriend_ Jeno."

"I- I know and it was super dumb of me to try anything." Jeno repeats, "Just, please, I don't want this to be between us."

Mark feels Donghyuck sigh against his shoulder. He should put a shirt on, it's really getting cold, "Look, Jeno." Donghyuck says, "It's okay, really. We're not angry with you and we also won't tell anyone about your preferences, it's just-"

"I'm not gay!" Jeno denies. When he sees his friends' sceptical expressions, he adds in a barely audible mutter: "I just like Renjun."

From the corner of his eye, Mark can see Renjun bury his face in his hands. He isn't crying anymore, but the whole situation is definitely eating at him. Mark really doesn't want to force Jeno to leave, but he can't watch his friend like this. Just Jeno's mere presence seems to drive him up a wall and Mark understands that. This is absurd to Renjun; it's all kinds of wrong and gross and speaks against anything he has ever learned in his life. Even if Mark feels wounded by it, he still gets it.

"I'm honestly sorry Jeno, but if Renjun isn't comfortable-"

"Just let him in." He looks up at Renjun in surprise. His friend has shuffled to the very edge of their mattress isle, his back turned towards them. When Mark looks at Donghyuck, he sees his own scepticism mirrored on the boy's face.

Shrugging, Donghyuck backs away from the door, "Alright, I guess Mark and I will just... lie between you guys, that okay?"

Jeno nods quickly, hurrying to push into their room, before they can change their mind. Mark watches him with a heavy feeling in his guts. Jeno's gaze settles on Renjun's cowered frame for a slim second and he looks so regretful. Mark can only imagine how mad he must be with himself right then. If he had decided to kiss Donghyuck at the fireplace, he would probably feel the exact same thing right now. Somehow, the whole situation is just relieving, because it proves that Mark made the right choice. Never in his life, could he forgive himself, if Donghyuck were in Renjun's place right now.

Sighing in relief, when he finally gets to put on a dry hoodie and pants, Mark falls onto his sleeping bag. Donghyuck shuffles him between Renjun and himself. It's probably, because Donghyuck knows that a) Mark would be freaking awkward next to Jeno and b) Renjun would find more comfort in having his longest friend close. Not for the first time, Mark finds himself beyond thankful for Donghyuck's level of empathy.

"Alright honeybees." Donghyuck mumbles, "Sleep well and... maybe tomorrow we can sort this out."

Everyone hums and Donghyuck suppresses a sigh. In the darkness, Mark spots him rub the bridge of his nose. This must get to him. Mark doesn't know Jeno well, but him and Renjun are both close to Donghyuck. On top of things... All the stuff that Renjun said... Mark untangles his arm from his sleeping back and reaches for his best friend's hand. He squeezes it tightly and Donghyuck shuffles to press his face into his shoulder. Mark almost expects him to cry, but he should know Donghyuck better than that. This is not enough to send him off balance.

Mark's hand is squeezed softly and even though it's not the most comfortable position, he doesn't dare pull away. Next to him, Renjun is still sniffling softly, but after a while the sounds ebb out into calm breathing. Donghyuck is out quickly as well. Mark doesn't know about Jeno, but it takes several hours more, until he finally drifts off, too.

\--*--

The next day is torturous for all of them. There are hangovers left and right and the next Aspirin is a good three hour bus ride away from all of them. On top of that, Renjun and Jeno are still awkard around each other. It's not like they're ignoring each other, but throughout their hike back down to the busstop, it's obvious that Renjun is doing everything to avoid any conversation.

The only ones who seem remotely alright, despite a headache and an early morning, are Jinseon and Jaemin. No one dares to interrupt them, as they walk side by side, a little away from the rest of the class. They seem to finally have figured things out, because their hands are interlocked and every now and them, one of them will lean in and kiss the other. Mark is happy to see it. At least one of them finally resolved their relationship struggles.

"They're so cute together, I swear." Claire squeals, watching the direction Mark had looked in.

He smiles and agrees with her. From the corner of his eye, Claire tries to reach for his hand, but Mark finds himself pull away. It's not a purposeful reaction, more of a reflex. Perhaps, the encounter they had is still getting to him more than he thought. Just touching Claire is frightening him now and it's probably just a question of time until she will notice.

Honestly, Mark feels like the things he is running from a growing in their amount and weight every second he breathes. But he just can't help it. Whatever that memory was, whether it was real or just made up, he doesn't ever want to remember it again. Doesn't even want to think about it, to be specific. It had left more than just a sour taste in his mouth, the whole _world_ seems like a different one now. His father had always been this huge hero, hidden behind the veil of all the time that passed and all the days Mark's brain had used to forget about him. It almost appears like it only remembered the things it wanted to remember about his father. Not only that, but neither Taeyong nor his mom had ever mentioned anything of the sort.

Why? Why leave a kid with a false faith in a false father, despite knowing the truth? Did they want to protect him? Now, he just feels stupid. Glorifying this man all this time, like a blind follower, while his brother and mother watched him silently.

Taeyong had told him a glimpse of the truth though. _"I thought you missed him." "I do. So much. But that doesn't change the fact that he is an asshole."_ At that time, Mark had assumed the anger of his brother had all been fuelled by their dad leaving. Now, he guesses that maybe that wasn't even half of the reason. Which makes sense, because Mark misses his dad and never once thought of him as anything less than a legend. He should have known that it would take more for Taeyong to despise him like this.

"You're still so jumpy." Claire smiles a little unsure, "I hope you're not still beating yourself up about the other night..."

"What? No!" Mark lies, "I just- I wanted to- I need to talk to Renjun."

She eyes him with a lifted brow and Mark can only smack an awkward peck on her cheek, before he speeds up his steps to catch up with his friend. Renjun's head is hanging almost as low as his shoulders. His eyes are fixed on his feet, as they drag themselves across the ground and he doesn't even notice Mark is next to him, until he is being nudged in the side. The forced smile he tries to give Mark is even more painful than the red rims of his eyes.

"Want some water?" Mark offers and Renjun nods, before taking his bottle. They walk a little, sharing their silence, because Mark doesn't know how he is supposed to approach the topic he wants to talk about. There is a lot he wants to know, but none of the questions his mind forms seem appropriate enough, to be put out into the open. He settles with simple and classic: "How are you feeling?"

Renjun sighs, kicking a rock in his way, "Honestly, not as bad as I would have expected yesterday, before I fell asleep. I don't have a headache."

"Do you have a heartache?" Mark asks.

Biting his lip, Renjun takes a moment to pick his answer, "I'm not mad at Jeno anymore. I just... It was really overwhelming and I feel..." He almost looks annoyed with himself, rolling his eyes, instead of finishing his sentence.

"Feel what?"

Throwing his arms out in a frustrated manner, Renjun says: "Violated? It's silly, after all it was just a kiss! He didn't even touch me or anything nasty like that, only gave me a kiss and started frantically apologising." Another sigh and Renjun's body goes lax again, "It shouldn't be such a big deal, but... I just feel so humiliated and... Like I'm not quite myself anymore. All I know is that, whenever I look him in the face, I feel so guilty."

"Guilty? Why? You haven't done anything." Mark argues.

"You heard what he said." Renjun mutters, "How can I treat him like I used to, when he likes me? When I know he... wants me like _that?_ What he said – it's so weird. It makes me worry..."

Raising his brows, Mark puts a hand on Renjun's shoulder, "You think he'll... molest you?"

"No! God, no, not Jeno." Renjun laughs, rubbing his temples, "No, it's not him I'm worried about. It's Maya."

"Renjun... Donghyuck told you Maya would never be mad, if she knows you didn't initiate anything." He assures.

"It's not about the kiss, Mark." Renjun's lips purse, his eyebrows creating a deep furrow, "It's about the fact that Jeno says he isn't gay... and yet he likes me – a boy."

Now, he can't follow anymore, "So? Maybe, he is in denial."

"He said, and I quote: I'm not gay, I just like Renjun."

"I'm sorry bro, but I really don't see what you're getting at." Mark sighs.

His friend shuffles, suddenly his eyes fall back to the ground, "What if that means I'm too... girly?"

That sets off a little whirlwind in Mark. Now, he thinks he understands where Renjun's worries are coming from. If Jeno likes him, but isn't attracted to boys, does that mean Renjun is feminine enough for a straight guy to be into him? And furthermore, would that mean Maya, as his girlfriend wouldn't find him manly, or attractive enough? In Mark's opinion, it's a silly thought, because there is so much more to like about Renjun than his appearance. But he understands why the other's thoughts have spiraled to where they are now. Then, that leads him to another, way more devious thought.

Could it be the same for Mark and Donghyuck? Could Donghyuck really be the only boy he will ever like, because he is just pretty in a more feminine way than any other guy Mark has known so far?

His eyes catch on Jaemin and he watches the boy's features closely. Wonders, whether he finds them attractive, whether he would want to kiss Jaemin in the same way he would want to kiss Donghyuck. To his relief, he finds that the answer is no. But then again, when he looks at Jinseon, it's the same. There is no difference in how he sees the two of them, neither in how attractive he finds them, nor how well he could imagine making out with them. Because still, nothing beats Donghyuck.

He shakes his head, forcing himself to arrive back in the moment. This isn't about him or any of his problems. It's about Renjun and Renjun only.

"Junnie, I think you're worrying for no reason at all." Mark says and before Renjun can disagree, he continues: "Look, why would Maya have gotten with you, if she didn't think you were a handsome, smoking hot man that she found kind and interesting, hm? Just because a guy is into you now, doesn't mean she will flip all her feelings for you under the table. Besides, maybe Jeno isn't even serious, maybe he is just confused."

"Confused."

"Yeah, you know we're all in this weird era of our life, where we try to figure ourselves out and sometimes, we just get a little off-track." Mark rambles, flailing his arms, "Don't think about being too girly. You're a perfectly perfect man, with a perfectly perfect amount of manliness, okay?"

Renjun has this unreadable expression that he sometimes has, when he is trying to figure out the person in front of him. However, when Mark lifts a brow at him, he nods and that seems to be the end of their conversation.

Mark isn't braced for the awkward silence that follows, so he trails off, without a real aim. He ends up walking by himself, which is honestly, not as bad as he had anticipated. The last couple of days have just been _a lot_ of people and he is thankful for getting a bit of space to himself. Only one thing bothers him; As soon as he is on his own and there is nothing that keeps his brain from settling down, there are all of these thoughts again.

Honestly, by now the pile of things he refuses to think about has grown so large, he wouldn't know where to start, even if he tried. It's sort of suffocating. Something creeps around in the back of his chest, spreading like roots and breaking through skin, tearing frail veins, as well as the thickest bones. He can't even be on his own anymore. His thoughts will run him over, if he is.

What will he do, once he is home again? There will be his own four walls that are meant to shield him from the world. Now, they will shield the world... from him.

His chest stings – _actually and physically stings_ – and Mark knows that what he feels clawing at his back is familiar. He had neglected the emptiness; had done anything to not think about it, remember it, or feel its presence anymore. That had been irresponsible, he realizes. Because, its shadow, which had been a tiny ball of darkness before, is looming over his small body, like a monster that crawls out from under a child's bed. There had been a time, where he could push back and defend himself, but now he has nothing to fight it with. Not anymore.

It seems like, the more pain and worry he gathers, the more hollow he becomes.

"Ow! Shit!"

Everyone's head turns, to find Donghyuck on the ground. Mark's eyes widen and he rushes over to his best friend. The boy winces, eyes fixed on his left foot in worry.

"Hyuck, what happened?" Mark asks dumbly.

Donghyuck laughs, biting back a couple of pained tears, "Mother earth tripped me. Ah, crap... I totally bent my ankle. Hurts like hell."

In the meantime, the teacher has run back uphill to them, kneeling down next to Donghyuck. He assures them that it'll be fine and that there is no need to panic. No one tells him he seems to be the only one who is really panicking. Mark gives Donghyuck his hand to hold, while the teacher brushes off his shoe and eyes the area of his ankle. It's a little red and there is a swelling, growing. Mark imagines that it will probably be quite bruised in a couple of hours. When the teacher bends it carefully, to check whether anything is broken, Donghyuck squeezes Mark's hand so hard, he actually feels his fingernails break through his skin. It's okay though, because Mark is just glad he is here right now.

All the other students have gathered around them in a circle, eyeing Donghyuck and his ankle with mixed expressions of worry, sympathy and also slight nausea. Claire has kneeled down behind Donghyuck, untangling his backpack from his shoulders and hugging him against her chest. For the moment, the teacher decides to splint Donghyuck's ankle and once that is done, they all heave a sigh of relief.

"Alright, now how do we get you down the rest of the mountain..." The teacher mumbles to himself.

"Just leave me here" Donghyuck moans and falls against Claire's chest, "I will be a nice change in the grizzly bears' diet."

Renjun snorts and takes his free hand, "There's no grizzlies around here, Donghyuck. The only thing that could eat you here are hedgehogs, because they love eating slugs."

Donghyuck looks at Mark for help, "I'm on my deathbed and he calls me a slug!"

Ignoring Donghyuck's antics in favour of saving his ankle, Mark sighs and looks at the teacher, "I could carry him? If someone took our backpacks."

"For sure, hand it over." Jaemin reaches out a hand and Mark nods at him in thanks, before shouldering off his backpack.

Claire offers to carry Donghyuck's and then, the shuffling begins. It's a little difficult to get Donghyuck to stand upright to begin with, but lifting him on Mark's back is an entirely different challenge. The part of the mountain they're at, is steep and full of slippery pine needles and leaves. Mark considers it a miracle that he doesn't fall, once he takes the first step. Donghyuck, fortunately, is quite light to carry, so Mark manages to keep him on his back without falling or dropping him. The younger does everything he can to hold on tight and make the whole thing a little easier for Mark, but often he ends up accidentally whacking him in the face, so he just tells Donghyuck to keep still instead.

It's not as bad, as he would have expected it to be. Donghyuck keeps him warm against the chilly breeze that has started to appear, the lower on the mountain they get. He tells him stupid jokes, whenever he can think of one, making the time that passes a little more bearable. Even when they're not talking, Mark still has Donghyuck's presence, steady against his back. He is a shield; impenetrable by the emptiness and never wavering in its security.

Despite the ache in his muscles and the burning in his lungs, Mark is almost remorseful, when Donghyuck slides off his back at the bottom of the mountain. They shuffle him to the front-most seat of the bus, ignoring his protests, because the teacher can keep an eye on him there. Renjun offers to keep him company, even though Mark is pretty sure he just doesn't want to spend the busride in the back with Jeno.

"That was pretty heroic." Claire grins, as they're seated next to each other, Mark's shoulder pressed against the bus window.

Mark laughs, feeling himself flush, "No, it wasn't. He isn't even that heavy, I just wanted to help."

Claire shrugs, "Not all heroes have impeccable biceps, but at least my hero got a strong back."

That makes him laugh and he presses a tight kiss against her head. She tangles their fingers and leaves them in a comfortable silence. Honestly, he thinks he might begin to get over their situation. He just isn't sure, what it is that Claire expects from him now. Does she want him to try again? Is she waiting for him to initiate things the next time? Sighing, he feels himself grow confused again. Where is the all-knowing grimoire of adulthood that every teenager deserves to have some time in their life? God knows, he could really use it right now.

The ride home seems like an eternity, compared to the time they took to get to the cabin. Probably because Mark had slept through most of it the last time, but right now there are too many thoughts swirling in his mind to close his eyes. Donghyuck isn't there to share his music either, but Mark can hear him cackle and complain throughout the whole bus. Mark wishes he could trade spots with Renjun right now, but how awful would that look? If he ditched his girlfriend, to sit with Donghyuck and left Renjun to sit with her instead. On top of that, Renjun deserves to get a break. He seems to finally relax a little, in Donghyuck's presence, and forget about the discomfort that the previous night had brought onto him.

Claire spends the entire time reading on her phone. 'Fanfiction', she calls it, about some Anime-dudes from Haikyuu. It seems to be a good story, because the one time Mark tries to start a conversation, she only hums as an answer. That leaves him with little else to do than listen to Jinseon and Jaemin flirt, watch Jeno mope on the other end of their isle and stare out the window.

Trees and wide patches of grass slide by. The sun is bright above them, illuminating the patchy patterns of dust on the window panes, which would usually not be noticable. It becomes warmer, when they are an hour in on their ride and escape a large sea of clouds overhead. Colourful houses, cars and flowers swish past him and around Mark, most of the other students are chattering and smiling. 

Yet, the world seems unusually dim. It's not the same, as on cloudy days, when the grey of the sky drenches everything in cold light. No, it's like watching the world through this dusty window pane. Except the dust seems to have attached itself to his own two eyes. He blinks a few times, trying to get that sensation out from beneath his eyelids, but after a few attempts, he understands the truth. This 'filter' is not covering his eyes. It's all the way inside of him. A thin stretch of the emptiness that has finally fought itself far enough into Mark's mind to have claimed his sight.

He can't even find the strength to be annoyed or scared by it. Whether it's because of his pathetic total of two hours of sleep, or something else – Mark is exhausted. 

Always exhausted.

Except for these small moments, where he manages to turn the world a little different. A little more merciful. Or the moments, where he doesn't manage to care anymore.

When the bus finally rolls to a stop, Mark feels like he walked the entire distance, rather than rode a vehicle. Still, he smiles at Claire, when she pulls him to his feet and they climb outside. As the fresh air outside hits him, he takes a deep breath, despite the bus-fumes that enter his lungs as well. He hopes Taeyong still has some cigarettes left.

"Oh my god baby! What happened to you?" Mark turns, just in time to see Donghyuck's mother storm towards him and push and tug at his limbs. The boy is trying his best to push her away and pull his foot out of the dangerzone at the same time. The pained grimace he makes as a result have Mark huff out a small laugh. Trust Donghyuck to make him smile without even trying.

For a moment, he watches Donghyuck's parents half-praise, half-rip the teacher apart, as he tells them about what happened. Then, he shoulders his backpack with a huff and looks out for Taeyong. The styled hair of his brother stays out of sight though. Maybe, he is just late. Or did he forget?

Mark stops, when his eyes catch onto a familiar face after all. His mother is leaning against their car, hands in her pockets and shoulders drawn up. She looks exhausted, but when he meets her eye, there is a distinctively fond grin on her lips. His heart aches, because his first instinct is to run towards her and hug her as tight as he can. Only seconds later, does he remember he is still mad at her.

Great. Now he has to endure a car-ride, in which his mother has one hundred and one opportunities to start a fight again. And if she doesn't, god knows Mark will. Giving her a short wave of acknowledgement, he turns around to look at Claire.

She looks a little resigned, staring at her phone, so he asks: "Your dad's late?"

"Nah, he's not coming." Claire mumbles, "Emergency at work, so I have to take a bus home. Your brother there yet?"

"My mom." Mark answers and looks at her for a moment of silent contemplation. Then, a fantastic idea comes to his mind, "We could give you a ride?"

Claire's eyes widen, "Really? That'd be amazing. Only if it's no trouble though."

"Nah", Mark waves her off, "No trouble at all. Your home is practically on the way, anyways."

She laughs, because they both know that's a bit of a lie. They both say their goodbyes to everyone else, hugging their friends and exchanging brief greetings with their parents. Donghyuck's mom pulls them both into a particularly tight hug, until her husband has to remind her to let them breathe again. They retract and let their limping son step up to his friends.

"If I die today, promise to carry my memory and design me a lit gravestone." He says.

"Promise, dramaqueen." Claire giggles, placing a peck on his cheek, "Try not to cry when they offer you a Hello Kitty patch-design, hm?"

Donghyuck sniffs, "Tears of joy, that would literally be my last will."

Mark shuffles to wrap Donghyuck up in a tight hug and mumbles: "Can you text me when you're home?"

"Sure. You okay?"

The nervousness must have shown in his voice, "Yeah it's just... My mom. I could end up needing refuge."

"Well, you're always welcome in my kingdom", Donghyuck hesitates, squeezing him a little tighter, "but give her a chance."

Sighing, Mark pulls himself away and tries to give his friend a comforting smile, "Sure."

He can tell by Donghyuck's expression that he was anything, but convincing. Yet, Donghyuck lets it go and gives him a last pat on the shoulder, before going back to whining to his parents. They seperate and Claire takes his hand, as they approach Mark's mom. Her eyes zero in on their intertwined hands, but she doesn't comment on it right away.

"Welcome back guys." She says. Thankfully, she doesn't try to pull Mark into a hug. Seems like she hasn't forgotten about their blow-up after all.

"Hey mom", Mark clear his throat, "Uh, this is Claire. She's my–..."

When it becomes clear to them both that Mark won't finish the sentence, Claire says: "Girlfriend. I'm his girlfriend. Nice to meet you."

She stretches her hand out at Mark's mom. "Truly?" His mom says, as she shakes Claire's hand, "How sweet. It's nice to meet you, too. Since when–"

"Could we maybe go home?" He interrupts her, before things can spiral into true chaos, "I'm kinda hungry and, well... Claire must be exhausted, too. We were hiking for hours!"

For a few seconds, he thinks she will refuse, as her eyes dig literal holes into him. But, then her shoulders relax with a sigh and she waves them inside the car. Claire slips into the back and Mark, more out of habit, than anything else, takes the passenger-seat. He can tell that his mom is sending Claire inquisitive looks through the rear-view mirror, but he can hardly tell her to stop looking at his girlfriend. A girlfriend, she had known nothing about. Considering this, she is taking the whole thing in stride rather well.

"So Claire", She begins again and Mark squeezes his eyes shut, "I've gotta say, it's so nice to finally get to know you. Mark talks about you non-stop. I just didn't know it was you, because I hadn't seen a picture yet." 

Mark's eyes rip wide open again. He does what now?! Why would his mom say something like this? They hadn't exchanged any conversation apart from smalltalk and their fight ever since him and Claire got together. Why is she lying?

Why is she lying _again?_

Claire's face lights up and she smiles, "Really? What a gentleman."

"And what do you think about my youngest? What got such a gorgeous girl like you hooked on him?" For reasons Mark can't pinpoint, the question stings a little.

"Well, for one, he is quite the gorgeous boy himself." Claire says and Mark feels his chest warm up with gratitude. He reaches a hand back and seconds later, Claire's fingers have intertwined with his, "I don't know... he is funny and smart and caring. But most of all, he is so human."

Mark's mom laughs, "Well, I hope so. I didn't raise a Vampire in secret."

Mark rolls his eyes, so that only Claire can see. She grins in amusement, but shakes her head, "I just like that he isn't trying to be perfect. Because, he doesn't need to be. His stutters, stumbles and very bumpy flirt-attempts are just as endearing as the rest of him." She squeezes his hand, "Even that he needs time with certain things doesn't bother me at all. As long as he is comfortable around me, I'm happy."

Mark knows what she is trying to say and, while he is still grateful, his insides get a little heavy. The memory of his father feels even harsher, having his mom sit next to him. If the memory is real, did she know? Did she know that her husband – the father of her children – was such a cruel person? Did she know Taeyong cried so much? Does she know Mark had forgotten about all of it? Had she lied to him, yet again?

He stops that train of thoughts, before it can drive him off a cliff. Instead, he gives Claire the best smile she can manage and her eyes glow with affection. His mom keeps pestering her with questions the whole car ride. About what she likes to do, who she lives with, how it is to live with her dad. It doesn't add up with the fact that 'Mark talks about her all the time', but Claire doesn't seem to notice and if she does, she ignores it. So, the ride becomes filled with chatter and Mark allows himself to zone out and sink into his seat. Oddly enough, he wishes Taeyong were here. It might be a kindergartner's philosophy, but he thinks his big brother could protect him from everything. Even this surreal situation.

When they come to a stop in front of Claire's house, Mark gives her a quick kiss and promises to text her later that evening. Him and his mother watch her silently, as she walks to her front door. With every step Mark's heart rises further up in his throat. Because, once she is out of sight, there will be nothing between him and his mother anymore. Maybe this was a stupid idea after all. He sighs. At least Claire didn't have to take the bus.

However, against all his expectations, his mom only drives out of the street without another word. Honestly, compared to this tense silence, Mark almost wishes she would have yelled at him. It's so awkward, it almost hurts. He feels all queasy and there is sweat building on his temples. His heartbeat elevates and the breaths he takes don't seem nearly as fullfilling as they usually are. It feels like being choked by his own throat. As it tightens around his windpipe, his sight becomes blurry and he has to hold onto the car's interior, to not loose his shit. However, his mom doesn't notice, because he keeps his eyes out the window and hers are always on the street.

For the first time, the sight of his own home scares him more than it calms him down. The car engine stops and all of a sudden, everything is very quiet. Just the fact that his mother doesn't exit right away, tells him that there is a storm coming for him. He watches her sit there, conflicted eyes fixing the steering wheel and for a moment he almost feels sorry. This whole thing shouldn't be so complicated. They're mother and son, for god's sake.

"I think we should talk." She finally brings out.

Mark stays silent. His fingers tug at loose strings in his jeans. There is dirt all over his ankles from hiking down the mountain through the rain a few days ago.

She takes his silence as a get-go, "You're avoiding me. That much we can say for sure." She huffs, "I just... This thing that is happening here, it's so childish, don't you think? I mean, I barely know who you are or what is going on in your life anymore. I didn't even know you had a girlfriend!"

"I guess I just don't want to be around liars." Mark mutters.

The expression on his mother's face makes him regret the words, but he doesn't take them back. She has to see that he isn't the only one who messed up here.

A heavy sigh pulls his mother's shoulders to the ground, "A liar... Yeah, that's what your father used to call me, too."

Suddenly, Mark feels very, very nauseous. He grips the edge of his seat, hard enough for his tendons to burn. Deep inhales.

"You all think I'm just the big bad wolf, who keeps all the secrets to herself, because no one else deserves to know about them. Isn't that right?" Mark winces, but she doesn't wait for him to speak up: "First your father. Then, you with those stupid bills and even Taeyong."

"Taeyong...?"

She seems to regret mentioning him, since her hands come up to her temples, "You boys are just too smart for your own good sometimes. I remember how he looked at me and called me a liar, after..."

Mark's heart flickers in his chest, "After what?"

"After I said I still love your father."

The silence that follows that is charged with heavy and dull air. This isn't how Mark had expected this conversation to go. He had expected yelling, crying, more yelling and then escaping to his big brother or Donghyuck's house, or even his own bed. To be honest, right now, he isn't even sure which outcome he prefers.

All he knows is that there is a big part of his life that is simply not there anymore. A part that has been ripped open, just a tiny bit, when he had been with Claire that night. An emotional crash that had triggered a memory in his unusually sober and sorted brain and given him back a piece of his past. A piece, which he would have prefered to keep buried. It's sort of strange, really, when it comes to his father, he wishes his mother would keep lying to him. Just leave him with the faith he had in the parts of his father that he remembers. The parts that weren't a terrible, terrible truth.

Taeyong has lied to him, too. Everyone has. They all kept a false memory of their father for him, but what for? Isn't it painful to watch your child idolise a father that had you suffer so much? Why would they keep a facade for him? What good does it do?

He knows what good. Because, if Mark hadn't remembered, his life would be a lot less complicated and a lot less painful right now. It's not right – what they did – but they didn't mean harm. They couldn't. If not his mom, then definitely not Taeyong. Not his big brother, who smiled through the bruises and defended him at the playground and holds him tight when he cries, even now, and calls him Sonny, even though Mark will probably end up taller than him.

"Why did you not tell me about the bills?"

His mother sighs, "I really-"

"I'm not mad, mom. Not anymore." Mark says, "I just want to know."

For a moment, she fixes him with such a surprised gaze that he wonders whether he has said something strange. Then, her eyes soften and she reaches out for him. He allows her to run her fingers through his dirty hair and he closes his eyes not to cry. Mark is not simply touch-starved. There is an ache in his chest and throat, only reserved for his mom.

"I just didn't think you guys needed to know." She admits, "It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but I knew it would worry you both. Taeyong is working so hard on his play, practising so much and you are finally finding back into your life. It seemed like a small sacrifice to keep this to myself, if it meant I get to watch you figure yourself out without this whole thing in the back of your mind.

A couple of months ago, you were so..." As if it pains her to say it, she takes a deep breath, "empty. I don't know how to explain it, but whenever I looked at you, I wondered whether you were still inside your body. You seemed to detached from the world and your friends and us... it scared me a little." Mark's throat grows tight again and there are tears stinging behind his eyes, "And then it seemed you finally began to get better and... I thought if I didn't tell you about this, nothing would distract you from finding your way back to yourself."

Drawing her hand back, she shuffles, until her body is facing him, adoring eyes filling him with warmth, "I see now that it created more of a mess than what I wanted to protect you from. I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put the whole thing past you."

In all the time that passed, he had expected this moment to be a lot more satisfying. To hear his mother apologize and to finally be back on top of his game, with the knowledge that _he was right._ The world would cheer for him, because he held on to his point and he was strong – never gave in.

Right now, he is just tired. The heartache and the fighting had gone on for so long, he had actually gotten used to it. How ridiculous is that? None of it was worth it. His actions weren't heroic or epic in anyway. No, this whole childish riot he had started against his mother had been just that: A childish riot. By a sad kid.

"I should be sorry." He squeezes out, hand fisting tightly in his jacket, "Taeyong always trusted you, even when he knew you lied. You're our mom and you... you've always been there for us, taken care of us and worked your butt off to give us a comfortable life. As Tae would say..." Gulping, Mark wills himself to look at her, "you're the hero."

For a quiet moment, his mother just musters him; searches for something Mark isn't able to name. She doesn't look angry or sad, or even happy. There is just ease on her face, mixed with something Mark hadn't expected at all: Pride. Why would she be proud of him in a moment like this? After all the shit he had caused, all the fighting and yelling and acting like a spoiled brat, why would she see something great in him now? She should be disappointed that after all this time, even with his 18 years of life, he is still acting like this.

His train of thoughts is cut off by a pair of warm arms, enveloping him like clouds. For a moment, his heart skips a beat in surprise and then, his mother's familiar scent wavers around him. Comfort. So much comfort, quite the opposite of what he had expected this talk to turn out like. God, hadn't he prepared for tears and anger and even more hurt? Why? From the beginning on, his priority should have been to sort things out. Well, at least one of them was smart enough to move into that direction.

Like the child he still feels like, Mark throws his arms around his mother's shoulders, clawing at her, as if she could just disappear at any moment. And why wouldn't she? Their dad had done it, what left her out of the equation?

No. He should whack himself up the head for thinking something like this. If anyone would never leave them it's her and he has to finally acknowledge that. There is no use in portraying everyone as evil, while the true evil left them a long time ago, anyways. Yet, he had always thought the only one who ever truly understood him had been his dad. Not Taeyong, not his mom. They had proven him wrong, though and he is beyond thankful for that.

"I'm sorry..." he whispers. Then again and again and again, until his mom shushes him and holds him a little tighter.

He can tell that he is freaking her out a bit. Her shoulders tense up and she seems to breathe a little faster. But there is such a flood of emotions slipping out of his hold that he can't stop himself. Everything is coming out. None of it is solved yet, but for now, everything has become a reality. Who would have thought his mom would be the first to feel all those emotions with him, even though she probably doesn't know?

Should he tell her? About everything? About how she had been right, in saying he had detached himself so much from his body and still remains floating above and not knowing where to go? About how he is in a relationship that costs him everything, yet makes him feel nothing? About how he knows about their dad? About how his heart always beats faster and he feels at home around his best friend, even though he is a boy? It wouldn't take much to say those things out loud, just a bit of courage. And for the first time, Mark is sure that his mother will understand – that she will still hold him and comfort him and try to work out all those struggles with him. Hell, he doubts that she would even be angry, if he told her he started smoking.

"I think we should go inside, hm?" His mom suddenly murmurs, "We could make some warm cocoa, or maybe noodles? You must be hungry after a week in the wild." She chuckles, soft and careful, "I bet Taeyong will be so happy to see you, too." 

He only nods and watches her step out of the car. For an eternal moment, he sits in the car in silence, enveloped by silence and the cold air of the AC. It shouldn't take this much strength to get out into the world, but it does. His eyes flitter along their street and catch on Donghyuck's house. He is probably still at the hospital, getting his ankle checked out.

Mark won't admit it, but in the end, it is the memory of Donghyuck's arms around him that motivates him to finally climb out of the car.

Inside their house, a wonderful smell of freshly cooked dinner wavers into Mark's nose. His stomach growls in interest, but his mom has him change and take a shower before anything else, since, apparently, he smells like a toilet. In the bathroom, he takes the opportunity to text Donghyuck and ask him about his leg, but also to reassure him that everything went fine and there is no need to worry. To everyone's surprise. Honestly, Mark had been so prepared for tears and a sore throat from all the screaming. Of course, it's infinitely better like this, but the calmness has yet to settle in.

The shower helps a little with that. Once he is outside again, the warm water has washed most of the tension out of his muscles and he feels a little more on top of his game again. Outside, Taeyong awaits him with an enthusiastic hug and steaming-hot, home-made pizza. Honestly, is there anything his brother can't do? There was a time, not so long ago, when Mark would have been annoyed with that. He still is, but at least he is not angry about it anymore. Their mom actually allows them all for once to sit on the couch and eat together and watch their favourite family-show.

It's a little like travelling back in time. As soon as the pizza is gone, both the boys settle against their mom and Taeyong is gone within half an episode. Mark and his mom make fun of the faces he makes, because even the most handsome boy in their family makes really dumb expressions when he is asleep. When the clock hits eleven, their mom insists on them going upstairs and preparing for bed, while she puts away the dishes and stores the remaining pizza in the fridge.

For a moment, he is tempted to convince her into letting him help, but Mark isn't in the mood to fight with her again, so he lets her have her way. Him and a half-asleep big brother climb the stairs, wordlessly brushing their teeth and washing their faces in the upstairs-bathroom. As he musters his brother through the mirror, Mark can't help but remember the magazines he had found under his bed. This is still something he wanted to ask Taeyong about, but how do you ask your big brother why he has a bunch of gay porn-magazines under his bed, without seeming like a total loon?

Besides, this is not even the most important question he wants to ask Taeyong. Watching his brother retreat into his room to change, Mark takes a deep breath and musters himself in the mirror. A tired, lonely boy looks back. Does he even want the answer to that question? Even if he doesn't, maybe he should know it anyways... Not all truths are flowery and innocent, some do more damage than good. Still, they are truths.

With a sigh, Mark splashes some cold water into his face and wanders into his own room as well. Once he has changed and settled for bed, his eyes travel to Donghyuck's window again. It's illuminated, but the curtains are drawn. Checking his phone, Mark finds that his best friend has left him a message already.

Hyuck: You in need of refuge, big rebel?

He laughs, before replying:

You: no thanks

You: Things went better than expected

You: You're allowed to say 'I told you so' now

Hyuck: I did tell you so

Rolling his eyes, Mark digs through his backpack for a cigarette. When he finally finds one and sits down at his window sill, he finds Donghyuck has sent him two more messages.

Hyuck: All jokes aside though, I'm glad it went well

Hyuck: How do you feel?

You: Lighter

You: How's your foot?

Hyuck: Completely fine, but for whatever reason, I now have a ten kilogram cast

He almost feels bad for laughing then.

You: Shit Hyuck, that's so bad :'D

Hyuck: I know, I'll look so uncool on parties now TT

Hyuck: At least people can write on it

Hyuck: Will you write something on it?

For some stupid reason that Mark can't pinpoint, his heart does a funny jump.

You: Of course, duh

You: Will you smoke one with me?

Hyuck: You're encouraging lung cancer

Hyuck: be right there

Clicking his phone off, Mark looks at the window of the house opposite. There is some movement – shadows that play with the swaying curtains – until Donghyuck's head appears in the frame of his window. Even from the distance, Mark can see his grin and the glow of his skin. Despite just having seen him a few hours ago, it feels like an eternity. Maybe, he is being clingy, but if Donghyuck looks this happy to see him too, he doesn't find it in himself to care.

Instead, they both light up their cigarettes together, holding them up in a 'cheers'-motion. Mark watches Donghyuck for a moment, contemplates and feels how the bars he has built around his heart dissipate around him again. There is no denying the fact that Donghyuck is the only person he knows that makes him _want_ to speak his mind. Of course, he is aware that it hadn't been like this since the beginning. But something about him had grown with Mark and turned his doubts away. Confiding in Donghyuck had never shown him harm, only warm, open arms. He hopes to god Donghyuck feels the same way, because Mark wishes to be that person for him as well.

He picks his phone up again and types out a message.

You: I think my father was a bad person

Donghyuck frowns at his phone and sends him a short look, before typing out a reply.

Hyuck: What makes you think that?

You: When we were on the school trip, something happened

You: Idk how but it triggered a memory in my brain

You: I remembered something really awful about him

Hyuck: shit man

Hyuck: what are you gonna do?

You: Not sure

You: I know the truth won't be pretty, but I want to know it regardless. It would explain so many things to me

You: I might ask someone idk

Hyuck: Just be careful

Hyuck: You said it yourself, it might be something you'd rather not know. When you ask, be sure you can handle whatever it is

Hyuck: I don't want you to get hurt

Mark tears his eyes away from the screen, to look at Donghyuck. The boy is already looking back at him, eyes big and concerned and Mark feels the sudden urge to hug him. Maybe run a hand through his hair, too. Maybe, even kiss him...

You: Thanks Hyuck

You: I'll be careful, I promise

You: How's the thing with Jisung going?

From across the street, Mark can still see the rise and fall of Donghyuck's shoulders, which come with a big sigh.

Hyuck: I'm not sure

Hyuck: He apologized, but I don't know if he really knows what he is apologizing for

Mark hums. He had feared something of the sort. Jisung is anything but stupid, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, he might be a bit... dense. He never judges, lives and lets live, but when it comes to empathy, he drops a brick more often than not. Mark has gotten used to it and there has never been anything so important between them that he could feel seriously offended by it.

But Donghyuck? Donghyuck has known Jisung for a couple of months and entrusted him with the biggest and most fragile secret that he has. It's only natural for Jisung to misplace himself, but it's just as natural for Donghyuck to be hurt. Mark doesn't really know what needs to be said to either of them, but he doesn't want two of his closest friends to fight because of something like this. Scratch that, he doesn't want them to fight, period.

You: I get if you're hurt Hyuck, that's completely legitimate

You: But Jisung would never purposefully want to hurt you

You: Do you want me to talk to him?

Hyuck: I think I should do this myself

Hyuck: If I can't even make my point clearly, do I even have a right to be so upset about it?

You: You have a right to be upset in any scenario

Hyuck: <3

Hyuck: I'll think about it

Hyuck: For now, I need to go to bed though, or I'll fall out of my window.

Hyuck: Or worse – drop my phone out of the window

Laughing, Mark looks at Donghyuck through the darkness of the night.

You: Get your rest, you little baby

You: Thanks for listening

Hyuck: It's a given

Hyuck: Thank you too

Mark breathes in deeply, eyes searching Donghyuck's accross the distance. He finds that even this far, he thinks he can see the reflection of the streetlights in Donghyuck's eyes. Just like he had seen the flickering of the fire, up on that mountain, body draped on top of his best friend. So much intoxicating warmth. For a moment, he wishes he could travel back into that moment and stretch it out for an eternity. Mark has never felt like this before and he knows what it means. His feelings are growing deeper, their roots snake between his ribs, wrapping his heart up like a present. Nothing he did to stop them worked. Cutting the roots made them grow faster, ripping them out gave them room to reach deeper.

Hyuck: Good night

Hyuck: I love you

Like right now.

As Donghyuck retreats into his room, disappearing behind the curtains, Mark lingers at his window sill, with his world turned upside down. With the sky to his feet, he feels like he is floating. Falling, perhaps. Into the unknown that Donghyuck makes him want to seek out.

You: I love you, too

Throwing the cigarette bud away, Mark slips back into his room. As he stands in the darkness and silence of the night, there is no doubt that he would take another couple of hours to even consider falling asleep. His limbs move, pushed and pulled by the questions that press against the inside of his skull. Taeyong's door is slightly ajar, because he doesn't like to close it all the way. It's been like that since they were children. Mark remembers Taeyong always whining about how he can't sleep with the door closed.

Looking at it now, Mark wonders if his big brother might be scared. That if he has to run, the door will be closed.

"Tae?"

A hum from inside beckons him in. Taeyong's desk lamp illuminates the room in a dull orange, almost like a candle. His brother is hunched over his school notes, scribbling away with a pen. He has his hair tied back with an Alice Band, which makes Mark snort. If any of his friends knew that his brother had the capability to look like this, too, they might loose their shit. Or worse, they would like him even more.

"Hey Sonny, what's up?" Taeyong asks.

With a sigh, Mark sits down on Taeyong's bed, eyes catching on a flickering street light outside. He is hyperaware of the magazines that should still be stacked beneath him, but he tries to push the thought, and the questions that come with it, aside.

"Can I ask you something?" Upon hearing his brother's serious tone, Taeyong turns his chair to look at him and hums, "Was Dad a bad person?"

Several emotions pass Taeyong's face in the slim moment of silence that follows. He looks worn and older than before and it seems like he has a hard time meeting Mark's eyes. That just confirms that Mark has hit a nerve. Suddenly, he isn't sure whether he should have asked after all.

"No", Taeyong mutters, staring down at his hands in his lap, "But he had a few very bad traits."

The reality laces up Mark's throat, "He made you cry. Because of your hair and what it could mean."

"You remember that?" There is a tint of regret in Taeyong's voice that makes it hard for Mark to breathe.

"I didn't. Not until recently." Mark says, "He was a homophobe, wasn't he? Like- A horrible one."

When Taeyong sighs and raises from his chair, Mark notices the tears that drip down on his lap. His big brother gently pushes him, until they are both on the bed, Taeyong's arms around him and Mark's face in his chest. Only in the safety of Taeyong's embrace, does Mark allow himself to break. It hadn't really settled in; all the pain and stress and disappointment that the truth had brought along, but now he sees that he had postponed his emotions for too long. No chance to let go up on that mountain, between his friends. No chance to let go, when he had talked to his mother. Now, he has a chance as he sniffles into his brother's pyjama and feels a gentle hand pet his head.

"I don't remember much more than you do, but I asked mom about it once. She said she still loved him, but it was so obvious that she lied. When I told her that, she... she broke down and told me about a lot of horrible things he did even before we were born." Taeyong mutters, "I had a phase, where I liked to wear pink and sparkly clothes. I'd drag mom into the girl's section whenever we went shopping and I thought that was okay, because she never stopped me.

"One time, Dad tagged along. I didn't think much of it and ran for some dress with wings on the back." His voice never wavers, but Mark feels Taeyong's fist ball around the fabric of his shirt, "He said if I wanted to wear things like that, it would make me a faggot and that no son of his was going to end up as the scum of this world. Either I put it down and wear something appropriate, or he wasn't going to be my father anymore."

Maybe he had already accepted the truth, but the words Taeyong whispers into his hair, hit Mark a lot less hard than he would have anticipated. All that is left is the hollowness. A whole in his chest that can only be carved by bitter disappointment.

"Why did you guys never tell me about it?" He whispers, "You knew I didn't remember."

"As if one of us could just walk up to you and go 'good morning Mark, we got pancakes for breakfast, oh and by the way: Your father was a homophobic asshole'." Taeyong laughs at himself, but the sound is empty, "Mom wanted to tell you, but I... I insisted that we wait, until you were older. It was hard enough for me to deal with all of it, I didn't want you to carry such a burden, when you were just a kid that wanted to play guitar. At some point... I guess we lost track. It didn't seem so important. You were fine with the image you had of him."

"But it was a lie. And you let me believe it." Despite his anger, Mark presses himself deeper into Taeyong's embrace. 

"We did." Taeyong admits, arms wrapping tighter around his little brother, "I'm sorry you found out like this." For a moment, there is a thick silence between them, until the older speaks up again: "How did you even remember? You were so young when he was with us, I thought it never stayed with you."

A disgusting prickle travels up Mark's spine and suddenly everything he touches feels like bees buzzing on his skin, "Don't know. Just did."

His brother hums. It's obvious that he doesn't quite buy Mark's poorly executed story, but he doesn't prod. Mark is thankful for that, because he thinks if he had to talk about what happened between him and Claire now, as well, he might throw up. Taeyong's hand threads in his hair again and he presses a kiss to his forehead. The magazines beneath them still call out to Mark, but he knows better than to ask about them now. They're both tired and emotionally drained, Mark isn't even sure whether Taeyong's eyes are still open.

So, instead he says: "You know, whoever you decide to be or who you decide to like, I always love you. And mom does, too."

Above him, Taeyong laughs, a little strained and awkward, "Why, thank you, I'll remember that." Then, he sighs, "You know the same goes for you. I just want you to be happy."

"I'm trying."

And he really is. When Taeyong laughs again and mutters 'I know, I know', Mark doesn't think he realizes the weight of those words. Because, the longer he has to live with this constant emptiness in his days, the less spirit is left in him to fight it. It's not even that he is never happy. The times that worry him are inbetween those short glimpses of happiness, because there is just _nothing._ Nothing put the air around him that feels like lead, the sunlight above that never seems to actually shine, the world that turns without him. Hell, does he even remember how it used to be before all of this started? Does he even know what he needs to work towards? The worst part about it is, he knows he has to fight, but he has no idea where to start. No idea, what it is that he needs to fight. Everything is so overwhelming, has grown into an inexplicable mass, so dark and endless that Mark's feet seem to always remain in the same place, no matter how far he runs.

Hopelessness. Void of a reason.

All, his struggling seems to bring, is exhaustion and if that is really the only thing he can gain from this, why not stop altogether? Does he _have to_ chase happiness and annihilate the emptiness? No. But something tells him that if he doesn't, his life isn't going to be one worth living. And if his life isn't worth living...

It might end up very short.

He feels cold. Even Taeyong's body heat and the blanket he has draped accross them doesn't seem to reach his insides. The thought scares him, never before had his mind taken a direction like this. Maybe, he is just emotional right now and thinking things that won't matter tomorrow.

But what if they will? What if he thinks them again?

A small whimper escapes his throat, but Taeyong doesn't notice, because he is already asleep. Mark is alone with this one thought and the skin on his body that feels two sizes too small.

He doesn't sleep that night. Because, who can afford to close an eye, when there is a monster in the corner of the room?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/putputpotato) | [Ig](https://https://www.instagram.com/putputpotato) | [Tumblr](https://midnight-writ3r.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I gotta admit that things are going quite wild and some things in this story might stray from everyday life quite a bit, but I still wanted to include all the struggles I went through and/or witnessed others going through <3 
> 
> How has everyone been? University has been on my BACK and it´s got me in a chokehold AHAHAH But tbh, I´m not complaining at all, because I really love the direction I´m going in with my education! There´s so much drama happening around me again though, it´s good fuel for future work AHHAH I´m so glad I´m not involved for once tbh eurheurh help XD
> 
> What have you all been up to? Was there some drama in your vicinity? Did you pick up new things, or polished old ones? :3 
> 
> I hope I´ll see you in the comments and then, in the next chapter, look out for that! In the meantime, also get ready for more Philocalist <3<3

**Author's Note:**

> Follow my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/putputpotato) for more infos and updates on writing progress, or just to rant with me over all the things that happen haha! 
> 
> Thank you so much for waiting for this fic and coming to read it now, it really honours me! I hope you´re holding up alright! See you next time! <3<3


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